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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 12-21-2015, 07:43 PM
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I'll preface this by saying that compared with some of the issues others are dealing with, this is pretty trivial and I know I'm lucky in comparison. So this is a minor annoyance vent.

Ex brought Kid over to my place today to start my week. Kid arrived with big duffle bag full of clothes. These are all clothes which I've bought her and which have migrated over to his place over the last couple of years. Kid says "Dad says he doesn't want your things at his place so I have to bring it all back". I told Kid that in my opinion they were Kid's clothes, not mine, and I didn't need to get everything back. Kid said "Yes, I know you're cool with it, but Dad says he doesn't want it in his house". Kid says Dad and Stepmom went through all her clothes and took out all the things I had bought. Dad was (for him) reasonably pleasant and civil at the handover, and said nothing about why Kid had a huge bag.

So now I'm wondering - what kind of person keeps track of who bought which t-shirt or pair of socks from years ago? And who sends all this stuff back because "he doesn't want it in his house"?

The answer is: a weird and unpredictable passive-aggressive control-freak person. And there are so many reasons why I am glad I am divorced.
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Old 12-21-2015, 07:55 PM
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That's strange. Perhaps turn this into something positive. Have your ex select which things she wants and the two of you take the rest somewhere and donate it to charity?

Then Dad can buy daughter some new things to replace old stuff. Make a list as you are disposing. Your daughter can give the shopping list to Dad.
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Old 12-21-2015, 08:15 PM
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LOL Arabian, my entire philosophy about dealing with Dad is to interact with him as little as possible, because you never know when the crazy keyboard warrior is going to emerge and throw a fit. I can just imagine what would happen if I sent him a list of track pants, t-shirts, sweaters ...
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Old 12-21-2015, 08:17 PM
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Nope you don't do it. You have nothing to do with it. Your daughter does it. She tells him proudly how she donated all the things to needy people.... in the spirit of Christmas. Then tells him that she needs some new things (Christmas list).
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Old 12-21-2015, 09:34 PM
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Most parents complain that the clothes they buy don't come back. I wouldn't make a big deal of it. He obviously is buying the kid clothes for her while at his place so I don't agree with giving him a shopping list to replace the clothes that you bought her that he returned. Those are the kids clothes yes but ones that you bought so you should be responsible to replace them if you donate them to charity. He didn't dispose of the clothes, he just sent them back to your place.
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Old 12-21-2015, 10:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
So now I'm wondering - what kind of person keeps track of who bought which t-shirt or pair of socks from years ago? And who sends all this stuff back because "he doesn't want it in his house"?

The answer is: a weird and unpredictable passive-aggressive control-freak person. And there are so many reasons why I am glad I am divorced.
This is funny, because I'm the kind of person who keeps track. I just have a good memory, and it's pretty rare my ex ever buys the kids anything, so it's hard to forget. And yes, I tend to return those things to the ex to have at his house because I like to keep my house an ex-free zone. And things I bought the kids do vanish over there sometimes, and are not at my house when the kids want them, so I kind of wish he'd do regular purges and returns.

I'm not sure if that makes me weird, unpredictable, passive aggressive or control freak. Probably?
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Old 12-22-2015, 12:33 AM
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Mountains out of mole hills.

Don't sweat the small stuff, and it is all small stuff.
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Old 12-22-2015, 12:45 AM
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Just to be clear, the shopping list comment was Arabian's joke - I am definitely not going to give him a list of any kind, or encourage Kid to do so. We did sort through the bag of clothes to find the ones that were too small and set them aside to donate.

My view is that Kid's clothes (and books, stuffies, etc) belong to her, regardless of who bought them, and if she wants to have them at one house or another, that's fine with me. I should also note that I buy the great majority of Kid's clothes - I'm not sure Ex knows her shoe size - and it doesn't bother me that many of them wind up in permanent residence at his place. If he and Stepmom decide that their house must be free of anything associated with me and send Kid back with a big duffel bag - well, not my circus, not my monkeys. Which is a roundabout way of saying, I know it's a molehill, so not sweating it, other than complaining anonymously on the internet.
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Old 12-22-2015, 07:31 AM
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We do the same as Rioe... even though I guess mom is technically supposed to provide clothes for the kids, she never has. We have our own wardrobe for them and 99% of the time, what they come in is what they go home in. It's just easier that way. It prevents the 'well I bought kid that $100 sweater and she brought it to your place'

Yes they are the kids clothes, but at the same time, we sometimes buy certain items that are for special occasions or dress shirts for a nice dinner out. We want to make sure we have those items when required. I am sure their mom is the same.

My step son gets a lot of used clothes from my youngest brother. They are only 3 years apart and currently my brother is growing like a weed. When we get bags of clothing from him, we often split it and keep some and send some home. Sometimes mom wants it, other times she doesn't.
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Old 12-22-2015, 09:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
Just to be clear, the shopping list comment was Arabian's joke - I am definitely not going to give him a list of any kind, or encourage Kid to do so. We did sort through the bag of clothes to find the ones that were too small and set them aside to donate.

My view is that Kid's clothes (and books, stuffies, etc) belong to her, regardless of who bought them, and if she wants to have them at one house or another, that's fine with me. I should also note that I buy the great majority of Kid's clothes - I'm not sure Ex knows her shoe size - and it doesn't bother me that many of them wind up in permanent residence at his place. If he and Stepmom decide that their house must be free of anything associated with me and send Kid back with a big duffel bag - well, not my circus, not my monkeys. Which is a roundabout way of saying, I know it's a molehill, so not sweating it, other than complaining anonymously on the internet.
There could be a variety of reasons kid came home with bag of stuff. One is that Stepmom or father simply cleaned up the laundry room.... Instead of throwing things out they might have simply felt that the proper thing would be to return everything to you for your determination over what should stay and what should go. If this was the case, a simple note would have been appropriate. Sounds like your daughter has oodles of clothes (lucky gal).

My adult son (who lives with me) has alot of crap/souvenirs. (I don't know where he gets his hoarding tendencies). I have to resist the urge to toss everything out and I do this by simply not looking in his closet.
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