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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 12-18-2013, 03:23 PM
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Sorry this was in reference to your new partner.

Your partner's ex works right?
Yes, she got a job during their divorce proceedings and I think she earns somewhere in the 75-85k range plus whatever she earns in overtime. He pays her around $4k a month in SS....plus she got a extremely sizeable split from their equalization so I'm assuming she has investment income from that.
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Old 12-18-2013, 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I assume you mean my new partner? I have a limited point of view since I only have his side of the story but it sounds like she was a bit of a tyrant with nagging, criticizing, she spent a lot of money (10-13k in CC bills each month) and they were very emotionally distant. He tried years of counselling...moved out twice and finally when he realized it wasn't going to change, he requested a divorce. He would have never cheated on her, he's not that type of guy. In fact, today...I wouldn't say they're friends but they're cordial and we can attend events all together and enjoying talking to each other.

She's a nurse but stayed home to raise their children and he thinks she deserves SS for her contributions to their home and children. From what he explained to me, he mediated a higher sum than she would have gotten going to court because he considered it fair and wanted their children to know that he was doing the right thing.



My specific agreement isn't done because my ex won't willingly disclose. From what I know, he should have lots of money. But I have no idea exactly how much he earns (he won't turn over a paycheck), how much he has left, or what he did with the hundreds of thousands of dollars missing from our investment accounts. I do know that he seems to spend money well. He lives in a large 4-5 bedroom house in a very nice part of town.



I assume my new partner is happy for a number of reasons including: 1) Money isn't an issue for him. He isn't a financially extravagant guy. I buy him more stuff than he buys for himself. Plus, his SS is far cheaper than the credit card bills his ex used to rack up monthly. 2) He's in an emotionally stable relationship and we enjoy each other's company and 3) He's got happy, great kids.

I don't think he sees it as supporting her lifestyle. From what he's explained, he sees the SS as payment for what her career suffered while she was raising their kids and taking care of the household. He was able to get another a 2nd degree, pursue a business, excel at his career and will be able to retire early due to her contributions. She didn't get any of those opportunities.

Again Links...not everyone thinks like you.
I've noticed that... Me paying 100% of the mortgage and CS along with all the other bills on my own I'm ahead in regards to the money she used to waste on crap. I now have investments, no revolving debt, an increasing RRSP and I'm able to travel. In my marriage I was up to my eyeballs in revolving debt, overdraft, and barely made ends meet.
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 12-18-2013, 06:39 PM
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He pays her 4k/month spousal +cs on top of cs?and

He must be clearing +10k/month? No wonder he doesn't care.

If he was earning 4k/month and paying her 2.5k/mon, I guarantee he wouldn't feel the same way the fact she started working during the divorced proceedings says a lot about his ex's character. She could have lived off him for years.

Don't compare me as a guy starting a pro career with an ex who refuses to work to a guy established and has enough money to pay the bills at the end of the mo and a stay at home ex who go to work before they were even divorced. He is lucky cuz his ex wasn't a sponge but if she wanted to she could probably have lived off him completely for 75% of the marriage.
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Old 12-18-2013, 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
I've noticed that... Me paying 100% of the mortgage and CS along with all the other bills on my own I'm ahead in regards to the money she used to waste on crap. I now have investments, no revolving debt, an increasing RRSP and I'm able to travel. In my marriage I was up to my eyeballs in revolving debt, overdraft, and barely made ends meet.

^^ ditto. I'm amazed by how much money I'm not spending now that I don't have the ex's habits to subsidize. I'm not living in luxury (was recently asked by a friend "when are you going to stop living like a graduate student and get some decent furniture?"), but I'm comfortable with my quality of life, I have no debt and am saving a nice amount every month, despite 50/50 custody and offset CS. And my living space isn't filled up with crap.
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Old 12-19-2013, 10:20 AM
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^^ ditto. I'm amazed by how much money I'm not spending now that I don't have the ex's habits to subsidize. I'm not living in luxury (was recently asked by a friend "when are you going to stop living like a graduate student and get some decent furniture?"), but I'm comfortable with my quality of life, I have no debt and am saving a nice amount every month, despite 50/50 custody and offset CS. And my living space isn't filled up with crap.
OMG the crap....My house is in a little bit of disarray right now because of reno's but the 50+ garbage bags I threw out last May was simply refreshing...

For those who forget here it is

  #26 (permalink)  
Old 12-19-2013, 11:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
...I'm amazed by how much money I'm not spending now that I don't have the ex's habits to subsidize. I'm not living in luxury (was recently asked by a friend "when are you going to stop living like a graduate student and get some decent furniture?"), but I'm comfortable with my quality of life, I have no debt and am saving a nice amount every month...
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
I've noticed that... Me paying 100% of the mortgage and CS along with all the other bills on my own I'm ahead in regards to the money she used to waste on crap...
These are likely "shared custody, offset child support stories". Probably a different situation for those payors who pay full table support, and I think that is where original poster is commenting from.
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 12-19-2013, 01:02 PM
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Don't compare me as a guy starting a pro career with an ex who refuses to work to a guy established and has enough money to pay the bills at the end of the mo and a stay at home ex who go to work before they were even divorced. He is lucky cuz his ex wasn't a sponge but if she wanted to she could probably have lived off him completely for 75% of the marriage.
My new partner isn't an athlete but he has a good career. He also lives very simply and termed the SS to an amount he considered fair to her career being impacted.

Believe me, I get your argument. Your ex should have to work at some level to support herself...its completely unfair that she has no obligation to do so. And I would also agree the table amounts may be too high and need adjustment so that the payor has a more reasonable amount of their earnings. Its not the world's fault that you were unsucessful or didn't try to impute an income to your ex though. That is an available option.

My point is just that you think all cases are like yours and that all payors think like you. You have an extremist mentality based on your own experience. There are some valid reasons for SS and some payors realize that and don't have an issue with paying.
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Old 12-19-2013, 03:17 PM
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While there are no doubt exceptions, I strongly suspect that the vast majority of those who PAY SS are NOT HAPPY about it and feel they are being legally extorted. Given their own call, I'm guessing even if they do feel SOME SS is warranted, if up to them it would be for much less money and for a lesser time.

Unless YOU are the one getting your hard earned income siphoned off each month by a partner who stomped out the door to find something better, I really don't think you'll fully undertand how incredibly frustrating to be robbed every month when all you did wrong was work hard and in hindsight marry the wrong partner.
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 12-19-2013, 04:04 PM
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He pays her 4k/month spousal +cs on top of cs?and

He must be clearing +10k/month? No wonder he doesn't care
By the way, my partner doesn't pay SS. Their youngest kid is 20. He just pays SS.

Quote:
Unless YOU are the one getting your hard earned income siphoned off each month by a partner who stomped out the door to find something better, I really don't think you'll fully undertand how incredibly frustrating to be robbed every month when all you did wrong was work hard and in hindsight marry the wrong partner.
In cases where one partner stayed home to raise children...its not just about marrying the wrong partner. Its about compensating a partner who had career damage during the marriage. And there's no doubt that a lot payors think the payment is too high and too long. I've never met anyone in a divorce case that thinks that the division of assets or payments were fair on either side.
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 12-19-2013, 06:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shellshocked22 View Post
While there are no doubt exceptions, I strongly suspect that the vast majority of those who PAY SS are NOT HAPPY about it and feel they are being legally extorted. Given their own call, I'm guessing even if they do feel SOME SS is warranted, if up to them it would be for much less money and for a lesser time.

Unless YOU are the one getting your hard earned income siphoned off each month by a partner who stomped out the door to find something better, I really don't think you'll fully undertand how incredibly frustrating to be robbed every month when all you did wrong was work hard and in hindsight marry the wrong partner.
I'm sure it is incredibly frustrating. But, you don't have to be paying SS to feel that way. I pay towards a huge legal bill put on my credit cards each month. Why? Because my ex is a jerk who can't tell the truth or make an agreement he'll stick to. I don't even get SS - but the wrong partner cost me thousands as well. Yes, I get CS, but even that doesn't cover my monthly debt payments from legal fees.
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