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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 01-10-2006, 11:22 AM
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Default Modesty

Quote:
Originally Posted by god knows the truth
Hubby,

I love your modesty HA!
God knows the truth,


If women knew just how modest I was ... they'd marry me!

Hubby
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 01-10-2006, 03:41 PM
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Default regarding living with the in-laws

Logicalvelocity,

Thanks for your feedback! Well, 2 answer your question about moving out and having our own place. Potentially we could do that, as in my husband is financially sound 2 be able 2 afford an apartment, we could live off his current income pretty comfortably. Finance is not the issue from what my understanding concerning the issue of moving out. But i could be wrong..maybe there is something i do not know, that he is not telling me!?

Secondly, i agree with u and also told my husband the same many times about what u said regarding being on our own would be best to foster and build our relationship, without any outside influences that have an adverse affect on our primary relationship with each other as a couple! But sadly, my husband feels that he cannot give up his life with his parents for living with me, he says he cannot give up one for the other. He says the only way of making it work is that, i give it another chance living in the same house as his parents and see if things r different/better this time around. He says he will give me his support, unlike previously and that his parents and him have learnt a lot over the time we have been separated and will make a conscious effort trying 2 make it work this time around.

I wish i could believe him and his parents, but the fact of the matter is that he made similar promises 2 me last 2 last year when i told him i was having 2nd thoughts about going ahead with the wedding. Because of the way his father is, and that he, as in my husband, fiance at the time is not at all supportive of me when it comes 2 certain issues with his parents even before the marriage, so only god knows what will happen afterwards. I told him i couldn't live with someone with his dad's personality. He is a very hyper kind of depressed person. He takes a daily dose of 100 mg of Zoloft (an anti-depressant) 2 keep him in a balanced happy state of mind. His emotions r all over the place most of the time. He is very unpredictable, one min he could be talking and acting normal, the very next min he could be having suicidal thoughts or thoughts that what if he ends up dying soon..i guess he has that fear since he had a heart attack years ago! Anyhow, i hope u get the picture of what i am trying 2 say here.

Hope 2 get some feedback from u on what u think about the situation. Thanks!

In-Law Trouble
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 01-10-2006, 07:20 PM
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Inlawtrouble,

I don't think your husband understands the concept of marriage at all.
A newlywed couple need their space.

May I ask how old he is. When a person moves out of their parent's home, they do not sever the relationship with their respective parents.

I think his parents fail highly for not providing any encouragement to your husband for him to be out on his own and to make a life independently of them.

To me they treat him somewhat as a child but also do not allow him to grow up and become an adult. Some definite control issues.
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2006, 02:03 AM
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Question regarding husband's behavior and our relationship

Hubby,

Thanks for your feedback! U seem 2 have a pretty accurate take on the whole situation. I could further benefit 2 hear your insight in regard 2 my situation with my husband.

I don't know what 2 think at this point regarding where my husband is coming from and what he does or doesn't feels for me at this point in time. Based on his actions i am also led 2 believe as u pointed out 2 in your previous post, that either he doesn't really fully comprehend the severity of the situation, he does not believe that i will go ahead with the divorce as my last course of alternative, when all else seems 2 have failed 2 save the marriage! Or, that he actually is fully sound and aware of the situation at hand here, and it is a conscious choice that he is making, even though foolishly and hastily deciding 2 throw away our future together!

And if the latter is what is true, i am beginning 2 wonder, did i even know this man at all that I have been with for a span of 4 ½ yr till date and what r the workings of his mind!? Or instead, all along he has just been playing me for a fool..painting me this picture of a guy that he knew that i would have wanted 2 be with, instead of the real him, that or, was i 2 blind 2 see the truth for what it really was??

He came down once since we have been separated, to visit me for the weekend about 3 months ago now, back in Oct. And we did have an opportunity 2 be able 2 spend some one on one alone time together, and talk at length about the whole situation. Initially it seemed as if some progress had been made based on what he was telling me, that he finally realized and was able 2 see how he had a big role in leading the situation 2 where it is currently in the present, by failing/neglecting 2 address the issues over the course of many months that eventually led 2 the big fallout!

He said, he would be more supportive of me and speak up if and when some issue were 2 come up and not ignore it so the situation is tackled in the earlier stages rather than it developing into something big! He also suggested that let's give it 1-2 months and try 2 work it out living with the in-laws and if we mutually find that it is just not workable, then only would he consider 2 move out an live on our own. But, at the same time he was telling me that, how can i trust that u won't end up leaving me and going away if we ever run into some issues when we r living on our own? I personally found those remarks 2 be rather hurtful, since he was basically implying that he did not have that much trust in me! To, which i fought back with..when did i ever give u a reason 2 feel/think that way in all the months that we lived together under one roof? Did i ever leave and abandon u, when things got rough between us or did i always stick it out and tried 2 work through the problem? To this, he did not have a reply. So, i have 2 wonder if he was just saying this 2 use as an excuse not 2 move out..or that was based on something his parents had planted in his head against me?

As it later turned out, he started forcing the issue on me, 2 go back with him the very next day without as much as any discussion, indication/agreement with me before hand! And he wouldn't take no for an answer. I told him i needed some time 2 think about it before i could take that step of going back 2 the in-law's house, if that could even be a possibility for me at this time!? In my gut, i still believed that moving out and getting our own place would work out as a much better option for us in the present time. I thought it was a reasonable request considering all the emotional turmoil i had gone through at my in-law's expense!

I wasn't sure if i believed him at his word, claiming that it will be different this time around. I had 2 see it 2 believe it, and i had little hope left based on how he didn't honor his previous promises 2 me that he made at the time of the marriage! I wasn't ready and i don't think i will want 2 ever put myself at my in-law's mercy, and turn my life into a living hell without as much as thinking it through before, what i am getting into! I did not and could not afford 2 repeat 2 make the same mistake twice! And so we parted on not the greatest of terms.

Sorry this ended up being longer than i intended..but i hope it provides u with a better understanding of the situation! Looking forward 2 hearing back from u soon!!

Sincerely,

In-Law Trouble
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2006, 02:15 AM
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Question what makes up a "mama's boy"?

God knows the truth,

Hey! Sorry for the late reply! Based on your experience what do u think makes up, a "mama's boy"? And what signs should one look out for 2 avoid getting involved with one and then having 2 pay BIG time later? Thanks!!

In-Law Trouble
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2006, 03:18 AM
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Question guys as "husbands"

Logicalvelocity,

First of all let me start of by saying, thanks for your feedback! Sure, u may ask how old he is..he is 25 yr as of now. He is a year older than me. As u pointed out, i agree with u about what u said about my in-law's having some
definite control issues when it comes 2 their son. Though i have no clue why they r the way they r!? Maybe they r just control freaks and don't know how 2 give it up and let their son grown up into an adult and live his own life how he pleases 2! But, what i find even worse is that, my husband doesn't see through their manipulative ways of trying 2 control his life 2 serve their own selfish agenda and he blindly let's himself get played right in their hands..which is beyond me 2 understand how he can not see what they try 2 do!? What r your thoughts on this? Looking forward 2 your feedback..hope u have some insight on the matter!

I was also wondering, do u think it is true what i hear, or is it a myth..or is every case different..that the common belief is that men take longer 2 mature emotionally than women do in general? So, in that case, would it be wiser 2 get seriously involved with someone in their mid to late 20's as opposed 2 in their early to mid 20's..cause at that age one would be usually more mentally and financially prepared 2 get married..having matured through live and in relationships and be in a better place 2 be capable of true commitment 2 a significant someone??

Waiting for your reply,

In-Law Trouble
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2006, 09:52 AM
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A mamma's boy is your husband and my ex. They always start out so nice but then you realize that they're too dependent on their mom/dad/parent. It's like they'll disassociate from any meaningful relationship (mentally, physically etc.) in lieu of their security with mommy.
Bein ga mama's boy and being close to your mother/father are totally different, in my book. By the way, I can almost guarantee that your in-laws aren't calling to console you or ask how your doing.
Life is is too short to be burden with nonsense from a person who doesn't want to see the light or change for the better.
If I ever met a really good man, they'd see an amazing women.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2006, 09:59 AM
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In-law-trouble
By blaming the in-laws, it relieves your husband of guilt--He shouldn't get off the hook that easily; he gets to hide behind his parents. He's a grown man..... a grown married man!!!!
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2006, 10:17 AM
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Default Trust the gut

In-Law Trouble,

The accuracy of the situation does not come from me but HIM. I'm just the messenger and glad to be the vessel by which the message arrives to you.

Trust your gut. Moving out from the influence of the In-Laws is the BEST thing you could have done for both you and your husband.

Control, anger, being judgemental and going back on ones promises are not healthy for any relationship. People have to understand what it takes to keep a relationship ALIVE. So what does it take to keep a relationship alive? Anything that does not build up resentment in your heart. Love, caring, honesty, putting you first, listening and a whole slew of other things are what keeps a relationship alive. Seems your husband needs an education into relationships -- actually seems many young couples could benefit from an education into relationships so as to be informed of the many challenges the future holds.

It would seem that your husbands heart still beats for his parents and not you (at present). When ones heart stops beating, sometimes a 'jolt' is what is needed to get it pumping again. I'd say so far, you're doing a good job. It boils down to this ... it's you and him together as one while maintaining a respectful realtionship with the parents or its him and his parents and you go your respectful ways. You've made your choice, now it's time for him to make his choice. Question is, just how much does he love you to let go of his parents to be with you? Let his decision and actions be your answer.

Blessing to you and your marriage ...

Hubby
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2006, 09:52 PM
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Question "mama's boy" VS. "self assured/real kinda guy"

God knows the truth,

I was wondering if u could list a few of the differentiating characteristics between, a mama's boy, and a self assured/real kind of guy that would be a good candidate 2 get involved with. What r the traits that set them apart which determines how they act/react when dealing with different situations/scenarios in the real world??

Waiting 2 hear your thoughts,

In-Law Trouble
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