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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 03-17-2011, 11:49 PM
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Default Any suggestions as to how to get over mental abuse for both yourself and your kids

My soon to be ex is still in the home.
Here is a quick summary of the situation.

1. This is both my second marriage and his.
2. I have sole custody of my 3 children. Now 14, 13 and 10
3. We have been married for 5 years and together a total of 7 years.
4. Last year or more he has been very mentally abusive to myself and the kids. (especially my 14 year old daughter)
5. He is very short tempered and angery over everything that my 14 year old daughter does (especially if he is upset with his 26 year old daughter that won`t have anything to do with him)

He can be so great at times and loving. Other times he is so horrible and mean. I have caught him communicating and trying to find other woman for afternoon delites.
How can it hurt so badly how an unfaithful, nasty, angry man be... How can someone have so many different sides to them...
I know that it is for the best for myself and my children for us to split. But I just don`t know how to overcome the hurt and damage that he has caused.
Any suggestions.... Please.....
I need to be strong for both myself and for my kids..
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Old 03-18-2011, 04:01 PM
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Do not tolerate the mental abuse..it will only get worse. Seek out a women's shelter and ask for outreach support. You will not have to stay at the shelter but can avail of the support to help you overcome the emotional damage. Good luck.
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Old 04-05-2011, 10:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrysalis68 View Post
He can be so great at times and loving. Other times he is so horrible and mean. I have caught him communicating and trying to find other woman for afternoon delites.
Can you provide any reason why he might seek delites outside of his marriage?
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:41 AM
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Default Resources for Help

I am so sorry for the hurt you have experienced. You and your family will be in my prayers.

I have never experienced emotional or physical abuse first-hand but I have friends that have. It batters your soul and self-esteem dramatically. It is best to leave this relationship in a smart and honest way with no regrets. There is this really great relationship rebuilding course that I took this past year that helped me understanding communication in relationship and why painful situations arise. The SDRC also has a youth and child counsellor which would be great for helping your kids heal as well.

In the meantime, the Ottawa Academy of Psychologists is another great resource for finding a psychologist in Ottawa to talk to about your situation in a safe and confidential place. It might be a great idea to do a couple family counselling session with your kids as well.

Divorce is very scary and heart wrenching but it is an experience that you can learn and grow from. There are resources and professionals available, acting as angels to build you up.
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnarX View Post
Can you provide any reason why he might seek delites outside of his marriage?
I'm sure it's because she is not providing adequate services at home.

Perhaps you should suggest to her that she should pitch in for the cost of these afternoon delites?

and PSSSSSSTTT - it "delights" , not "delites"

Last edited by KeepSmiling; 04-06-2011 at 09:45 AM. Reason: cause i wanted to
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by mummer1962 View Post
Do not tolerate the mental abuse..it will only get worse. Seek out a women's shelter and ask for outreach support. You will not have to stay at the shelter but can avail of the support to help you overcome the emotional damage. Good luck.
Before you run off the deep end where they may encourage you to take drastic (and perhaps unnecessary) measures, how about seeing a couples counsellor? If he won't go, go yourself.
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:36 PM
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and perhaps seek an hour or so of free consult from a lawyer to better prepare and protect yourself.

Counselling for you, him and the children would be best if you want to salvage things. Even if you don't or he won't go, you should still seek help for you and your kids.

In the interim, you have a decision to make, do you stay in the situation or do you start to take steps to severe the ties.
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:58 PM
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The question is. Do you want to stay married to this man or divorce him? Simple straightforward question but one very difficult to answer.

Decide this weekend.

Oh. If you decide to stay marrried...Tell him that your heart is breaking you love him but you think that sadly you think the marriage is in trouble and that you are both at fault. Ask him if he knows of ways to fix it. (don't expect much of a response from him in this regard as most men, at least in my experience, don't seem to be able to reply to such questions well) Go for a walk with him. Don't point out the things you think are wrong with him just tell him you are upset. I might however point out to him that you'd seen him on the internet and it looked like he was looking for other women and that if he did stuff like this it would break your heart. I might also gently say to him that maybe if he acted slightly different to the one daughter it might help out. Listen to what he has to say about that. (in regards to the potential womenizing perhaps you are mistaken and maybe he was just looking at porn or something like that. He might be embarrassed to say he was looking at porn). If you think his explanation is hollow don't then say as much. Maybe things will get better. Give it a month, of course don't tell him you are giving it a month as this would be an insane amount of pressure to put on someone to straighten up. After a month re-evaluate.

If you decide to divorce now or after a month then: Go to legal aid. Prepare the papers and sell the house. Split the assets. Now in terms of the kids. This man has raised them for the majority of their lives. If you consider him responsible for the kids then offer this man the option of raising them 50/50. If you don't consider him responsible for the kids then don't offer him 50/50 inform him he will be a weekend uncle figure but that you won't clean him out by taking child support. I would demand 1/3 of the table amount if you don't want to offer him the right to raise these kids at least 40% of the time. In my opinion the immoral thing to do is deny a parent the opportunity to his/her children at least 40% of the time then demand he/she pay money.

i.e if you don't consider him the dad then don't offer him 50/50 of the time but then also don't take money from him via child support.

It would be unfair to go to court to block him from raising the kids then kick him while he is down and then take money from him.

If you are dead set against offering him even 40% or more of the time with the kids then offer him 20%/30% of the time but don't clean him out by demanding full child support payments. Having to pay to not be allowed to raise ones own kids can cause long term bitter hatred and resentment.
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Old 04-07-2011, 07:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by holdthemaccountable View Post
The question is. Do you want to stay married to this man or divorce him? Simple straightforward question but one very difficult to answer.

Decide this weekend.
WTF....why??


Quote:
Oh. If you decide to stay marrried...Tell him that your heart is breaking you love him but you think that sadly you think the marriage is in trouble and that you are both at fault. Ask him if he knows of ways to fix it. (don't expect much of a response from him in this regard as most men, at least in my experience, don't seem to be able to reply to such questions well) Go for a walk with him. Don't point out the things you think are wrong with him just tell him you are upset. I might however point out to him that you'd seen him on the internet and it looked like he was looking for other women and that if he did stuff like this it would break your heart. I might also gently say to him that maybe if he acted slightly different to the one daughter it might help out. Listen to what he has to say about that. (in regards to the potential womenizing perhaps you are mistaken and maybe he was just looking at porn or something like that. He might be embarrassed to say he was looking at porn). If you think his explanation is hollow don't then say as much. Maybe things will get better. Give it a month, of course don't tell him you are giving it a month as this would be an insane amount of pressure to put on someone to straighten up. After a month re-evaluate.
Really? Have you divorced most men? How many times have you done this already that you're such an expert on most men? This is (one of) the biggest loads of crap I've ever seen posted on here. I couldn't even read much less respond to the rest of your post.
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Old 04-07-2011, 07:19 PM
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I'm just saying in my experience in dealing with the men I know they don't expres themselves as well as the women I know.

Of course someone can always come back with the jokster line. Well then you should get out more. But seriously it comes down to two sitatuons. Divorce him or stay married. No one forces a spouse to stay married. No one forces a spouse to get divorced. People who are married are adults. Adults make their own decisions.

Either try reconciling with him or don't. I suggested how it might be done. Try it or don't try it. If you heart is breaking tell him he is your husband after all. If you don't feel that this would do any good then you have to ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life. If my heart was breaking and I could not even tell my spouse this then.....I don't want to live the rest of my life until I m 85 with someone who will not give me comfort when I am very very serious about such matters. Of course I also would not want to be in a relationship where someone told me on a daily basis there heart was breaking.

Anyway either tell him you're drawing up the papers, or tell him how you feel and you want stuff worked out.
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