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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 01-15-2006, 02:06 AM
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Question Am I being greedy or just doing what I have to?

I'm looking for a starting point and some advice ... and perhaps I also want to vent a little, so please bare with me.
I have been living separately from my husband for a year, but still can't accept that he is with a girl he started dating while we were married! It's become an obsession despite my being aware of how futile and counterproductive it is. Neither of us have made any effort toward making our separation/divorce legal. Him, never one to take the initiative, me, not wanting to cut the final thread. Lately, I'm getting more and more bitter about him wining and dining her, while I live in a meager apartment and eat out of the pot by the sink.
We had no kids, and we enjoyed quite a few luxuries when we were together. I've always wanted very much to have children, and now I'm afraid the biological clock will expire before I ever do. I really feel as though he's stolen my life. After reading some of the forums, I see there are many people in much worse situations than mine - I wish them all the strength in the world to move past their anguish and find happiness very soon.
My emotions are more selfishly driven. I feel an anger that drives me to want to hurt him in the only place I know he'll feel it. The wallet. How much do I have a right to ask for? How relevent is it that he cheated on me? What are the ramifications of waiting so long before filing any paperwork? I don't want to spend a lot of money (that I don't have) on lawyers, but I don't want to walk away without being financially "taken care of". He turned his back on our vows. I made a promise for life - a life that contained a devoted husband and a few luxuries. Is it fair that he walk away with a young girlfriend who is now benefitting from his inflated income? I go through stages of bitter resentment, mixed with utter despair. I want my life back. But if I can't have it, he certainly shouldn't be able to cast me aside so callously. Am I being unreasonable?
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Old 01-15-2006, 12:19 PM
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lostinlove,

I think its normal to feel the way you do. Separation and Divorce is difficult on oneself.

I am not sure where you are located, but in Ontario since you were married to this individual you would be entitled to 50% of the assets the accumulated throughout the marriage and also 50% of all the liabilities accumulated throughout same.

You may be entitled to spousal support, if you have NEED and he has MEANS.

The courts would consider each spouses role throughout the relationship and length of the relationship. It is quite possible that they may equalize the incomes between you and your ex.

Company Pensions value and RSP's are shared equally.

You could request also a share of his CPP credits that were earned during the relationship and vice versa he could ask for a share of yours.

I would take an hour and discuss your specific facts with a lawyer such as Jeff and know exactly where you stand,

It might be worthwhile pursuing spousal support from this individual.
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Old 01-15-2006, 12:48 PM
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Default Thank you

First of all, thank you. This is exactly the type of preliminary advise I was searching for. Who is Jeff? I've heard lawyers are costly and can deplete your funds more than it's worth. Can I speak to one just for advise? At this point my spouse and I skirt the issue. I don't know how willing or unwilling he will be. What paperwork should I have available?
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Old 01-15-2006, 03:59 PM
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Default Logical

Quote:
Originally Posted by logicalvelocity
lostinlove,

I think its normal to feel the way you do. Separation and Divorce is difficult on oneself.

I am not sure where you are located, but in Ontario since you were married to this individual you would be entitled to 50% of the assets the accumulated throughout the marriage and also 50% of all the liabilities accumulated throughout same.

You may be entitled to spousal support, if you have NEED and he has MEANS.

The courts would consider each spouses role throughout the relationship and length of the relationship. It is quite possible that they may equalize the incomes between you and your ex.

Company Pensions value and RSP's are shared equally.
You could request also a share of his CPP credits that were earned during the relationship and vice versa he could ask for a share of yours.

I would take an hour and discuss your specific facts with a lawyer such as Jeff and know exactly where you stand,

It might be worthwhile pursuing spousal support from this individual.
Wth all due respect, I don't think this statement is accurate...it is hardly that simple,in my opinion
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Old 01-15-2006, 08:07 PM
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Lostinlove,

Separation & divorce is one of the most stressful events in ones life. It is like mourning the death of a loved one. You should consider seeking councelling to help deal with your emotions. If your in Ontario it is "No Fault" divorce so no matter how unfair he has treated you, your assets and debts will be divided equally.

Spousal support would depend on the length of your marriage and the differences in your salaries. Legal fees are very expensive and you would have to way the costs of litigation with what you may end up with. Speaking with a family law lawyer and doing as much research on your own, would be your first step. Litigating can be both financially and emotionally draining.

Jeff is a lawyer, who runs Ottawa Divorce, click on the "About Us" button at the top of the screen to learn about his services. He has a very informative site, where a lot of your questions can be answered.

Keep posting,
Grace
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Old 01-15-2006, 11:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bearall
Wth all due respect, I don't think this statement is accurate...it is hardly that simple,in my opinion
Bearall,

Yes you are correct. It is a vague statement. It should be elaborated further.

Company Pensions value and RSP's generated or earned during the marriage are shared equally.

These are considered assets of the marriage and are subject to equal division between the parties.

There is a few methods available to appraise the value one's pension. The parties would have to be in agreement on what method to use before the company pension value could be divided.
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Old 01-15-2006, 11:40 PM
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Thanks logical...that is clearer !
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Old 01-16-2006, 05:14 AM
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Lightbulb Hope u find this helpful!

Lostinlove,

Hi there! I am assuming u r from Ontario and got married here and have been residing here since the past year at least? I am asking u this cause i have answered the following keeping that in mind. Thus, making u applicable 2 seek a divorce in Ontario. I have been done some research/reading on the web concerning Ontario divorce laws. And from my understanding spousal support depends on different variables concerning your marriage as well as it is based on the time u lived together. What it is basically considered on is how many years u were married for? And what is your age, health, and financial/employment status at the moment and down the road 2 be able 2 provide for yourself or not..thus requiring compensation/support from your spouse.

Another point 2 be noted is that, regardless of whatever the length of your marriage, u r entitled 2 have an equal share of the matrimonial home, regardless of whose name the ownership of the house is in! And u both have an equal right 2 stay in the matrimonial home as well. Another point 2 be noted is that unless there is domestic violence, its best not to leave the matrimonial home without consulting a lawyer. It is up 2 the judge 2 decide who is more applicable 2 stay in the matrimonial house unless u can have an agreement on that matter among other matters with your spouse. U could possibly also get a share from the net family property.

Ideally, you should have lawyers draft your separation agreement. If both spouses work with one lawyer to draft the separation agreement, once it is finalized, one of you should take the separation agreement to a separate lawyer for independent legal advice. If there are issues that you are having a hard time coming to an agreement about, you should consider using a mediator. A mediator can help you come to an agreement on all of the issues and even draft the separation agreement for you. He or she would then direct each of you to get independent legal advice prior to executing the agreement. Of course, you can always decide to draft your own agreement. In Ontario, your must have a witness such as a lawyer, court clerk/judge, commissioner sign when you and your spouse execute the separation agreement to have your separation agreement enforceable by the courts.

Once that is done, u can present that 2 the judge with your other case applications depending on whether u end up r having a contested or uncontested divorce. It is highly recommended if possible 2 have an uncontested divorce, which u can only have when the 2 parties have been able 2 come 2 an agreement about the issues involved.

Check out the following links for spousal support laws and property divorce laws 2 gain a better understanding on the matter and how that works. Also, check out the difference between contested and uncontested divorce and what is the law and procedure behind it. And possibly look for a lawyer 2 retain for those services. I am also sending u with the link 2 Ontario lawyers that i got from my online search. From looking over the website ottawadivorce.com, Jeff seems like a good candidate!

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/propertydivision.htm

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/exclusive-possession.htm

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/spousal-support-menu.htm

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/directo...vorce_Lawyers/


Good luck! And hope u found the above info helpful.

In-Law Trouble
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Old 01-16-2006, 05:40 AM
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Lightbulb One more thing i forgot 2 mention!

Lostinlove,

Hi, it's me again. One more thing i forgot 2 mention from what i have heard so far, is that contested divorces end up being pretty long, stressful and expensive and can even end up costing up to $30,000 and more depending on your particular case and the issues involved and if u end up having a trial in the court, since u were unsuccessful with sorting out your issues on your own. And lawyers r involved 2 represent u back and forth, 2 speak on your behalf 2 your spouse. As well, representing u in trial if it comes 2 that. Thus, raking up BIG fees in the process over your fight! Make sure u hire an attorney that is capable 2 meet your services of a contested divorce if it comes 2 it!

Thus, it is recommended that u try 2 work with your spouse in a amicable manner 2 be able 2 come 2 an agreement about your differentiating issues and put it on paper in the form of a legally binding separation agreement, which is very hard 2 change later on once it is complete and signed. So, make sure u get 2 read the terms on the final copy/print well with your lawyer before u sign on it!

In-Law Trouble
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2006, 06:07 AM
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Exclamation more links!

Lostinlove,

Here is another good link for Ontario Divorce Property Division that discusses it in detail, http://www.a1-ontario-divorce.com/propertydivision.htm

Aswell as one for Spousal Support, http://www.a1-ontario-divorce.com/spousalsupport.htm

And another for Divorce Procedure, discussing Separation Agreement, aswell as Divorce Mediation, http://www.a1-ontario-divorce.com/procedure.htm

In-Law Trouble
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