In a Bind and Need Advice Please!

[ONdad]

I've been physically and emotionally abused for about 12 years. The physical abuse occured on 3 occasions and I kept telling myself that I'd call the cops the NEXT time it happened. Like you, I was trying to keep things civil and taking the high road.

In retrospect, I wish I had called the cops after the second time. I know that it would have been painful for everybody if I had, but I really don't think that it's any better dealing with the divorce now, and I'd have been in a better position, would have avoided the third time, and would have missed all the verbal and mental abuse I took between then and now.

If it happens again, I will call the cops. If it's not too late for you, I'd call the cops now for the last incident. The fact that you waited may weigh against you, but divorce is a difficult time at the best of times and it's hard to know what the right thing to do is, especially when you're reluctant to call because of the past incident.

I'm also not sure if it's still possible for you to be charged for the first 'offence'. If it is, it's even more imperative that you charge her, otherwise you're likely to be charged and then you're screwed.

[Teddie]

Originally Posted by HammerDad

I am going to apologize if I sound harsh up front, but my friend, you need a bit of harsh reality. Please don't it personal, as I do want you to do what is best for yourself:


Dude, you should do some reading about domestic violence, because you are the poster child for it.

1. It isn't going to get any better because you are enabling the circle of violence by not acknowledging the violence. SHE IS ABUSING YOU!!! If roles were reversed, you'd have had your bags packed and been shipped to jail ages ago. You are saying it is ok because you "can take it". You need to learn a bunch more.

2. You need to protect yourself in as many ways as possible. She has buddy on the side who is chomping at the bit to fill your shoes. So he will undermine everything you try to accomplish with reconsiling with your wife, because she wants the attention from as many people as she can get. If she ends it with this guy, there will be another. So you need to protect your assets and yourself. Get the freaking voice recorder ASAP. Wear it 100% of the time when in your house and download it nightly to a secure computer. While it may not be usable in court as evidence of her assaults on you, you can use it to refute much of her claims that you abused her.

3. It is good you got a lawyer. But now you must only talk to her in matters relating to the children or matters regarding the household. If the conversation should start to go downhill, simply say you no longer have interest in continuing this conversation as you feel it is raising hostilities and you do not want to do this in the presense of the children.

What kind of example are you setting for your kids when you allow your wife to kick the crap outta you, cheat on you and have buddy over while you are gone? How would you feel if one of your kids were in the your shoes? I bet you'd be dragging them to the police to file charges. So why can't you do it for yourself?

Divorce is gonna suck. But you gotta read that list provided on the last page. After your done reading it, print it. And then read it again the next day or four. You need to understand that your in a situation that is violent and toxic. You need to protect yourself and your kids.

I hope you do what is right and best for your family.

Absolutely your right and that is a great reply. I will only be talking to her about matters regarding the house and kids.....anything else is just asking for trouble.

Thanks

[HammerDad]

Originally Posted by Teddie

Absolutely your right and that is a great reply. I will only be talking to her about matters regarding the house and kids.....anything else is just asking for trouble.

Thanks

Thanks I am glad you didn't take offence or get your back up, because it really hurts me to hear about a guy go through what you're going through, and trying to rationalize it as trying to be the bigger person or being able to take it.

Domestic violence is something you cannot be ashamed about because you're a guy. If more guys like you stood up and called the cops, it would really help show the world that it isn't a gender issue like it has been portrayed for years.

Please just do what you can to protect yourself. Move yourself and your stuff into a room with a lock on it. If she appears to become hostile, remove yourself from the area, go to your room and lock the door. If the children are in the house, get them and leave the house. They don't need to see what has been going on.

From there, find yourself a hobby and be great and involved dad. The kids are your focus now, not a relationship which no matter what efforts you put into it, will not become better because the other person needs help for her anger/emotions and wants to have her cake and eat it too.

IMO, she only wants you around because she doesn't want a custody battle and chances are you make more money then the new guy. So may as well placate the gravy train in between punch-ups.

[CISTEAD]

It is going to be tough at first.......but you are going to be so much better off down the road, and you will ask yourself why you didn't do it sooner.

[gumby]

Take my advice and have her charged.
My ex used to hit me and I kept the police out of it not wanting to have him charged and it was a mistake. The first time I lost my temper with him i threw the phone (not at him at the floor) and wouldn't you know, after years of whacking me he called the cops and claimed I assaulted him. The police did not buy his story and didn't charge me but CAS was called and I was lucky not to lose my kids. Anyone who is nutty enough to hit you is also nutty enough to
call the cops on you, and who knows, they might believe her. I know it sounds harsh but you are being abused and you must assume the worst of her.
Now i am dealing with Mr. Charming in a custody case, he has calmed down over the years but is still a verbally abusive, threatening bully and has grown ever more manipulative. it has taken me years to build up the confidence to deal with him. I would have been way, way better off having him charged when I had the chance.

[Gary M]

Dude, listen to these people: I am living the nightmare right now, due to my own stupidity. I thought I could trust "the mother of our children" to do the right thing and have been bitten -hard- over and over. Friends told me to protect myself. Professionals told me to protect myself. I didn't listen and wish I had... Do what these people, who have the wisdom of experience, are telling you and protect yourself!

Cheers!

Gary

[Teddie]

Thanks to everyone who has responded with their opinions and advice.

Recently there was an argument at the house, I decided to leave for the night to avoid another fight. My ex made it difficult to peacefully leave with my clothes so I called the police to ensure I could leave without incident. When they came, we were both questioned separately and next thing you know I'm told I'm being arrested for spousal assault. Handcuffed and walked out to the police car and driven down to Elgin St. I spent the day in jail and was to be held overnight until a show cause hearing in the morning. After 4-5 hours in the cell a female detective from partner assault asks me to conduct a videotaped interview that can be used in court. I agreed against the wishes of my legal aid attorney I contacted over the phone. I had nothing to hide so I answered all her questions. After the interview I was told I was being released immediately without charges or conditions because they believed the allegations were completely false. Why would I have called the police to my house after beating up my wife. I had also called a spousal assault detective three days prior to discuss my predicament and he offered advice. They were suprisingly very friendly at the station and offered some advice before I left, such as, never go back to that house....I plan on following that.

Since the arrest, I have not gone back to the house except for once to pick up my kids and drop them to school and daycare. I had two people attend with me to act as witnesses. I was able to pick up the bags I had packed before the arrest as well. We own 2 vehicles and my wife is not allowing me access to either at the moment and is in fact hiding one so that I cannot take it.

My lawyer has sent a letter asking that I see my kids and has provided a 48 response time from her. All other matters discussed in the letter, such as giving me one of the vehicles have a 2 week response time.

I'm staying under 10 minutes away at a relatives house, each child has their own room available there. If she decides to deny my request to take the kids this weekend, can this be used against her? She is working all weekend and has absolutely no reason to deny this request.

Also, waiting 2 weeks to get one of my cars back is ridiculous. I hope this is another item that can be used against her as it's being done to make my access arrangements more difficult. My ex's boyfriend has been staying at the house on many nights when I have stayed at my sisters and I'm 99% sure he is staying there since the arrest and using my car during the day.....needless to say, she is using everything in her power to inconvenience me.

I think I asked some questions in there but most of this is just a rant. I did nothing wrong, didn't deserve an arrest, and don't deserve to be sleeping on a cot in my parents basement while her and the boyfriend enjoy the house and share the vehicles. I hope this eventually comes back to bite her.

[dadtotheend]

You're a sucker.

I should come down there and smack you upside the head myself for being so stupid.

You are VERY lucky that the charges were not laid.

On the other hand, you have at this point been effectively forced from the home by the threat that she will have you charged. Rightly or wrongly, your fault or not, you have committed cardinal sin #1 in family law be leaving the house without the kids or a properly executed separation agreement dealing with custody and access.

Don't let that lawyer allow you to settle for anything less than joint custody and shared parenting. IMO you should be asking for sole custody and exclusive possession of the home based on the fact that you are the primary caregiver.

I cannot stress this to you enough. If you don't immediately and assertively push (not request) a shared parenting arrangement, you will get suckered into a status quo that puts the primary residence of your children with their mother, who has already shown her willingess to falsely allege shit about you that isn't true.

I guarandamntee that you will end up on the short end of the stick if you don't move quickly and assertively in court to get shared parenting on the table. I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING OR EXAGERATING THIS!!! You were told countless times by me and others that this was going to happen and you ignored it. STOP CONTINUING TO BLOW FOR IT FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS.

Silly wabbit, tricks are for kids.

[NBDad]

Should have gotten a voice recorder Bro. I hope to hell you documented the contents of that house, and all the family finances already.

Also make sure you have frozen ALL joint accounts, etc.

Do you believe us now? We all said this would happen and told you how to prevent it.

I had two people attend with me to act as witnesses.

Yeah, do nothing without witnesses now.

We own 2 vehicles and my wife is not allowing me access to either at the moment and is in fact hiding one so that I cannot take it

Whose name is on the title? Whose name is on the insurance? Call that insurance company TODAY if you are still on the insurance, to advise them that you are no longer responsible for any accidents that occur until further notice.

Advise you are instructing them to remove you from the policy immediately, and you want to roll over into one in JUST your name. (you should have done this months ago dude)

With your luck, the boyfriend is going to get into a wreck in your car, and YOUR insurance will have to pony up the cost.

Do you still have a set of keys for either vehicle? If the boyfriend is driving it, do you know where he lives? Go find the car, and take the bloody thing. Or simply just take the one she has from where she works, or from the house if you know she's out.

[NBDad]

My lawyer has sent a letter....

Your lawyer is an idiot. Get your ass to court and file an ex parte motion for exclusive possession of the home and interim sole custody of the kids, due to her unstable nature and temper placing them at risk (as seen by the false DV charge).

Ex Parte's can be had SAME DAY if the children are believed to be at risk. (the ex is unstable and has a bad temper and you are worried for their safety now that you are not there to bear the brunt of her violence)