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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 02-09-2015, 10:34 PM
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Default Any happy endings?

Just wondering if any of you are experiencing a happy ending ? Is your life improved or improving despite going through a divorce ? Are things getting better?
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:40 PM
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4 years after the divorce it's still a shit-show for me in many ways.

Thank God we didn't have child custody issues! I'm older than many of you (58) and just want some peace.

Happy ending? Not even a glimmer yet.
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Old 02-09-2015, 11:15 PM
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My divorce story is going on 3 years now - financials are still not settled.
As far as a happy ending I will say this much, the yelling and violence have stopped - so I'm wayyyyy better off now.

There's days when I feel that I've traded one set of problems for another. Married for 27 years - NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
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Old 02-10-2015, 07:12 AM
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My kids are happier and safer. Walking on eggshells and looking over my shoulder in my own house has stopped. Yelling, cursing and breaking of inanimate objects has stopped. Death threats. violence and hostage taking has stopped. Has my situation improved ? Yes. and no. Just like Arabian. the shit- show continues. Maybe this is what POW's in the war felt like. I'm financially ruined and have also merely traded one set of problems for another . Hoping to hear from somebody out there ended up with a happy ending even if it took awhile.
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:53 AM
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I'm in what I consider a happy ending. Others may differ.

I am no longer being lied to and used by the person who is supposed to cherish me the most.

I am no longer making excuses to my children for their father's absence.

I am no longer looking after the equivalent of a sulky teenager instead of an adult husband who is supposed to pull his own weight.

I am free to make my own choices about anything without having to be accountable to a person with no flexibility.

My income is no longer being drained so he can pursue fleeting hobbies and whims, most notably his mistress.

I am now able to do things with the children without having to harass their father to participate.

My children are happy and well-adjusted, even if they only see their father once or twice a week.

My income tax refund is a lot bigger as a single mom!

In the interests of full disclosure, I do have down moments, of course. The single parenting gig is hard - the responsibility is ALL on me. I get no SS (I'm lucky not to pay it!) or CS or s7, so I work diligently at my job and make sure to have lots of savings in the event of job loss as I'm the only source of income. Even if I'm sick as a dog, there's no back up to help me look after the kids, and I still have to drag myself out of bed to make meals and ferry them around. I have little free time for my own pursuits and dating is pretty much out of the question - though I'm bored sometimes, I'm not lonely so it's not a personal priority. Anytime I'm down though, I just remind myself "This is so much better than being stabbed in the back by the person you trusted to protect you."

I also have to disclose that my ex is not of the cray-cray variety like most stories here. He's more absentee than vindictive. We settled through mediation without ever needing court. He was so thrilled to be able to go set up his love nest with the mistress that he agreed to pretty much everything I proposed.

I think the reason we see few 'happy endings' on here is that people with good break-ups don't need to seek out legal advice and don't find this website. And when they've received the information they needed and their matter is resolved, they don't always come back to tell us it turned out well.

I stumbled across ODF when I was trying to get second opinions on my lawyer's advice and googled some terminology. I've stayed years later because I feel I have something to offer from everything I've learned. And, yes, I admit it, seeing the horror stories makes me appreciate my situation all the more, and it keeps me from becoming one of 'those' exes myself. I was probably a few steps down the path of being vindictive when this site helped me realize how unproductive that was for my children.

If you were to talk to my ex about all this, I'm sure he'd moan at you that I was a bitch and got all the money, and most of the time with the children. Then he'd hop into bed with his mistress-now-common-law to forget his troubles instead of suggesting a change.

Last edited by Rioe; 02-10-2015 at 10:58 AM.
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Old 02-10-2015, 12:31 PM
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I consider myself a happy ending. It's still a work in progress - at the time of the separation I told my best friend that I thought it would take about five years before I truly came out of it, and that I would need to change my entire life in those five years. So far, it looks like I'm on schedule.

The good things:

I can parent my kid in a way that's consistent with my values, without constant interference and passive hostility. I no longer hear "you're not even trying to be a good mother", or "[Kid] loves me, but she doesn't really care about you". Kid is thriving and we have a warm, fun, respectful relationship (which its ups and downs, like any other). Kid doesn't have a lot of money and toys in her life, but she has friends, books, adventures, participation in her community, the example of a circle of adult friends who embody the values I respect, and a mother who is fully present for her - none of which would have happened if I had not gotten divorced. That is the main reason I consider this whole sorry mess a success in the end.

I live in a home where I no longer walk on eggshells, always waiting for the next landmine to go off. I am no longer the target of someone else's unresolved anger about how life has done him wrong. My mistakes are mine, and my successes are mine too. I come home now and I'm happy to be here.

I'm able to save money. Even though I'm solely responsible for the mortgage, I'm no longer carrying someone else's spending habits. I will be able to provide for Kid's university education and maybe even to retire without having to eat cat food!

My physical health is much better. I no longer suffer from half a dozen vague stress-related complaints (migraines, nausea, joint pain, insomnia ...). I have gained a profound respect for the mind-body connection.

I'm in a loving, mutual respectful relationship with a great man (they do exist!). I now know what it's like for someone to love me despite my imperfections.

I also have made new friends who are creative, smart, principled. This is only possible because I no longer have to worry about what the ex would think of so and so, or whether my friends are acceptable by his standards.

There are downsides - ex isn't one of the out-and-out nutcases that we hear about on this forum, but he's a bitter man with a drinking problem and minimal coping skills, so I still get explosions of anger and insults from time to time. He is quite unpredictable and goes off the rails sometimes Fortunately, it's starting to diminish since he got remarried. He is also difficult about money and owes me a pile.

Single parenting is not a bed of roses. I have 50/50, which is good because it's the best outcome for Kid (and I get time off!) but that also means I have to communicate with the ex more than I would like, and he's pretty rigid. I also have to take on everything from swimming registration to RESPs to the dentist to buying winter clothes. I also have no backup system - no family who could help in a pinch - so if anything goes wrong, I'm hooped. Kid can sleep over with friends every now and then, but I don't want to abuse their friendship, so essentially I'm out here on my own.

Overall, though I have not had a single moment when I doubted my decision to leave. Despite the misery and the struggles, it was absolutely the right thing to do.
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Old 02-10-2015, 12:34 PM
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Whew! A happy ending.

Your observation on why horror stories outnumber the happy tales makes sense. I stumbled across this great site. What brought me here was an internet search. It was early in the separation process which wasn't going smoothly, and it continues to spiral downwards at a good clip. I needed information and support. Both have been provided here.

Rioe: Thank you staying on and sharing your experience.
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Old 02-10-2015, 12:52 PM
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I am a little unique in that my parents split when I was 13 and it was a nightmare. Now Im involved with a divorced man going through his own nightmare. My parents still take shots at each other 25 years later and cant get over THEMSELVES. The beauty is we pick and choose how much time we spend with them and what we put up with. My Mother will remain miserable and bitter while my father seems to have moved on with his life and enjoyed what he had. They both spent a small fortune battling and now have little.

My partner has been split for five years now (three divorced, two separated in process of divorce). I met him a year after he signed all the papers. He never cheated, he and his ex were unhappy from the beginning but determined to make it work. He says hes happier now but theres still moments. While he doesnt have the emotional abuse, the guilt, the fighting over money/how they raise the kids/the relationship with others, he does miss the kids. He went from living in his car and being confronted by opinionated busy bodies in public to a home, a comfortable community and the ability to make his own decisions.

I dont think theres ever truly a happy ending because you still have to live with what happened. Especially if there are kids involved and they dont understand. If i had followed my mothers beliefs i would still be in a dark place thinking my life will forever be ruined because of my father. Something i see happening with my partners kids. Instead i realize my parents werent right for each other and should have handled the split like mature adults. Not the vindictive jerks they were.

My partner and i work hard to keep our life and his past separate. Its not easy and he has had to speak to someone about letting go. But this is as close to a happy ending as we may ever get.
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Old 02-10-2015, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
I dont think theres ever truly a happy ending because you still have to live with what happened. Especially if there are kids involved and they dont understand. If i had followed my mothers beliefs i would still be in a dark place thinking my life will forever be ruined because of my father. Something i see happening with my partners kids. Instead i realize my parents werent right for each other and should have handled the split like mature adults. Not the vindictive jerks they were.
I think you've landed on a very important concept.

If you persist in the belief that the ex ruined your future forever, then your ending will never be happy.

If you can reframe your belief into realizing that while the ex ruined part of your past, you are now writing your own future, then your ending can be happy. It's up to you. Needing counselling to come to that conlusion is nothing to be ashamed of.
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Old 02-10-2015, 03:15 PM
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I think "happy endings" by definition change over the period of post separation and settling your affairs.

When my daughter first moved home her definition of a happy endings was vastly different from what it is today.
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