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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2012, 12:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Bernier_Faith: I feel so very sorry for you. It sounds like you have lots of negative elements coming at all directions. I have always admired you for 'standing by your man' but remember you have to look after yourself in all of that craziness. While it sounds like you are very young and have a very young family I would try to get your husband to get with the idea of starting your own Christmas tradition. I would emphasize the importance of your immediate family needs and TELL him the two of you will work the other family members into your plans (not the other way around). Bernier you are a stand-up kind of person. Now is the time to stand up for your immediate family.... you have the responsibility of making sure that those kids have great memories to reflect on when they are your age. Keep your moxy gir!
Thank you for your kind words Arabian... my mother was always so family focused... she was a stay at home Mom after my oldest sister was born... she really kept the family intact and she was always busy around the Holidays attempting to "fit everyone in"... I will admit, I got my love for Christmas from my mother... she is insane when it comes to Christmas (and I mean that with much respect)... she always made it special no matter who was around...she always wanted the holidays to be perfect. Christmas in my house was always positive as a kid (as we were sheltered from the ongoing grandparent drama)... it wasn't until we reached our teens we started to notice the drama and only the past few years that everything actually came out.

When my partner and I first got together, Christmas had came and gone... we were together 10 months before Christmas came around again... that was his first Christmas without his children... understandably he was upset about this... at the time we were staying with my parents (we were living out of town as I was attending college and we were home for my month's Christmas break). My mother went the extra mile to ensure that his Christmas was special and on Boxing Day when we picked up the children, she made it special for them as well. I know he will always thank and respect her for what she did for us that year. While his family was busy not speaking to him, my parents made sure that Christmas was special for everyone...even if it was on Boxing Day.

I think the biggest issue with his family is that they do not totally understand what their separation agreement states... despite his parents being divorced, they both still believe that when they have something planned we and the children should be there... we would LOVE to attend and have the children attend, but to start we are 3 hours away from his parents, we both have full time jobs (in which I barely get any time off in the summer) and even though the ex is usually willing to let us have the children on her time, it is not always possible. The down talk that comes after he says no, is really horrible to watch.

In October I asked him to contact his parents and ask them if either of them were doing anything Christmas/Boxing day and if so, I would make plans to hire a pet sitter for that time... both said they were not doing a thing on those days and their dinners would either be before or after Christmas, as all the other children had families of their own and had plans... so naturally we will be attending my parents for Boxing day dinner... but of course, last minute everyone wants us to attend their celebrations... it really does get frustrating to deal with.

On top of all of this... we invited his Dad and step mom to my parents for Thanksgiving... the morning of, they cancelled and said they couldn't attend... he later found out they attended his step mothers brother's house instead. He was hurt my this... then on Thanksgiving Monday... his step sister in law (still following lol) had on her facebook status that she was heading to a XX Family Thanksgiving dinner... I asked the bf if there was something he forgot to tell me (wouldn't be the first time he had said we would be somewhere and never informed me)... he said no... well they all went and had a family thanksgiving at his Father's house without mentioning or inviting him.

We planned a family Christmas dinner for his side of the family just this past Saturday... every single one of them cancelled... they were given 3 weeks notice and just last Monday they all cancelled... we found out from his brother that his Father was having a Christmas dinner on Dec 21... everyone knew except my bf... not once did his family mention it to him...it wasn't until his brother asked what time we were planning on being there, that he found out about it.

Every holiday this poor man is let down by his family... and all he really wants is to be included... he tries to make everyone happy...but fails to make himself happy... he is constantly asking me what I want to do, where I want to go, there are times we actually get in arguments because just once I would like him to pick what we do, where we go...just once I would like him to make a day about HIM, not me or anyone else, but HIM.

He did say to me this weekend that from now on he is done trying... the first one to invite us, will be the place we go, and if someone doesn't invite well tough... he is tired of rushing around, causing the children to travel on holidays and having to bend over backwards for everyone else. We will see how long this lasts... if he is anything like my Father, he will continue to try and try and try....

You are right Arabian... our immediate family has to come first... I remember as a kid how much it sucked on Christmas day to be dragged over to my Grandparents... we would get up, open presents, eat breakfast and then get ready and be out the door by 2pm... we never had a chance to actually play with what we received... I don't want our children having to go through the same thing... I feel for them in the respect that this will basically happen to them every year because they get one day with one parent to enjoy their toys and then the next they are with the other parent... I just hope we can make Christmas and Holidays special for the two rug rats we share our house with and I truly hope they can be shielded from the drama.

Arabian, I hope you can find some joy this Holiday season... even a little bit of decorations can lift ones spirit.
  #22 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2012, 03:11 PM
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I am the wicked step mother.
I am the jealous insecure witch.
This is going to be so "politically incorrect", but i firmly believe once you are married and "have children" you should not be allowed to leave.
If your relationshp is like a tumour, then leaving one partner for another is just metastising the cancer.
Those kids are a product of you two. If you and your partner can not handle what you two have produced leaving is just spreading the problem.
The stepmother gets the short end every time, at least from what i have experienced.
Everybody from his "team or gang" resents me getting support.
What i resent is ever getting involved in the first place.
These unctuos characters who just get more and more bitter expecting the next one to be better are only agitating the disease
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2012, 09:20 PM
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I celebrate Christmas and always celebrated it with my family growing up. I have fond memories of having good food and drink (Christmas was the only time we were allowed to have wine when we were teenagers). It was a time when we could just hang out with our cousins, family and watch all the Christmas specials and of course eat far too much chocolate. Someone always got drunk and in later years all the silliness was captured on film. My dad loved Christmas and when he passed away, it came to hold a deeper meaning.

My ex does not celebrate Christmas and during the marriage we were never allowed to have a Christmas Tree, or allowed to hang any christmas decorations or have a special meal. I remember one of our first arguments was about Christmas. He would not allow me to go out and buy a Christmas Tree because he said it was "promoting Christianity."

Since the separation I go the extra (extra) mile for Christmas because to me it symbolises my freedom. The house is decked out with lights etc. We always have a Christmas Tree and we make our own Christmas cards. I wouldn't get to do all this if I was still with him and the kids would not get to be part of something that I was lucky to enjoy as I was growing up.
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2012, 09:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
! Hey maybe the forum should be divided up; the "pitchers" and the "catchers."
Don't do that. We need another term as those are slang terms that gay males in the UK use. Totally true. Hope this makes people smile.
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2012, 09:36 PM
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Nadia... That is so sad... While I realize that Christmas is about celebrating a certain religion... I feel that Christmas has become so commercialized that there really isn't much religion in it any more (for most people). It must have been hard for you and the children to not be able to celebrate this time of year... It is not an easy holiday to escape.

Glad to see you are now able to be free and celebrate your way! I truly hope you and your family enjoy every minute of it!
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2012, 02:03 PM
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I try to promote the idea of christmas as getting together and spending time with your family rather then stressing over gifts.

I see it as a way of bribing your kids to be good when you buy your gifts for them.

"If your bad this year santa wont come and get the gifts you want"

Not to mention having them believing in something you KNOW to be untrue.....Lying to your kids since they were born. Im sure thats a great role model.

Its just unconscionable
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2012, 02:23 PM
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I don't get this need to travel and see everyone on Christmas day. There are lots of other days in the year to do this. Lots of time between Christmas and New Years to do this.

Growing up, we lived 3 1/2 hours away from both grandparents and extended family. We travelled to see them at least once a month, sometimes more, sometimes back and forth in one day. But at Christmas, we stayed home.

Christmas was about our family.

In my opinion, this trying to see everyone and please everyone, causes a lot of stress. Stress on the adults trying to make sure everyone is happy and stress on the kids that have to pack up and go somewhere.
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2012, 03:23 PM
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Quote:
do have mixed feelings when I walk into my garage and see the plastic bins full of Christmas decorations from years gone by as well as the containers of photo albums. These bins will probably sit untouched indefinitely.
Arabian:

Strangely enough...I just dealt with this stuff this past 2 weeks because I was trying to make photobooks for the kids and had to drag out pictures. Here's what I did and I can tell you it was extremely liberating.

I separated all the pictures into a piles.

-Pictures of the ex with the kids...which I put in a box and returned to him.
-Pictures of us together with the kids..which I put in a box to save for the kids in the future.
-Pictures of just the kids..which I scanned onto the computer (took bloody forever) and I'm going to burn a copy for him to give to him in exchange for when he gives me the ones he has on our digital camera that he took...lol
-And pictures of us together...which I shredded. I had already shredded our wedding pictures. It felt great to get rid of em.

I had already given him the christmas stuff when I moved out because Christmas was one of the worst times for me when we were married and I didn't want anything from Christmas. He will put the tree up and the kid's ornaments in his house which will be nice for them when they go over since all their other art, pictures and memorabilia is at my place.

I put up a tree with no ornaments on it...because I'm cheap (lol) and they're on sale after the holidays. I'm going to take my kids shopping together to pick out new ones after the 25th and bought them both an ornament kit for Christmas so they can make one for this year for our new tree....new traditions.

I would recommend that you parse up the christmas stuff. Keep the stuff thats' meaningful to you and drop the stuff that's his at his house. Anything that's painful that you don't need...get rid of and buy new things. Make new memories for yourself.

I truly have made a concerted effort to make my new home a new start for me and my girls. I think its very healthy to start new traditions, memories and to not leave a lot of skeletons laying around in your new life.

Time to clean house and get rid of stuff that's dragging you down honey!!!
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