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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 06-10-2012, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Use the time apart to fully assesses what you want and what is best for your child in the long-term. It is wonderful that you have your parents to help support you and your child. A domestic violence charge is very serious. Beware of him playing with your emotions so you try to have the charge dropped. Step back from everything and let him deal with what he has to deal with.

I was married to someone for 30 yrs who's family never accepted/liked me. After my divorce these people have taken their dislike out on my son. He is now a grown man with no relatives. I would encourage you to get your future on track with your studies. You are very young and very well may meet someone else some day who has a decent family who will welcome you with open arms into their lives. Look forward - don't look back. He's not worthy of you.
Hi arabian,

This is what I was nervous about 'beware of him playing with your emotions so you try to have the charges dropped'. I am still going to speak to the crown and tell the crown the truth however it will be coming from the horses mouth directly, and whether or not the crown wants to pursue the matter will be up to the crown -they are the ones who called to set up a meeting to speak. The police officer will also be present at the time.

I suppose time will tell if he meant what he was saying about wanting to be a family again and being filled with regret, wanting to make amends.

Its hard because its a whirlwind of emotions, on one hand I want what he is saying to be true. Our daughter is only 1, we have a lot of time to grow independently as well as together, for the better.
However, if what he was saying was simply 'sweet talk' then I am setting myself up for disappoint in the future by holding onto 'hope'

Thank you.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 06-10-2012, 03:41 PM
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I'm sorry I disagree with you over here. Calling someone names to their face is in no way commendable. My family does not call him names to me. They simply tell me where they feel he has been in the wrong, as well as tell me where I have been in the wrong. Calling someone a b!tch, or saying hurtful things to their face which are based on ONE side, is not in any way more 'honest'. I am actually LIVING with my family now, so in respect yet I do need to let them know what is going on with the court proceedings. They give me their thoughts and opinions but never chastise me if I go about it in an opposite manner -my way. They tell me to make wise decisions as it is MY life.

If you look at the reply I have wrote to 'mess' you will see why it is not so easy to simply talk to him about everything.

Thank you
I never said it was a good thing to be disrespectful but you did say that your family doesnt do it to his face, that is not respectful either.

Doesnt matter if you are living with your family or not, you dont have to tell them what is happening. You need to decide if you want to try therapy with him. If he is willing and you are also willing then make an appointment and see if you guys can work it out.

You say the DV thing got way out of hand and you want the police to hear what happened straight from your mouth. How did that get out of hand? Did the police not interview you?

You need to talk to him, point out what you need from him to reconcile and ask him what he needs from you. Tell him the stuff you are telling us but maybe put it in a letter so emotions dont get out of control. You each have to be willing to bend and work with one another. If you really want to there is always a way. Just remember he isnt perfect and neither are you but at one time you both had strong feelings for one another. Will it be easy, no. Will it be worth it, only the two of you can decide.
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Old 06-10-2012, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
I never said it was a good thing to be disrespectful but you did say that your family doesnt do it to his face, that is not respectful either.

Doesnt matter if you are living with your family or not, you dont have to tell them what is happening. You need to decide if you want to try therapy with him. If he is willing and you are also willing then make an appointment and see if you guys can work it out.

You say the DV thing got way out of hand and you want the police to hear what happened straight from your mouth. How did that get out of hand? Did the police not interview you?

You need to talk to him, point out what you need from him to reconcile and ask him what he needs from you. Tell him the stuff you are telling us but maybe put it in a letter so emotions dont get out of control. You each have to be willing to bend and work with one another. If you really want to there is always a way. Just remember he isnt perfect and neither are you but at one time you both had strong feelings for one another. Will it be easy, no. Will it be worth it, only the two of you can decide.
Again, we currently cannot speak indirectly or directly as per bail conditions. It is a very frustrating time for both of us I believe.

I know that I have kinks which need to be worked out in order to better myself as a person, for him and to be a better role model for my daughter. I am thankful she is only 1 and I have time to do this before she will fully understand everything.

I am willing to go to marriage counselling if it means we will be able to communicate our issues to one another.

I will see what can happen in regards to these bail conditions once I speak to the crown tomorrow. I will explain that it is interfering in any type of betterment and hindering any thought of reconciliation at all.

Again, I am hoping that he was not "sweet talking" me. However, I can do nothing but wait and see.
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 06-10-2012, 03:52 PM
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nyqa - The love and support of your family will envelope you and you will find happiness. If/when the father of your child grows up and learns how to manage his emotions you might be able to get along well enough to jointly raise the daughter in harmony. That would be a good thing. You've probably read lots of posts here and can see that "tigers don't change their spots."

You're young and the world is your oyster!!!! Surround yourself and your child around positive, well-adjusted, happy people. Leave the ugliness behind. If your ex respected you he wouldn't let his family talk to you the way they do. That's terrible!! Stay away from them - they won't change.
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Old 06-10-2012, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
nyqa - The love and support of your family will envelope you and you will find happiness. If/when the father of your child grows up and learns how to manage his emotions you might be able to get along well enough to jointly raise the daughter in harmony. That would be a good thing. You've probably read lots of posts here and can see that "tigers don't change their spots."

You're young and the world is your oyster!!!! Surround yourself and your child around positive, well-adjusted, happy people. Leave the ugliness behind. If your ex respected you he wouldn't let his family talk to you the way they do. That's terrible!! Stay away from them - they won't change.
Arabian,

You don't believe it is worth a shot to give our family a chance at reconciliation working through counselling together?
I mean I am willing, it is up to him if he is also willing. I will not force him, I will leave it where he knows that I am open to it.
I feel as if we should give counselling a chance. I would feel regretful if I didn't voice it as an option.
I would prefer to exhaust all avenues before calling it quits for good and moving on.
I want to do any and everything to ensure I did my best in order to have the traditional family for my daughter.
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:04 PM
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I believe it is certainly worth more than just a shot at trying to keep your traditional family together.

Listen to your inner voice and hopefully you will find peace and happiness.

Good luck!
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:11 PM
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When people are together, they sometimes bring out the worst in each other. When they are apart for awhile, they return to being the people they were before. Often we then look at our ex's and see the things we were attracted to in the first place. We give it another shot, and again we bring out the worst in each other.

What I said earlier was based on both of you taking responsibility and growing and changing. You seem to be taking your share, but is your ex? Is he willing to put the effort into himself? Is he willing to let go of the habits and exectations he had before? It has to be both of you or it doesn't work.
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Mess View Post
When people are together, they sometimes bring out the worst in each other. When they are apart for awhile, they return to being the people they were before. Often we then look at our ex's and see the things we were attracted to in the first place. We give it another shot, and again we bring out the worst in each other.

What I said earlier was based on both of you taking responsibility and growing and changing. You seem to be taking your share, but is your ex? Is he willing to put the effort into himself? Is he willing to let go of the habits and exectations he had before? It has to be both of you or it doesn't work.
Again, I believe he sounded sincere however the only way to find out is to set one another free. I don't want to force him to try, I don't want to force him into anything. I would rather all the courts/lawyers and drama go away and to see from there what happens.

I will definitely voice that I am open to solving our issues via counselling, in order to aim for reconciliation and leave it at that. If he wants the same thing as he had said, then I mean, there would be nothing stopping him. It would be up to him to start making some changes and to follow through with what he was saying.

It is tricky because he lives about 1.5 hours away from me. However where there is a will there is a way.

I do hope he wants to give our daughter a traditional family as well. I do hope he pulls through.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 06-10-2012, 06:08 PM
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sounds like you have decided what you want to do. I really hope that he proves to you that he wants the same.

good luck to you!
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 06-11-2012, 01:01 AM
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Basically, in a nutshell, lawyers, courts and such are involved in arranging access to our daughter. Reason being, HE went this route to apply for sole, because I told him overnights at his place would need to be a gradual transition. He did not like that, she was 9 months old at the time, he thought it was all about control with me.
Pump milk and provide it to him. This is done all the time and the courts have ordered it. Don't count on the child's age and anything silly like that to not allow a parent to care for their child.

Unless he is a true danger to the child, your resistance to involve him can and will be used against you in court.

I know fathers who have gotten 50-50 of children that age before the court. Be very careful on what you do and the restrictions you put on everything.

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Originally Posted by nyqa View Post
First and foremost I want to take the utmost advantage of being back in Toronto and completing my degree while I have the support of my family. I then want to find a job that has an option of working abroad.
Did you move with consent? Furthermore, taking the child out of the country is going to be even more difficult now. The child has a right to equal access and custody from both parents. You may find your dreams and wishes fall a far second to the needs of your child.

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Originally Posted by nyqa View Post
The second is a lot more daunting -fear of the unknown. How do I overcome this? The loneliness and not being able to share information/experiences about our daughter with him is saddening. I also would like for her to see us together and feel the love from both parents. It's a confusing time, if he claims to love me still, that it became overwhelming for him and ran, should I take this for what it is and move on despite the want for reconciliation?
"fear of the unknown" - This is a common fear many people have. Better referenced as an "anxiety". You are best to talk to a registered psychologist/psychiatrist about the "fears" you are experiencing. They can cause more challenges than be helpful for you at this time.

Fear Of The Unknown. How To Get Rid Of Fear Of The Unknown

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear

It is a common mental health condition and there are many great ways to deal with the "fear" (anxiety) you are experiencing but, the best person to guide you through treatment is a registered physician in mental health. Talk to your family doctor about it and get a referral.

Good Luck!
Tayken

gah.[/QUOTE]
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