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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 07-28-2010, 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
You're dreaming dude.

You're are going to end up getting charged with assault and then you will be well and truly screwed, chewed and barbequed.

If the gender roles were reversed in your story there would be a parade of people advising her to get you charged and kicked out . Get her violent ass kicked out of there.
Yes, you already mentioned that the police said if they had to come back, you would be in big trouble. You want that return visit to be on YOUR call, with as much recorded (love that hidden camera idea!) evidence to support and defend you as possible. You may have all the intentions in the world to avoid confrontation, but it doesn't sound like she feels the same way! In fact, she's still manipulating you, trying to provoke you into some kind of incident where she can call the police on you. If you don't take steps to protect yourself, get on the defensive, stop "dreaming" and be realistic, one of these days she's going to catch you with your guard down, when you're tired, or frustrated with something entirely unrelated, and boom! you'll be doomed.

It also sounds like she's already starting in on the parental alienation, telling your son that you didn't want him. That's the sort of thing you should get recorded too. Meanwhile, do as much as you always have done with the kids, if not more (because you need to get out of that awful house with them!) and assure them that no matter what happens between you and their mother, you will always love and be there for them. Your actions will speak louder than her words.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 07-28-2010, 05:05 PM
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Her actions are just plain crazy from what you've explained! She's enjoying having another man and trying to keep you on the side. She's the one that cheated but by the sounds of things is taking it out on you. It's as if she's blaming you for her screw ups!
I don't even know how you can even look at her after what she's done with this other dude. kudos to you for trying to do the right thing here.
Just keep focused on your children, try to sheild them from your fights as much as possible. The last thing is having to send the children to counselling because of the violence and abuse both physical and verbal that they have witnessed....
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Old 07-28-2010, 05:12 PM
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Teddie, you need to LISTEN and follow the advice you have recieved. She WILL have you charged and unless you protect yourself (with voice and hopefully video) it will probably stick.

This is not going to go away. I've been there. YOu can try your best to "behave" but she will find something, anything to get mad about and then you are screwed.

You can try mediation, but it looks like the window of opportunity on that is closing. I did the same thing, and as soon as he realized that I really was done, he put up a wall and started creating conflict, denying me access and doing anything he could to hurt me, usually through my child. Once this happens there will be little chance to negotiate anything.

I am also going to recommend you contact the women's shelter. I know, I've heard it before, but even if they can't help you they may be able to find someone who can. If you want your kids out of there, and with you, you have to use every little advantage you can get.

And if you have any injuries from the last assault...take pics now! They might not be worth much, but they are something that may come in handy later on.

Good Luck
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 07-28-2010, 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Teddie View Post
She has become crazy, ever since things soured with the other guy and I didn't want her back she has changed. Very tempermental and extremely emotional. After last nights blow up I told her she needed professional help. Hell, I'm going to see a counsellor and I'm a lot more calm and level headed these days then she is..
Here is the thing. She is not acting rationally. Nothing you do or don't do will control her behaviour. You can't just act passive and think that this will prevent her from being violent with you.

Any violence that goes down, you will be blamed if you don't have hard evidence that she was the offender. You must have a voice recorder, and DTTE's suggestion of video is also good, you can get basic wifi web cams cheap even at Staples (or cheaper if you shop around) and put them whereever you can think.

Have a locked room for yourself, spend as much time with the kids as you can, take them out of the house as often as possible. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HER AT ALL. Do not just be 'passive'. Don't have a conversation. Don't speak, don't be in the same room. As much as it is hell, don't come out of your room when the kids are out or asleep, and under no circumstances allow her inside it.

You cannot sustain this situation but at the least you can protect your rights and protect yourself against false assault charges. This boyfriend will call the cops on you at the drop of a hat. It will happen. You can protect yourself or you can go to jail and once one thing leads to another, you could lose everything. She can drag out a charge for weeks, get exclusive possession of the home and interim custody of the kids, then drag it out further and boom, she has status quo. Some judges won't fall for that, but some have. Don't take the chance.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 07-28-2010, 10:41 PM
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take pictures with dates on the photos of all injuriest sustained by her.. PAPER PAPER PROOF PROOF!!! and dont leave the residence... my fiancee left for a bit because his "wife" at the time was stressed and she wanted some space so they could goto counselling... after 6 months she filed for divorce claiming he abandoned the home and got every single thing inside of it ... everything.
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2010, 10:40 AM
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Thanks, your replies are definitely helping. I can see that even though she is calm one day, the next day can turn into a nightmare in the blink of an eye. I have talked to a lawyer and plan on retaining him either today or tomorrow. Hopefully her and I can agree on some things and have everything legalized but I'm not holding my breath.

I've thought of using the voice recorder as right now I have no proof that she is assaulting me. If the police are called on me I need something to back up my side of the story.

I hope the lawyer has some kind of recommendation for me today. I can't go through another night of sitting on the couch while someone screams at me. I have always been a great father to our kids and I thought I was a good husband but apparently not. You would think it was me that had the affair if you saw the way the fight went the other night...she was out to cause as much damage as possible. Since I found out about the other guy I have been punched, slapped, kicked, scratched, she targets my crotch sometimes, spit in my face at least 5 different times, and ripped hair out of my head twice. Now, I'm not a person who would call the police because my wife is assaulting me because I can handle it....not that I really want to. But, the fact they were called over a minor incident and now I could potentially be charged and spend time in jail is ridiculous.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2010, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Teddie View Post
I hope the lawyer has some kind of recommendation for me today.
Don't count on it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddie View Post
Since I found out about the other guy I have been punched, slapped, kicked, scratched, she targets my crotch sometimes, spit in my face at least 5 different times, and ripped hair out of my head twice. Now, I'm not a person who would call the police because my wife is assaulting me because I can handle it....not that I really want to. But, the fact they were called over a minor incident and now I could potentially be charged and spend time in jail is ridiculous.
How many times do you have to be told? You keep on giving more and more details about the violence and your willingnes to take it, to say nothing of the terrrible impact it's having on your children. AND you continue to say that you aren't one to call the police. With that sorry attitude it's only a matter of time before you get charged and kicked out of the house.

The BF intervenes and makes the call to police based on lies and non-events, while you get the shit kicked out of you? It's not enough that he's fucking your wife, he also has to fuck your life.

It's all I can do not to call you a patsy. Get a grip. If you don't want to protect yourself, at least let your parental instincts to protect your children govern you! If you don't then good luck to your kids once you are out of the picture and your whackjob spouse gets to mold their futures.

Last edited by dadtotheend; 07-29-2010 at 12:34 PM.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2010, 12:33 PM
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Are you kidding me? You have to get her out of there. You owe it to your children......please.....You can't keep living like that, and the damage to your children is hard to fathom......You can't leave them with her.....you have to get her out......NOW!...She sounds desperate.....and desperate people do desperate things......
And what do you mean "I thought I was a good husband but apparently not"......?
This is not on you my friend.......this is all on her......for her to do these things to you ......shame on her....
I think you feel sorry for her in some way, or responsible for her......and thats fine, you might just be that type of guy.....HOWEVER, your first responsibility is to yourself and those kids....
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2010, 12:37 PM
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Get her charged with assault and out of the house!!!!!!! You're not being a good father if you don't!!!!
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2010, 02:00 PM
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I am going to apologize if I sound harsh up front, but my friend, you need a bit of harsh reality. Please don't it personal, as I do want you to do what is best for yourself:


Dude, you should do some reading about domestic violence, because you are the poster child for it.

1. It isn't going to get any better because you are enabling the circle of violence by not acknowledging the violence. SHE IS ABUSING YOU!!! If roles were reversed, you'd have had your bags packed and been shipped to jail ages ago. You are saying it is ok because you "can take it". You need to learn a bunch more.

2. You need to protect yourself in as many ways as possible. She has buddy on the side who is chomping at the bit to fill your shoes. So he will undermine everything you try to accomplish with reconsiling with your wife, because she wants the attention from as many people as she can get. If she ends it with this guy, there will be another. So you need to protect your assets and yourself. Get the freaking voice recorder ASAP. Wear it 100% of the time when in your house and download it nightly to a secure computer. While it may not be usable in court as evidence of her assaults on you, you can use it to refute much of her claims that you abused her.

3. It is good you got a lawyer. But now you must only talk to her in matters relating to the children or matters regarding the household. If the conversation should start to go downhill, simply say you no longer have interest in continuing this conversation as you feel it is raising hostilities and you do not want to do this in the presense of the children.

What kind of example are you setting for your kids when you allow your wife to kick the crap outta you, cheat on you and have buddy over while you are gone? How would you feel if one of your kids were in the your shoes? I bet you'd be dragging them to the police to file charges. So why can't you do it for yourself?

Divorce is gonna suck. But you gotta read that list provided on the last page. After your done reading it, print it. And then read it again the next day or four. You need to understand that your in a situation that is violent and toxic. You need to protect yourself and your kids.

I hope you do what is right and best for your family.

Last edited by HammerDad; 07-29-2010 at 02:05 PM.
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