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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 02-26-2013, 02:50 PM
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I don't for a moment trying to rebuild my life and not conceding to the idea that love is for losers.

It wasn't about just sex, though I admit that sex is an intimate bonding in a relationship. Its about sharing your life with someone.

Many of us in long term marriages, for better or worse, lived without love for a long time, and it is natural to seek it out when we become free to do so. Did I make a mistake with my first relationship? Well yes I did. But thats a risk you take, and hopefully you learn a lesson and move on. My second relationship, had good times and bad, just didn't work out, but she is a great woman and I wish her well in her new relationship. I don't consider it a mistake, the issues we had were not ones you anticipate, rather ones you discover as you move from one stage of relationship to another. And I will admit, I didn't enjoy being rushed into marriage a second time even before I had my divorce papers.

I'm not looking for a shag, I'm looking for a life partner, and I think the experience I've had with the ones that didn't work out will help me in the end. I have a brother who has been married twice who is now living with a woman who is perfect for him. I had an aunt who was twice divorced, had a happy marriage that ended when he died, and has found love again years lter. I can't help think that they learned as they went.
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Old 02-26-2013, 03:12 PM
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CS recipient here, but no bloody freakin' way would I get married.

I can get out and have dates when I choose. It's great. Freedom is great. I LOVE FREEDOM!!!
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Old 02-26-2013, 03:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
CS recipient here, but no bloody freakin' way would I get married.

I can get out and have dates when I choose. It's great. Freedom is great. I LOVE FREEDOM!!!
Yep, I don't think anyone can argue with that. I am in a relationship again but for the short time I was single it was a great feeling. Even now, there are days where the lure of being single and doing whatever I like is tempting.
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Old 02-26-2013, 03:43 PM
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CS recipient here, but no bloody freakin' way would I get married.

I can get out and have dates when I choose. It's great. Freedom is great. I LOVE FREEDOM!!!
lol...I didn't date much after separation but I HATED it...dating is awful. But I know what you mean about the freedom thing.

There is nothing...NOTHING...like walking into your own house after work to a peaceful, clean home without your ex in it. Its wonderful!

Presently, I have the best of both worlds in a sense...incredible relationship with the man of my dreams who lives 3 hours away so we're only together on weekends.

I wish they'd do a study on the person who wants/initiates the divorce and the other person.

I'm finding in almost every person I know that left...they were actually "gone" for a long time prior to the marriage ending and are therefore much more ready emotionally into a new relationship. In my case, I was ready for years and had almost no emotional feelings upon leaving my ex except for a great sense of relief and a feeling of liberty. If I get frustrated, its because the divorce process is taking so long. I hate having my name connected to his.

The people that I know that get "left" are often just dazed for a while...even when they know their marriage was bad...they don't expect it to end. Some are very bitter and try to stay involved in some way with their ex's by nosing into their personal life, etc. I find it takes them a lot longer to be ready for a relationship. Its hard to meet someone new when you're a ball of bitterness due to an ex relationship.

I've also met one couple who both wanted to leave...they just knew it wasn't working out. Funny enough..they're both friends and live close to each other and co-parent the kids.

I'm also a recepient but I'm not so sure I'd bother getting married again...don't want more kids, so what's the point? I'd only do it if my new partner was adamant about wanting to re-marry.
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Old 02-26-2013, 06:56 PM
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I am not actually a support payor, my bf is, however our finances are co-mingled so it just depends when the 1st and 15th falls and who gets paid at the time, as we have one budget. That being said... if things didn't work out for my partner and I, I don't know if I would get involved with someone who has children again... there have been a lot of ups and downs along the way and we are finally at a point where things seems sorta normal... I adore his children and when they are with us, I treat them as my own, I find when they are with us I put in just as much if not more of a effort in raising them. It has been very emotional at times, something I don't think I could do again.

For me, it isn't financial, it is more of the emotional turmoil that people are often put through.
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Old 02-26-2013, 07:23 PM
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Oink- yes some parents are not willing to allow other adults to make decisions or discipline their children.

I made it clear to my partner during our dating stage, that if things were going to work with us we needed to come to a common ground when it came to the children. There were basically two options...

One- the children were his responsibility, he was responsible financially, emotionally and what not for the children... I would basically just be an adult in their life- I knew I would grow to love the children, but the rest of it was up to him.

Two- I would treat the children like my own, with that meant I would help with the discipline, financial aspect, emotional aspect and what not... they would be just like my own.

We choose option two... there are still times when I step back and let Dad deal with the children and there are times where Dad steps back and lets me... it is a partnership when it comes to kids.

Others may not agree, but it really seems that parents these days are afraid to discipline their children, nothing is every their children's fault and what not. Heck, teachers are told not to mark in red anymore, kids are not allowed to fail grades, etc... kids are basically taught that there is not such thing as failure... that is a real problem and why some may not want to get involved with those with kids.

I have a very close group of friends, they all have children... when we are all together, it doesn't matter which child is acting up, the first adult that sees it, deals with the child...either telling them to knock it off, or issuing a time out... there are usually 6 children and they each know that it doesn't matter who says what, they are to listen to the adults... it is that whole, it takes a village to raise a child. They are taught to respect their elders. When the children's Mom had a bf, the kids told us much they didn't really like that he made them clean up their toys... Dad immediately told the children that whether they like it or not, if Mom's bf tells them to do something they are expected to do it. We never heard an issue about it again.
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Old 02-26-2013, 07:24 PM
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I always wanted to be a Dad, have kids, a nice home and family life. When we discovered we couldn't have more kids it hurt our relationship on many levels even though we had one son. I wanted to get help in dealing with our issues but my ex had no motivation to try, she felt she could keep all the money without the hassle of a husband anymore. During separation our son was diagnosed with autism. My ex went full throttle on the money thing, taking 70% of the assets along with full spousal support and child support. Due to the ambush and stall tactics I wasn't really able to get into a court room to do better. I have been divorced for 2 years now and I'm really no further ahead financially.

The good news is that spousal support is due for review in the fall, and our son is in school and should begin full days in grade 1, the ex can return to work and maybe I will start to rebuild my finances. I am extremely frustrated not to be able to put a roof over my son's head when he is with me. All my access visits take place at my parent's or my girlfriend`s house since I cannot afford anything for him. I rent a small bedroom in a family home though I am often at my girlfriend's house.

I always knew that my goals hadn't changed and I still wanted to be a Dad. I was willing to find someone younger and start a new family, get re-married and all that. It hasn't turned out quite that way... my new partner is also divorced and has two children in a 50/50 arrangement. At this point I do not believe I would re-marry due to family law. Eventually we may become common law, but with a cohab agreement. We are planning on building our family budget in a way that she is supporting her children, not me, since we both realize the legal implications of doing otherwise. We would like to own a home for all our children someday.

If things didn't work out with my current partner, I do not believe I would try again. Neither does she.
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Old 02-26-2013, 08:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oink View Post
I am sure those saying the "new person" is the love of their life, said the same when they first got married, deja vu perhaps?
Yeah, when you get blindsided by the person you thought was 'the one' I think it's very hard to find the courage to try another relationship. I sometimes feel that my ability to trust has been severely damaged by the circumstances of my marriage breakup. Having had heartsick, painful proof of how gullible and manipulated I was, I just can't see going into another relationship without doubting my own ability to judge the person's trustworthiness.

And certainly I would protect myself financially. That hypothetical special someone is still going to have to endure the most iron-clad prenup the world has ever seen.
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Old 02-27-2013, 10:26 AM
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Quote:
Yeah, when you get blindsided by the person you thought was 'the one' I think it's very hard to find the courage to try another relationship. I sometimes feel that my ability to trust has been severely damaged by the circumstances of my marriage breakup.
Rioe:

That is a truly difficult situation and you have my sympathies.

I had a much different circumstance. I was very young when I married and basically did it to get out of my childhood home as it wasn't a good situation. I wasn't running towards my ex...just running away from a bad circumstance. I was never in love with my ex but I tried to be a good wife/mother for a long time. He just wasn't relationship material...he was emotionally retarded....so we ended up living very separate lives. I got to a certain age and realized that I could have a much more fulfilling life elsewhere.

I think there's a great difference in relationships at an more mature age and after a divorce. I think your instincts are better and more importantly you aren't so needy...you can really focus on your core requirements for happiness. I think in your case, you should definitely figure out when you're ready but I think you should trust yourself and your instincts...divorce tends to hone them a bit.

After separation, I found dating a monotonous but easy process. I was able to quickly sort and decide against a lot of guys who were incredibly nice but just not for me. I just got really good at knowing what things weren't going to work for me...and finally I did meet the perfect guy, who funny enough was going through a divorce after a 30 yr marriage at the time (of course, he was actually divorced 2 years ago and I'm no where close..lol).

I guess as rough, stressful and long as divorce is...I've found it very liberating and very enlightening in a lot of ways. I really can say that divorcing my ex has been one of the most positive experiences of my adult life and I know my children are a lot better off too.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:19 AM
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Thanks Pursuing for posting that, gives me some hope. Yes I agree that we are different people at this stage in life, and hopefully more able to make good decisions and know what we want and need out of a relationship.
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