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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 02-26-2013, 01:30 PM
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Default Attn Support PAYORS would you ever remarry ?

This isn't really a request for assistance as much as a "just curious". While no doubt most support recipients think our Family Law system is great (who wouldn't like free money !) I suspect most payors would agree that while some payments to assist children is not unreasonable, the amounts by and large are not reasonable to the payor. In addition, for those with higher incomes, "child support" can arguably be viewed as disguised spousal support but without the tax deductability feature. To add insult to injury, the government will go to extraordinary means to wring every penny from the CS payor, but then couldn't care less if the CS recipient spends it foolishly.

So, my question is, knowing what you know now, would you ever put yourself in such a financially devastating situation again by getting married or living common law. I'm not saying be a monk, but perhaps limiting yourself to simply ongoing dating and being careful not to put yourself in harm's way financially courtesy of our horrible Family Law system.

Personally, knowing what I know now, I will never put myself in that situation again. I very much enjoy spending time withthe opposite sex and value their company, just don't think I should have to risk financial devastation for the privilege. Staying single is the way to go. I get a chuckle out of folks who say marriage "proves your committment" - we all know either party can bolt for the slightest reason and make the higher income earner pay dearly for their decision.

Opinions ? .......
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:49 PM
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I will never get married again. Anybody who marries someone with a lower income has lost their mind. I am getting punished for working hard while my ex gets rewarded for being a university dropout.

I married once, when I was ignorant.

To tweak a common saying: Fool me once, shame on family law. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Funnily enough, she recently told me that she would happily get married again. I guess more cash-for-life can't hurt.
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Old 02-26-2013, 01:55 PM
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In Quebec you can live with somebody and as long as you don't sign up to the nonsense they never get a right to spousal support
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Old 02-26-2013, 02:15 PM
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I'm 51, and I would not consider marrying someone of child bearing age, or at least someone who wanted children, as three is enough, and I still have post secondary education to worry about.

My current GF has adult children, a well paying job that she is good at and that she loves. Actually we have the same wage, just that almost half of mine goes to my ex and the kids. But she also has other sources of income as well.

We have openly talked about whether my ego would be bruised if she treated me to a vacation.

I'm not sure she wants to get married, but she might want to live common law. That might be simpler financially.
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Old 02-26-2013, 02:32 PM
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I am only 27, and am engaged. We have been together for almost 5 years and are getting married in Sept.
So my answer is yes, I will.
Though my child is through common law with my ex and not marriage, but we did live together.
I waited much longer and have taken my time to get fully involved but over time we have cultivated something that I think is great. Though I did make sure to find someone with ambition and drive to better herself rather then someone like my ex who would rather not work and stay home doing nothing.
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Old 02-26-2013, 02:36 PM
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Well, I don't know if paying alone makes someone not get into a new relationship. Perhaps level of conflict in separation is more of an indicator?

My stbx is paying voluntarily. He moved in with a new girlfriend (that he met only two months after we separated) about 3 months into their relationship. He is bordering on common law status now and doesn't seem concerned about it. I asked him how he will feel if he has to pay both of us ss in the future and he just scoffed at the notion..... Ridiculous to not consider that really, given what his future income will be.

He is, however, currently living in the house she owns and she makes a great salary herself. I just think he can't think long term at all and doesn't think of what the "what ifs" could be.

Me, although I have been asked, I haven't dated yet (17 months separated). Need to get my life, my thoughts and my kids' lives in complete order before I bring someone else into the mix.
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Old 02-26-2013, 02:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadAndTired View Post
Well, I don't know if paying alone makes someone not get into a new relationship. Perhaps level of conflict in separation is more of an indicator?

My stbx is paying voluntarily. He moved in with a new girlfriend (that he met only two months after we separated) about 3 months into their relationship. He is bordering on common law status now and doesn't seem concerned about it. I asked him how he will feel if he has to pay both of us ss in the future and he just scoffed at the notion..... Ridiculous to not consider that really, given what his future income will be.


He is, however, currently living in the house she owns and she makes a great salary herself. I just think he can't think long term at all and doesn't think of what the "what ifs" could be.

Perhaps he assumes she will continue to make the same salary, and if they separate he wouldn't owe her SS. Not necessarily ridiculous, one of the women I dated last year, and considered moving in with has been with the same employer for almost 25 years, and could retire in a few years with a pension equivalent to 70% of her salary. Her ex didn't pay her any ss or cs, just gave her a larger share of the proceeds of the house (she earned a larger salary) and walked away.

Me, although I have been asked, I haven't dated yet (17 months separated). Need to get my life, my thoughts and my kids' lives in complete order before I bring someone else into the mix.
You are ready when you are ready. It varies from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. If you are still bitter about your ex, you aren't ready. I wasn't ready last year, not because I was bitter, but simply because there were too many battles over the separation agreement, and when pressured to move in, I backed out.
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Old 02-26-2013, 02:53 PM
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I wasn't married to the mother of my kid, but I am married now.

I know this is going to sound completely hypocritical, but I would never marry a person with a child. I have my own, I don't want responsibility for theirs.

While my wife is actively involved with raising my child and they love each other, should for some unknown reason we breakup, she wouldn't be on the hook for maintaining my child, as I only get EOW. If I were to get into a relationship with a custodial parent, I would have to make damn good and sure I don't participate in parental duties......just in case....and that isn't fair to the relationship....

I love my wife. She is great. But should I end up single again for some unknown reason, I doubt I remarry.
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Old 02-26-2013, 02:56 PM
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I hear you Downtrodden. I am not bitter either but certainly not ready to be an equal emotional partner in a relationship. Almost the same as what you were saying, there are too many areas to work on in my life and separation first.

I do think my ex was on the rebound and particularly vulnerable when he met his new gf. He has hinted she is needy but that is his problem now.

Don't want to hijack. Just think that personality types, level of conflict and situation may have a bigger impact on getting into a new relationship rather than if a person has to pay ss.

However, that is coming from a recipient.
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Old 02-26-2013, 03:11 PM
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SadAndTired,

I have some sympathy for your Ex. My first relationship after my separation was months after, and I was in hindsight very vulnerable. And she had many issues that I overlooked. I so wanted it to work, that I overlooked some things in the hope that love would overcome all obstacles. Insert rude awakening, sound of a car crashing into a wall here.

My second relationship started 8 months after separation, but still in the midst of separation agreement wars. It clearly played a part in some of the issues we had, both as a source of external and internal stress. She wanted to fight for me, and wanted me to fight more, and be more agressive, even though my lawyer was suggesting otherwise. At the time I focussed on other issues within our relationship, but I realise in hindsight the role my own external issues around parenting and the separation agreement played.

Yes, for those of you who are counting, I'm on my third relationship. But I am divorced now, and for better or worse I have an agreement that I may not like, but can live with. I have few assets, but no debts. I have a decent job. And I have a GF who is patient, and stable, and not rushing into anything. If this turns into a common law relationship, I wouldn't be unhappy.
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