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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 06-10-2012, 11:34 AM
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Default Advice/Help Please

Hi,

I'm recently separated at 25 years old, with a 1 year old daughter. We had only been together for 2 years. I now live in Toronto as I had to relocate to my parents place and he lives a 1.5 drive away from us.

I am currently finishing up my degree and do not work, as yet .

Basically, in a nutshell, lawyers, courts and such are involved in arranging access to our daughter. Reason being, HE went this route to apply for sole, because I told him overnights at his place would need to be a gradual transition. He did not like that, she was 9 months old at the time, he thought it was all about control with me.

We hadn't spoken since the beginning of March until last week where he came to visit me and told me that ultimately he hopes for the three of us to end up together, as a family and continue along that path. However that it has been too much of a tumultuous past couple of months and that we both need to time to heal, grow and learn from it, because we will be hurting for the next little while.

While I agree that we definitely both need time to heal and grow independently, I'm not sure how to take his comment of ultimately his goal is for all of us to be a family again. Actions most definitely speak louder than words.

How should I proceed moving forward? It's simply emotionally overwhelming. First and foremost I want to take the utmost advantage of being back in Toronto and completing my degree while I have the support of my family. I then want to find a job that has an option of working abroad.

I understand I should take this time as an opportunity to focus on solely myself and my daughter. However I almost feel like I am in limbo with him. Do I believe him and continue along my path in hopes we reconcile, or do I take his words with a grain of salt and move along on my path without the hope of reconciliation.

The second is a lot more daunting -fear of the unknown. How do I overcome this? The loneliness and not being able to share information/experiences about our daughter with him is saddening. I also would like for her to see us together and feel the love from both parents. It's a confusing time, if he claims to love me still, that it became overwhelming for him and ran, should I take this for what it is and move on despite the want for reconciliation?

gah.
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Old 06-10-2012, 11:39 AM
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first you have to decide if you want to reconcile with him. If you do then you both need to go to seek therapy together to help you along this path. You say actions speak louder then words but you need to give him a chance to prove himself. He has already said that he got scared and thats why he left, shitty thing to do but he admits it.

If you dont work with him then get use to the idea of the court deciding he gets 50/50 custody. You say you want a job that has the possibilty of working abroad. Better get over that idea pretty quick, if he is an involved father you cant take his child away from him and he may gain sole custody.

Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 06-10-2012 at 11:42 AM.
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Old 06-10-2012, 03:45 PM
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Hi, thank you so much for not reading and leaving, but for taking the time to reply.

I am of course, up for reconciliation, however there is SO much drama, negativity and hostility between us and between our 2 families at the moment.

His family and friends have called me names, think the worst of me and have no respect whatsoever for me.
He has done nothing to help this situation, instead acts as the victim within the situation.
HOW do I look past this in order to reconcile? Is this something that when the time comes I bring up and have him rectify?

The problem was both of us 50/50, however the only difference is my family and friends no one, spoke ill of him to him, no one disrespected him or his family.

I feel like I will have no self-respect if I go back to that situation if issues aren't corrected. Things will truly not be able to go back to normal 100% because our families will always carry some negativity about one another for quite some time.
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Old 06-10-2012, 03:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nyqa View Post
Hi, thank you so much for not reading and leaving, but for taking the time to reply.

I am of course, up for reconciliation, however there is SO much drama, negativity and hostility between us and between our 2 families at the moment.

His family and friends have called me names, think the worst of me and have no respect whatsoever for me.
He has done nothing to help this situation, instead acts as the victim within the situation.
HOW do I look past this in order to reconcile? Is this something that when the time comes I bring up and have him rectify?

The problem was both of us 50/50, however the only difference is my family and friends no one, spoke ill of him to him, no one disrespected him or his family.

I feel like I will have no self-respect if I go back to that situation if issues aren't corrected. Things will truly not be able to go back to normal 100% because our families will always carry some negativity about one another for quite some time.
I am sure that your family and friends have said stuff about him, you probably just have not heard it. Its only natural for family to stick up for family. He acts like the victim probably because he doesnt want to piss his family off.

You and him have to understand that yes its nice to have extended family but they also have to respect your choices in partners. His family doesnt have to like you or your family nor does yours have to like him or his. He has to learn to say to his family "this is my life and the person i choose to spend it with, if you cant accept that then maybe you (anyone in his family) have no place in my life"

Why does his family not like you or your family??
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:04 PM
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The thing with resolving conflict is that too often it becomes fingerpointing and blaming. Resolving a conflict isn't about identifying the bad guy. It's about both people becoming good guys in each other's eyes.

You both have to forgive each other, and you both have to admit that there is something for each of you to be forgiven for. You both have to move forward and change, because if a person doesn't change, then their bahaviour isn't going to change and their life won't change either.

Changing means you have to give each other space to grow and permission to be different. We can't just expect a person to be exactly what we want, what we think they shoud be. They are going to grow into their own person, and we have to respect that. That kind of loving respect give the space to change and feel safe with our partners.

Family can be the worst, they get a fixed idea in their heads about who we are, and then never want to let us become different people, or being shocked if they notice we are different. With partners it can be the same.
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:06 PM
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I mean to our faces. My family and friends have never disrespected him to his face, on the phone or anything of the sort.
Whereas his family/friends have.

Yes there is a huge difference amongst the families, I tell my family the whole story, even if I know they will be upset at my actions/words. However, I tell them so that they give me an honest answer and tell me when and where I was in the wrong. They have taken his side on multiple occasions as they are all for what is right is right, what is wrong is wrong. They have and will never take my side solely for the reason that I am their daughter.

The families right now don't like one another because of all the drama and pain that we are all experiencing. My family does not understand why they cannot show him his wrongdoings and set him on a path towards reconciliation. Instead they support his decisions, even if he is in the wrong and makes hasty ones.

His family does not like my family because I assume he has painted a picture where it seems as if he is the golden boy and the victim, where we are all out to get him. It's very frustrating.

I feel as if I should not need to spell these things out for him. That as a grown man who has a daughter, he should be able to see all this himself. He should make decisions on his own, without the influence of his family mainly because the influence is one sided because of the way he tells his stories.
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
The thing with resolving conflict is that too often it becomes fingerpointing and blaming. Resolving a conflict isn't about identifying the bad guy. It's about both people becoming good guys in each other's eyes.

You both have to forgive each other, and you both have to admit that there is something for each of you to be forgiven for. You both have to move forward and change, because if a person doesn't change, then their bahaviour isn't going to change and their life won't change either.

Changing means you have to give each other space to grow and permission to be different. We can't just expect a person to be exactly what we want, what we think they shoud be. They are going to grow into their own person, and we have to respect that. That kind of loving respect give the space to change and feel safe with our partners.

Family can be the worst, they get a fixed idea in their heads about who we are, and then never want to let us become different people, or being shocked if they notice we are different. With partners it can be the same.
Hi Mess,
Thank you as well, for taking the time to share with me your thoughts.
I agree 100% with what you have wrote. It makes a lot of sense.
So now that we are living 1.5 hours from one another, and in midst of all this court stuff. How do we go about doing this?

He works 24/7, I am in school, there is now the distance between us.
How do I even know if what he wants IS reconciliation or if that was simply him trying to sweet talk me in order to 'get his way' in through the courts.

I also feel as if he is not his own man. That he tends to fold based on what his family and friends think. It's about image containment with him, how do I bring this up in order for it to be addressed.

The fault was definitely 50/50 between us. We are both young, immature and have a LOT of realization and self growth to do. I'm not sure if he sees this and is ready to tackle it and leave everything behind us, or if it's too much for him to handle.

At the moment, we aren't even allowed to keep in contact as per a court order. Directly or indirectly, everything has to be done via legal counsel, it's in relation to DV, which was taken out of context by the police to an extreme. I am speaking to the crown tomorrow in regards to this matter and am hoping that once the crown really hears the story from MY mouth, that everything will be withdrawn and there will be no more crim court in the mix.
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:22 PM
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well at least his friends and family are more honest then yours by doing it to your face instead of behind your back like yours are doing. They way you first worded it was that your side never said anything but you corrected that.

One of your biggest problems is involving your family way too much in your personal life. You say he is a grown man and should do things without the influence of his family. Dont you think your family influences you also?? Neither one of you are innocent in that. You need to stop telling your family so many details and decide for yourself if he is the man for you. If the family interference was gone, could it work? Keep the families out of it and you two work on what is important to you.
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:27 PM
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Use the time apart to fully assesses what you want and what is best for your child in the long-term. It is wonderful that you have your parents to help support you and your child. A domestic violence charge is very serious. Beware of him playing with your emotions so you try to have the charge dropped. Step back from everything and let him deal with what he has to deal with.

I was married to someone for 30 yrs who's family never accepted/liked me. After my divorce these people have taken their dislike out on my son. He is now a grown man with no relatives. I would encourage you to get your future on track with your studies. You are very young and very well may meet someone else some day who has a decent family who will welcome you with open arms into their lives. Look forward - don't look back. He's not worthy of you.
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
well at least his friends and family are more honest then yours by doing it to your face instead of behind your back like yours are doing. They way you first worded it was that your side never said anything but you corrected that.

One of your biggest problems is involving your family way too much in your personal life. You say he is a grown man and should do things without the influence of his family. Dont you think your family influences you also?? Neither one of you are innocent in that. You need to stop telling your family so many details and decide for yourself if he is the man for you. If the family interference was gone, could it work? Keep the families out of it and you two work on what is important to you.
I'm sorry I disagree with you over here. Calling someone names to their face is in no way commendable. My family does not call him names to me. They simply tell me where they feel he has been in the wrong, as well as tell me where I have been in the wrong. Calling someone a b!tch, or saying hurtful things to their face which are based on ONE side, is not in any way more 'honest'. I am actually LIVING with my family now, so in respect yet I do need to let them know what is going on with the court proceedings. They give me their thoughts and opinions but never chastise me if I go about it in an opposite manner -my way. They tell me to make wise decisions as it is MY life.

If you look at the reply I have wrote to 'mess' you will see why it is not so easy to simply talk to him about everything.

Thank you
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