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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 10-19-2013, 12:09 AM
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Default Anger turns to despair

So today, my best friends wife (who is separated), tells me that my best friend and my wife are having an affair. I was just getting over her, moving on as it were, and now I am back to below ground zero.

I guess this will help me get over the love of my life, but how can I allow my child to be raised 50/50 with her:him? I should be on Springer.

Quit my job of ten years to save marriage, wife asks for divorce day after grad from med school, get job back to ensure stability (at a 30% reduction), only to find out wife was messing around with my best friend.

Fail.
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Old 10-19-2013, 02:12 AM
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Just to clarify, the best friend is separated, and you and your ex are separated, so how is it they are having an "affair?"

You are really still deep in this. I understand the need to vent, but I seriously suggest that the internet isn't the place to find healing. You should be dealing with this in a therapist's office.
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freeryder View Post
So today, my best friends wife (who is separated), tells me that my best friend and my wife are having an affair. I was just getting over her, moving on as it were, and now I am back to below ground zero.

I guess this will help me get over the love of my life, but how can I allow my child to be raised 50/50 with her:him? I should be on Springer.

Quit my job of ten years to save marriage, wife asks for divorce day after grad from med school, get job back to ensure stability (at a 30% reduction), only to find out wife was messing around with my best friend.

Fail.
Its her child also. Eventually you will move on and find someone else. How would you like it if your ex says she doesn't want to allow you to raise the child 50/50 due to your new partner?

I agree with mess, there is no affair, you guys are no longer together so no sense in trying to dirty it all up. I would not consider this guy a best friend at anytime as best friends don't do this type of stuff, if it started when you were still together and working on marriage.
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Old 10-19-2013, 11:12 AM
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There is a vast difference between watching a child being raised by a decent step-parent who came along later, and one being raised by the betraying jerk who had a big part in the relationship breakdown.

You helped ruin my life, stole my spouse, and now I am supposed to share my child with you on top of that? It's damn hard.

The proverbial "they" tell me that rebound/affair relationships usually fail, that whatever substitute the person was seeking away from the marriage doesn't make the new relationship 'better' but only 'different' from what they were dissatisfied with.

Your ex-wife and your friend both suck at being respectful adults, but hopefully they are good parents to your child until their breakup. All you can do is guide your child to grow up honest and considerate no matter what subconscious lessons they receive at the other home.

And yes, therapy for this anger/despair issue will be a big help to you to keep your focus on getting through the divorce process. It's not the main focus of this forum, and therapy is a lot cheaper than blubbering to your lawyer every time you have an appointment. Many will act like they're listening and even encourage your venting, racking up the bill, but they certainly can't offer you any useful counselling. See your family doctor about a referral.

The failure is not on your part. Your ex-wife and your ex-friend are the failures here.
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Old 10-19-2013, 11:31 AM
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I think the OP needs to clarify if the ex spouse and best friend started it before or after the relationship breakdown.
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Old 10-19-2013, 11:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
I think the OP needs to clarify if the ex spouse and best friend started it before or after the relationship breakdown.
I think that timing makes little difference to his emotional state, and he's not likely to get proof one way or the other. The main issue is that his ex-best-friend is with his ex-wife, instead of being the solid supportive best friend a man needs after his marriage collapses. Worst possible way to lose the two closest people in your life.
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Old 10-19-2013, 11:57 AM
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I think it makes little difference no matter what. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. If you aren't happy with a situation that is out of your control like this, the first place to look is the mirror.
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Old 10-19-2013, 01:34 PM
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I empathize with you. It is one thing for your stbx/ex/gf/bf to have an affair but it is abhorrent when it is with someone you know. How awful for you.

One word comes to mind - sleazy.

While they obviously deserve each other, it must be hard on you because of the children.

Once you get over the humiliation and shock of the whole sordid mess you will strangely be in a better place than had the affair not happened. I believe that the utter breach of trust will prevent you from EVER contemplating getting back together with your ex. Someday you will reflect that while it was painful it was a very good thing.

Hang in there.
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Old 10-19-2013, 03:33 PM
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Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Just keep swimming"
-Dory (Finding Nemo)
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Old 10-19-2013, 04:47 PM
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The spouse and the best friend - it's a cliche, but it's also a huge shock when it happens. Give yourself some time to ride the waves of hurt, anger, sadness and loneliness (though as other posters say, try not to let this bleed into the legal process). Eventually you'll absorb the blow and continue on with your life. You're well rid of both of them. You didn't fail - they did.
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