Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #21 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:04 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 31
keepmovingforward is on a distinguished road
Default

Pursuinghappiness,
I hear what you are saying about mediation and not going to court but in my case I will not sacrifice my time with my children. That's all we are fighting about.
My wife is a corporate woman who makes 6 figures, 25% more than me, but now that she wants a divorce, equality is out the window. She thinks because she has a vag that she is entitled to child support and the kids most of the time - even though we have split all the child rearing. In fact I have done more with the kids because of her 60 hour weeks. So instead of throwing offers back and forth starting with her offer of EOW and pay her child support (woman's welfare in her case) for her boob job and hot tub (yes, you've heard this one before), I decided to file and take my chances in court. What do I have to lose (other than my sanity) ? My worst case is her EOW offer. Cause she "doesn't believe" in 50-50. It's not in "the best interests of the kids". See what the judge says. Although I hear that a lot of judges are still biased to the vag regardless of the way the children have been raised.
Other than that we aren't fighting about anything.
Shared parenting assumption can't come soon enough to Canada.....
Reply With Quote
  #22 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:18 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,800
Pursuinghappiness will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
I hear what you are saying about mediation and not going to court but in my case I will not sacrifice my time with my children. That's all we are fighting about.
I'm certainly not suggesting that you don't do whatever necessary to protect your parental rights. Believe me, I did the same thing.

Quote:
I decided to file and take my chances in court. What do I have to lose (other than my sanity)
If your ex completely refuses to negotiate, you probably don't have a lot of choice but understand that going to court means your handing over all control to a judge. They don't know you...they don't know your ex...and you have to manage your attorney to make sure they present your case well. You have to do what you have to do...just go in understanding what the risk is.

Quote:
My worst case is her EOW offer. Cause she "doesn't believe" in 50-50. It's not in "the best interests of the kids". See what the judge says. Although I hear that a lot of judges are still biased to the vag regardless of the way the children have been raised.
It doesn't matter what she believes. Right now, you have assumed 50/50 custody and you better be using it. You need to insist on seeing the kids at least half the time and start documenting your daily activities with them.

By the way, I'm not sure which judges you've been in front of but every judge I had was very much in favor of shared custody and access...including the custody evaluator we had. I think you're going to find that the men that claim that the courts are entire female leaning are the same ones that do stupid things during separation and in court and then need an excuse to pin their failures on. And its not just men that make excuses, plenty of women do it too when they screw up their case. ie. my ex is evil and knows how to work the system, etc. Its the common lament of an HC.
Reply With Quote
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:32 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 31
keepmovingforward is on a distinguished road
Default

A couple of other facts.
We are still doing the inhome separation. Since Feb. I will not leave without an agreement.
I get the kids to the bus stop 3-4 days a week and pick them up 4 days out of the week from after school. I help with the homework, drive them to hockey, and we split most of the duties around the house. I journal everything, since January actually. We do separate things with the boys (10 and 8).
It's not like we are throwing plates at the wall. Everything is very adult and we discuss the kids daily (activities, events, school, planning the week, etc).
She just won't agree to 50-50 shared custody. She was even talking about "giving me" extra time to bring it up to 35%. wow, talk about a gatekeeper ! These are OUR kids ! I believe it is about the money although she keeps saying to me "you just don't want to pay child support".
Which I am sure the courts will figure out that her interests lie in $$$. I have been heavily involved with my boys since they were born and I want that to continue.
Split everything, share time with the boys, buy a house in the school district, raise the kids ---- simple. But not if the woman is stuck in 1993....
Reply With Quote
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 10:05 AM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,217
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by keepmovingforward View Post
She just won't agree to 50-50 shared custody. She was even talking about "giving me" extra time to bring it up to 35%. wow, talk about a gatekeeper ! These are OUR kids ! I believe it is about the money although she keeps saying to me "you just don't want to pay child support".
You should really get this stuff back in your own thread. But I'll reply anyways.

Your ex's comments about you being motivated by money are big hints that money is HER motivation. She doesn't think you want to avoid paying her, she wants to avoid paying you. She probably realizes that because she's the higher earner she'd have to pay YOU if it went to offset. She probably also realizes that because of her work hours, there's a danger you could end up with more than 60% of the time, and then she'd owe you straight up table amounts of CS.

She probably also knows that she will likely lose if it goes to court, so she has to convince you now, before court, to go along with her. She disguises it with crap accusations about YOU focusing on the money, or the kids needing to live in only one house, etc. You just have to counter her arguments with reasonable alternatives.

So you assure her that as you both make good money, offset CS would be minimal, and you would each get to keep what you earn. Especially if she reduces her work hours after you have separate houses, which she might need to do as she wouldn't have you around to look after the kids. Or you could assure her that no matter what the time split ended up, you would have default 50-50 on paper so that would be the basis for child support, and you'd be happy to take the kids more when her work schedule demanded it.

If she talks about the kids needing stable beds, suggest that you maintain the house for the kids and each adult just gets a simple apartment. Then the kids stay put, and the adults switch in and out of the house 50-50. This is called 'nesting' and you need high incomes to afford it. But suggesting it further proves that you are collaborating in the best interests of the children, not arguing over money. And if a stable bed was an excuse of hers, not a concern, this will deflate that.

Don't cave in, just be patient and reasonable and cooperative, be a good dad to your kids, never raise your voice and especially keep your recorder going, in case she changes her tactics. Her having a new guy and a new life she wants to start will hopefully also give her incentive to sort this out sooner rather than later. Does she want to spend all the money on lawyers, or exchange a little bit between you for the benefit of the kids? Does she want to move on with life now, or two or three years from now?
Reply With Quote
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 12:09 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 42
Thomas is on a distinguished road
Default

Wow,
QUite a response!
I never posted much here while all my shit was happenning, mostly as it was unbelievable to me and I would not expect anyone else to believe what was happenning.
The system is so rife with loopholes anyone with a grudge can take full advantage to cause pain.
Most of my costs were having a lawyer in court for 3 no shows and extensive accounting.
During the process the ex was never held accountable for her contempt of court orders or never filing anything!!! While I was doing all the work she was quite busy sabotaging anything she could.
Why...??? No reason, she had the affair, she had the baby.
Now that I am done it is all odd that as I sit here the phone isnt ringing with bad news.You get so conditioned over 3 years for mayhem its going to take awhile for the peace and tranquility to set in.

My lawyer has advised she can not come back after me. my agreement covers everything including meteors plummeting down and maiming her.
??? That being said I will be glad when 2 years are up.

As for having any good memories, NO. When she had my dogs destroyed after I had secured homes for them !!! I prefer to strike her from my existance. When you watch someone shove a 76 yrold man to the ground so she can step over him to punch someone in the face... ??

After this post Im not going to even recall the 100 or so incidents.

I now have a bed to sleep on(no more couches), my motorcycle and a new serenity about me.

I just hope everyone here gets through it. If I could anything is possible.
Thomas
Reply With Quote
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 12:18 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: GTA, ON
Posts: 537
Mother is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

I am soooooo glad you have responded. I was a bit worried.

Please do not disappear! Please help us to get through this Hell.

Thanks for sharing.
Reply With Quote
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 12:24 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: GTA, ON
Posts: 537
Mother is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by oink View Post
BOLD 1: No $hit

BOLD 2: Good for you, and so it should i.e iron clad, bulletproof

BOLD: 3 I can see some of the ones with the "Me mentality", "entitlement veins" and "what is mine is mine, and what is yours is mine too" attitude on here, doing just that

There stories on here to date, shows this
Corrected...
Reply With Quote
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 01:35 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,800
Pursuinghappiness will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
I now have a bed to sleep on(no more couches), my motorcycle and a new serenity about me.
This is really all that matters...especially the serenity part.

Getting past divorce is a process, it doesn't happen all at once and you'll have moments where you remember the feeling of it and shake your head at why you tolerated the nonsense for so long. But eventually better things replace the old bad things. But whatever you do...don't let her control your future by closing yourself off to new people and new situations. Life is wonderful...enjoy it while you have it.
Reply With Quote
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 02:37 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
If she talks about the kids needing stable beds, suggest that you maintain the house for the kids and each adult just gets a simple apartment. Then the kids stay put, and the adults switch in and out of the house 50-50. This is called 'nesting' and you need high incomes to afford it. But suggesting it further proves that you are collaborating in the best interests of the children, not arguing over money. And if a stable bed was an excuse of hers, not a concern, this will deflate that.
I'll just add to Rioe's excellent advice, that if she talks about the kid's needing stable beds, point out that they won't have stable beds with an every-other-weekend arrangement. Unless she wants to get you down to 0%, they are going to move around.

By having at least 4-5 consecutively in each home - such as a 2-2-5, or a bi-weekly schedule - the kids have a chance to settle in, have a routine, and actually be parented by each of you.

If she disrupts their lives by demanding they go away every other weekend and maybe a single overnight each week, which is "traditional," she would be ensuring that they end up spending the night in a house that always feels strange to them.
Reply With Quote
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 02:42 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: GTA, ON
Posts: 537
Mother is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Thomas, may I ask you if you had any solid support (family/friends) during your 3 years of divorce?
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:16 PM.