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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2013, 11:31 PM
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I imagine you went through living Hell but it's over now. No matter how stupit it sounds but time heals the deepest wounds. Just please chose to be happy. It's the best you can do for yourself. It's over and it's just the beginning. You survived.
I think a lot of people come out of divorce extremely damaged. Its unfortunate. Either they take a very long time to get out of it...or they're permanently harmed. There's a lot of extremely angry, bitter people walking around.

To the OP, have you thought about therapy? A lot of people on here swear by it to get over divorce trauma.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2013, 11:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I think a lot of people come out of divorce extremely damaged. Its unfortunate. Either they take a very long time to get out of it...or they're permanently harmed. There's a lot of extremely angry, bitter people walking around.

To the OP, have you thought about therapy? A lot of people on here swear by it to get over divorce trauma.
Very true but still a person can do a lot to be happy regardless of what had happened. It's not easy but what choice do we have...?
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Old 10-17-2013, 11:45 PM
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Very true but still a person can do a lot to be happy regardless of what had happened. It's not easy but what choice do we have...?
Funny, I've found it extremely easy once I actually was able to leave the marital home but I know that's unusual.

The worst aftermath of divorce for me has being feeling a bit like I can't help my D manage the difficult relationship she has with my ex. There's very little I can do since I'm not physically present to provide a barrier for his anger issues. But she's getting old enough that she'll eventually decide what she wants to do about that without my help. I think its fairly common for people escaping bad marriages to feel like they've thrown their kids to the wolves in a sense.

Other than that...getting away from my marriage has been awesome. If you come out of it financially well, that helps a lot too. I consider myself lucky every single day. I think you're right, its all a mindset.
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Old 10-17-2013, 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by oink View Post
Simple really....be less irrational during the hard times, put your emotions aside, and accept that it's over. i.e. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill, and if there are kids involved, put them first...not one's personal pie in the sky wet dreams
Meditation? Hypnosis?
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Old 10-17-2013, 11:52 PM
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Meditation? Hypnosis?
I go to massage therapy. Its a lovely treat.

And I just made an appointment for acupuncture. I figured I'd try it since its covered on my health plan. I injured my rotator cuff a couple years back and from time to time, I can still feel it. But I've heard acupuncture can help relieve many things.

In general, its a good idea to take care of your health during and after the whole process. Its easy to get sick when you're under a lot of stress.
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Old 10-18-2013, 12:07 AM
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Originally Posted by oink View Post
I don't think that is going to help people that are almost 100k deep in it, and looking for a host (sucker) to attach to under the pretense that it's love
Well, there maybe some real feelings involved, who knows but for me it's a deal breaker because sooner or later this financial dynomite will expode, for 100% sure. So why walk on a mine filed?

As to the survival help, I guess every single one of us has something that works well for him or her, or combination. But I realize that there are some people who just can't take it. I read about logicalvelocity here. Very sad.
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Old 10-18-2013, 12:08 AM
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Originally Posted by oink View Post
Self awareness is a beautiful thing

Just saying
So very true. During the months leading to and after separation, I spent many early morning hours searching and reflecting until I discovered this fact: If you are not self-aware, you are not really living. You are in denial.

Socrates once said that the unexamined life is not worth living. You can't examine your life until you become self-aware. If you can't see yourself, you will never fully live. It will not be easy to embark on this journey of self-awareness, but it is worth every drop of sweat, blood and tears in the end.
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Old 10-18-2013, 01:32 AM
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I waked away from the marriage with a clear conscious... Knowing I did everything I could to make it work... This made it easy for me and I have never looked back personally. My life is better.

Ending a relationship with children is never ideal theoretically and is always unfair for the kids... But it is sometimes necessary.
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Old 10-18-2013, 04:16 AM
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Good for you Thomas.

Im hoping to be done in a year...that will put me at 3 years myself, don't know where my legal fees will be but I suspect they'll be just above that.

Im not trying to sound trite.....but I think anyone whos been around this block would agree that an 8 year old could probably come up with a better system than the one we currently have.

I eagerly await the day I can have a requiem for these days in a stasis.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:30 AM
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Im hoping to be done in a year...that will put me at 3 years myself, don't know where my legal fees will be but I suspect they'll be just above that.
This is the reason that a lot of people have a hard time dealing with divorce trauma. It only takes one person in the divorce to cause massive legal conflict and make the other person have to pay unnecessary fees.

My ex's 1st two lawyers were male-right's attorneys who basically caused conflict to ramp up billable hours. He believed that paying an attorney more per hour meant he was going to 'win'. I got a much cheaper attorney who was primarily a mediator and I made a great decision. Between my and my ex, we spent at least 80k in legal fees and custody evaluations. His was probably far more than the 40k I spent because he has had 3 lawyers and was probably at their office whining a lot more. It got him no where. One thing divorcing people need to learn is that getting a lawyer that isn't interested in settling your case...bad idea.

Luckily, we owned a large marital home that sold quickly and I bought a much smaller home and so I was able to manage my legal bill and pay for my house even without equalization being completed. Doing financially well makes it easier to let go of the resentment of being dragged through court. But even for those that still have money problems after marriage, it really does get better in time for most people.

Its really a great shame when people let the legacy of a bad marriage change who they are and take away their chance at future happiness. Doing a post-mortem after separation to figure out what you could have done better in picking a partner and managing a relationship is very prudent but walking around thinking everyone is like your ex and out to get you isn't mentally healthy.
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