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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 07-28-2010, 02:49 PM
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Default In a Bind and Need Advice Please!

I found out my wife was having an affair back in September. She continued dating the other guy until February or March of this year. We tried to reconcile but I gave up because she was still in contact with and seeing the other guy.

I told her I was done with the marriage and I wanted a divorce. We have two boys together and I think their lives will be better when her and I are separate and not at each others throats all the time. Since I decided to give up on reconciling she holds A LOT of resentment towards me. I feel like she is always guilt tripping me and painting me as the bad guy to the kids which I think is very wrong as she shouldn't be involving them in that way.

Last week we had another argument which got way out of hand. We yelled and then I grabbed her by the shoulders and said, "Please let's stop this", to which she slapped me and pushed me. I know, I shouldn't have touched her at all. I decided to pack a bag and head to a family members to avoid the fight getting worse. After I leave she tells the other guy about the incident and he calls the police on me. The police called me and the officers and I met and talked. After hearing the whole history behind our marital problems they said they weren't going to charge me but should I mess up in the next 3 months I will be charged. The officer told me he sympathized and thought I was just a really frustrated person who slipped up...which is exactly what it was.

I left the house for 4 days because she wouldn't allow me back in the home. During that time, the other guy was sleeping there apparently which I thought was very wrong for our kids to see. Historically I have done a lot more with the kids in our marriage and I think the time I spent away was hard on here so she asked me to come back to the house until a better living arrangement was made.

Since I have been back (3 days now), she has tried to be nicer but then she blows up at me now and then and finger points etc etc. Last night we argued back and forth and then it got ugly. She punched me in the face several times, tore hair from the back of my head, tried kicking and punching me in the groin, and choked me several times. Basically I was worried if I even defended myself the police would be called again. I had to block her from punching my groin and I had to remove her hands from around my throat but other that I let her assault me. I have no plans on calling the police. Sure enough when the other guy heard about the incident he was ready to call the police on me for assault (not sure how this counts) but she talked him out of it.

She wants us living under the same roof, in separate rooms until the house is sold or other arrangements are made. I think this is a bad situation on the verge of getting worse. Have any of you ever been in such a situation and if so what did you do for living arrangments?

I can move out myself and visit the kids but she refuses to allow me to see them. Basically she wants me in the house because it gives her some control over me and I just can't stand that. Because of the hours she works I know she needs me to watch the kids but there is no give on her end. We used to talk about 50/50 with the kids and now she is threatening me with sole custody. I have tried to think ahead for what is best for our kids but this woman is very unreasonable, takes no responsibility for the affair (hell I take some blame), and is just out to get me out of spite. She really thinks she owns me!

I know this is a long rant but any advice about anything would be great. I am meeting with a counsellor by myself next week to deal with the stress and anger this is causing.

Thanks for ready!
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:14 PM
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What ever you do, don't leave no matter what! From what I heard and read it will hurt you, if you are leaving the kids behind. I know it must be hard living there and the situation with the police, you must be walking on egg shells as she will probably be trying to set you up to continue to call the police.
Get into a seperate room from her, try to schedule yourself where you won't be spending that much time with her in the house. Take the kids out, to the park etc.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:23 PM
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I know you're reluctant, but you need to get her charged with assault and get her out of that house, with some kind of restraining order. Or at the very least, don't leave that house again unless you have your children with you. If you have a room she can use as a bedroom, put her stuff in there and get a lock for your master bedroom. Do not move out! If she wants you in the house but separate, and you are the primary child carer, tell her that's what the arrangement will have to be, otherwise she should move out. Then she'll probably end up with the other guy, and not have to worry about her kids interfering with her work schedule and her new relationship. Arrange time for her to see the kids in such a way that you do not have to worry about her abducting them, so you don't look like you're cutting off their access to her. But that environment is toxic for them, and has to stop as soon as you can arrange it. Even if they never see you argue and never witness her physical violence, they will sense it simmering under the surface, and your mood with them will be affected and your parenting will suffer.

As others have suggested, get some kind of recording device for your interactions so that in the event she gets violent again, you have something to use with police and in court to show that it didn't go as she will claim it did. Protect yourself.

I suspect a LOT of her anger is due to the popping of the happy bubble her affair was providing and her denial that her marriage is ending. She transfers it onto you so she doesn't have to deal with it.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:30 PM
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Go and get yourself a Personal Voice Recorder (PVR). Do it NOW.
Wear it while you are in the home with her. This will prevent any false domestic violence charges.

If she comes at you, walk away. Set up separate bedrooms, put a lock on the door of yours. Document EVERYTHING. Family finances, assets, debts, etc. If she follows you, call the police. You have your recording of the events. If she is violent with you on a regular basis, you can ask for exclusive possession of the home due to her documented outbursts.

Go and read this link that was provided in another thread (by DTTE I believe, though I am too lazy too look it up ):

"Main Forum Page - Divorce Forums | Divorce Advice for Men | Information on Divorce • View topic - THE LIST (Print It)"

It's very very pessimistic and worse case scenario, but it's scarily accurate. Most of the advice it gives is very very good. Kill any joint accounts TODAY. If there is money owing on lines of credit or anything, you can't CLOSE the account, however you CAN freeze it. (only allowing payments)

Get out of bed with her financially. Do not do any banking/communication/research from the family computer. Use a laptop or a netbook and make sure you carry it with you. (decent netbook can be had for < 400 if you shop around).

Document every cent you put towards the marital debts. Start a "war chest" of cash. If this goes to court, you'll need 10-30K over the next 1-3 years...at least.

Document every single minute you spend with the kids, make sure you are a visible part of their lives. (sports events, school, when they are sick, doctor and dentist appts., etc.)

You get the idea. Best of luck, it's a long road, but if you are truly interested in being a father to your children, it's worth it in the end.

Her infidelity is NOT relevant to custody, access and support. At best it can be used to file for divorce earlier than the one year mandate, but in all honesty by the time you get through the rest of it, you'll be well past that anyway.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:41 PM
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She sounds like a complete wacko!!!

She wants you there, but when you're not she invites buddy in and has sex with him while the kids live there. And then asks you back just so she can beat the shit out of you.

I would go futher than what others have said. I would install a hidden camera and the next time she lays the boots to you (and you KNOW she will) I would keep my hands behind my back and take the beating and then IMMEDIATELY call the cops, get her charged with assault and kicked out of the house for GOOD.

Your kids don't that animal around them until she learns how to act like a human being. And that includes a long cooling off period, anger management and loss of custody of her children.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:45 PM
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Thanks guys. I have been documenting when I see the kids and I live in a separate room in the same house.

I have spoken to a lawyer who has said don't leave the house if at all possible. I will try and stay but I think I should limit my interactions with her and spend as much time doing things with the kids as possible. I agree that this is a toxic environment for my poor kids and I feel terrible for them. The lawyer I spoke with said the best thing I can do is either go to mediation with her and have the agreement legalized or draw up the agreement with her without a mediator and have it legalized.

I don't plan on calling the police as I'm confident these fights can be avoided if I just become extremely passive and then only talk about our separation details. Things become bad when we have talked in circles about who's fault it is....to me it doesn't even matter anymore who's fault it is. So, I will try and avoid confrontation but I may find myself regretting that decision very soon.

My biggest worry is custody. I am worthy and deserving of 50/50 with my kids as everyone who knows us, including her own family, knows I have always been the one to spend the most time with the kids. But, I think she can find a way to prevent me from getting this, even though the more I am in their lives the better it is for them. She is not looking out for the kids best interests and that is really sad.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddie View Post
I don't plan on calling the police as I'm confident these fights can be avoided if I just become extremely passive and then only talk about our separation details.
You're dreaming dude.

You're are going to end up getting charged with assault and then you will be well and truly screwed, chewed and barbequed.

If the gender roles were reversed in your story there would be a parade of people advising her to get you charged and kicked out . Get her violent ass kicked out of there.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
She sounds like a complete wacko!!!

She wants you there, but when you're not she invites buddy in and has sex with him while the kids live there. And then asks you back just so she can beat the shit out of you.

I would go futher than what others have said. I would install a hidden camera and the next time she lays the boots to you (and you KNOW she will) I would keep my hands behind my back and take the beating and then IMMEDIATELY call the cops, get her charged with assault and kicked out of the house for GOOD.

Your kids don't that animal around them until she learns how to act like a human being. And that includes a long cooling off period, anger management and loss of custody of her children.
She has become crazy, ever since things soured with the other guy and I didn't want her back she has changed. Very tempermental and extremely emotional. After last nights blow up I told her she needed professional help. Hell, I'm going to see a counsellor and I'm a lot more calm and level headed these days then she is.

Having the other guy in the house right after I left was just wrong on so many levels. I can only imagine what that teaches my kids? On top of that she tells my oldest that I'm leaving the marriage because I want to start my own life without them!!! Hearing that made me want to punch a hole through the wall and set something on fire but I have to keep my cool.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
You're dreaming dude.

You're are going to end up getting charged with assault and then you will be well and truly screwed, chewed and barbequed.

If the gender roles were reversed in your story there would be a parade of people advising her to get you charged and kicked out . Get her violent ass kicked out of there.
You know your right. I have always turned away comments like yours and thought, "I'm differnt, I can handle the situation"...and so far I have been wrong everytime.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:58 PM
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Like you've been advised already, DO NOT expect things to just blow over. Violence is violence, regardless of who it's coming from. The police and the rest of the legal system is HEAVILY broken and biased towards the female.

If you don't protect yourself, I will guaran-damn-tee you you will regret it.

Video would be great, IF you can get away with it. A PVR is almost as good, and far more concealable.
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