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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 02-26-2013, 09:05 PM
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Default Biting your tongue...

Do you ever find when talking to others about separation and divorce you have to bite your tongue?

I have done a lot of research and read a lot of articles and know enough about certain subjects so when someone asks me about this or that, I can at least provide them with the knowledge I have...but I have found lately that I really have to bite my tongue when talking to some people.

I have a co-worker who I love... he is a great worker and a great friend... but even that, I find it hard to support him at some times. Short version of his story... he was married to a woman over 20 years ago, they had one child together and she had a child from a previous relationship, but he acted like her father... a few years into their relationship this women took off and left him with the two girls, she was gone for over 2 years... one day she showed up at the children's school and pick them up after school and left with the children... Dad had NO idea what was going on until the school told him Mom had picked the children up. Dad went to the police and they would not help him. He filed an emergency motion in court, but the court ruled in Mom's favour, she got full custody and he was stuck with EOW...

Now his step daughter was married just over 2 years ago... they have a 4 year old son, but separated a year ago... since the separation they have had 50-50 access... the son is doing well, both parents are in other relationships. Well his step daughter had just finished school and has decided she wanted to move to her father's area. She truly feels she can up and leave and there will be no implications. She is wanting to move 4 hours away from their current city, where the son is shared 50-50. My friend actually said to me one day, that he told his daughter she could do whatever she wants because Mom's always get their way and she could up and leave ANY time. At that time I told him that it wasn't exactly like that anymore and I know that happened to him 20 years ago, but things have begun to change... he went into a rant about how Dad's never get custody unless Mom doesn't want it and yada yada yada...

I just bit my tongue and didn't say anything else, as I did not want to argue with him over this... obviously he has strong emotions towards this topic and its understandable, but what do others do when faced with situations like this? Obviously it is not my place to step in and try to educate, but it does make me a little upset, as it is people like this that flood the courts with unnecessary issues...
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:42 AM
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Family law is quite biased, to claim otherwise is a bit naive.

Your coworker is correct, his stepdaughter has a reasonable chance of winning the mobility fight. Winning a mobility fight is a pure victory, it completely destroys the other parent financially and removes them from the life of your child. Auto-alienation of the other parent and guaranteed CS for the next 15 years.

In this particular case, she is also moving towards her own family, which is "good" for the kids. Bolsters her case to some extent.

If she doesn't succeed, then she can just decide not to move, but she might as well try. Perhaps she'll lose $20,000 in fees, but she could easily win over $200,000 in "support" for the move. Better odds than the lottery.

If my daughter was in a similar situation, I would make the same recommendation. Do it before your opponent does it to you. At least if you initiate the mobility battle, you can back out if you lose. If your opponent starts the mobility battle, then a loss is devastating. Best to strike first, and hard.

In the Mobility Game of Family Law, you win or you die.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
as it is people like this that flood the courts with unnecessary issues...
If the court had not screwed over your coworker, he would have no reason to hold the views that he now does... he speaks from experience, nothing you say can possibly counteract that.
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Old 02-27-2013, 01:17 AM
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I think it is sad that the mother of the 4 yr old would even seriously consider to move 4 hrs away when the child is with the Dad 50% of the time. The childs best interest is not being met if she does that. I hate when the children are not put first!
I would love to move a few hours away where I have family but that isnt fair to my children or their Father
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Old 02-27-2013, 08:19 AM
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Janus she may be moving closer to her father but that is the only family here. The rest of her family and all the ex's family lives in thw city where they currently reside. I still don't buy your arguement, as many males have been successful in blocking moves and/or gaining custody.

This child has lived in that area all his life, he attends school in that area and he lives a very good life style for a 4 year old. Giving anyone advice that they should move simply because they want to and are female in incredibly selfish. As Thorns said no one is thinking of the child in this situation.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:50 AM
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I have to bite my tongue all the time. I have a lot of friends that are going thru stuff, and I tell them how to handle it.

Then they ignore me, and weeks/months later are still whining about how hard done by they are.

Some people need a kick in the ass.
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Old 02-27-2013, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
I still don't buy your arguement, as many males have been successful in blocking moves and/or gaining custody.
Many perhaps, but nothing close to a majority.

Many males win sole custody as well. The vast majority, however, do not.

I never said it was a slam dunk, it is just that the potential gains from victory make taking a shot potentially worth it. More to the point, your coworker is not as crazy as you are making him out to be.

Quote:
This child has lived in that area all his life, he attends school in that area and he lives a very good life style for a 4 year old. Giving anyone advice that they should move simply because they want to and are female in incredibly selfish. As Thorns said no one is thinking of the child in this situation.
Well, if the mother wins the mobility fight, her standard of living will be greatly increased, which, according to family law, is good for children. Four year olds are very flexible, the child will adapt, but will have access to better resources because both parents will be working to maintain one house instead of two.

Family law is a game where the winner gets hundreds of thousands of dollars, and the loser gets that much stolen from them. With stakes that high, it is silly to expect people to act ethically, we just aren't built that way. Assuming that the kids will be equally well off regardless of who actually wins the game, well... if it was my daughter, I'd rather she be the winner than the loser.
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Old 02-27-2013, 01:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NBDad View Post
Some people need a kick in the ass.
Careful. These exact words can be mis-heard to be 'I'm going to kick your ass', and you could end up facing charges for Uttering Threats.

True Story.
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Old 02-27-2013, 01:55 PM
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You did what you could and he refused to listen. If he brings it up again, I would just remind him that times have changed since his experience, and she could get into a big amount of legal trouble if she moves without the father's consent, depending what their separation agreement says about it. His advice could end up with her losing custody to her ex.
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Old 02-27-2013, 02:11 PM
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I agree, moving without consent is a bad idea.

The courts will probably let her move anyway, so it doesn't make sense to do a runaround. Remember, Goertz was all about how the parents don't even need a good reason to move to get custody. Here she is moving to be closer to her grandfather. The humanity!

She might not win, but she certainly has a reasonable chance.
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