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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 01:05 PM
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Start sharing the kids 50/50 now.

Set a schedule and follow it.

Find something to do on your nights when you don't have the kids.

Also if you can agree have an open and honest conversation with your kids. Hopefully you BOTH can convey that no matter what happens you both love them just as much as you did before. Let them know it's not their fault and support them as much as you both can. But you need to tell them that things will be changing and how. I know how hard and awkward this is.
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Old 03-18-2014, 01:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by laughagain View Post
Folks, really appreciate the responses. It gives me some good perspective. About the credit, I use joint cards to cover all expenses. Groceries, gas, shopping, everything. She pays the bills. So closing those down before having an agreement in place would appear to be hurting me. If she were to do that without discussing it first I would consider that a shot fired in what would lead to a dirty war. We don't want to go there.
You can open your own credit cards, but if you remain on joint cards you are potentially risking yourself to financial difficulties. If she decides to run up those cards, you will STILL be responsible for that debt. She is obviously serious about this divorce and part of that is closing joint accounts and credit cards. Very rarely are divorces amicable so just be prepared.
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Old 03-18-2014, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
You can open your own credit cards, but if you remain on joint cards you are potentially risking yourself to financial difficulties. If she decides to run up those cards, you will STILL be responsible for that debt. She is obviously serious about this divorce and part of that is closing joint accounts and credit cards. Very rarely are divorces amicable so just be prepared.
laughagain,
Mine rang up $31,400.
REALLY!!!!!
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Old 03-18-2014, 03:15 PM
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Closing joint credit cards and bank accounts is not a hostile activity even if it is perceived that way by some.

You will be divorcing so you will need to separate all of your finances sooner or later.

If things are amicable and there is a degree a trust between you (for now, I doubt it will last much longer) you could give warning rather than blindsiding the other party with it. Again, this opens you up to a lot of risk but if you still trust them there it is.

I had zero warning that the divorce was coming. I got a phone call at work one day telling me not to come to home. She had already gone to the bank and taken everything earlier in the day, leaving me penniless and homeless. Don't suffer the same fate.
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Old 03-18-2014, 03:21 PM
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Here is "THE LIST"

Worst case scenario planning

THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum
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Old 03-18-2014, 03:31 PM
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This is not to make you paranoid but you need to understand what can happen and start taking action now. Hopefully you won't need any of it.

If you have not already done so start photocopying everything, bank statements, investments, debt, Kids passports, Birth Certificate, SIN cards, health cards.... EVERYTHING

This is a very delicate phase. You want her to think you don't know anything.

Starting today keep a daily log (journal) of everything that goes on. Keep it factual and emotion free. Who watched the kids and when, who did the homework, who prepared dinner, who did anything.

I highly recommend you at least get a free consultation with a lawyer asap.

I also recommend you buy a personal voice recorder and record everything at all times when you are both home. This cannot be used in court for your divorce but is to protect your ass if she tries to file false DV (Domestic Violence) charges against you. DO NOT TELL HER about it EVER. (Perfectly legal btw)

Open your own bank account and start putting some savings away any way you can. I am not telling you to steal money from joint accounts.

You need to seriously consider how you are going to support yourself on your own starting today.

As soon as she finds out she may have to start paying you large sums of money every month it could get ugly and you'd better be prepared.

Good luck.
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Old 03-18-2014, 05:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
Here is "THE LIST"

Worst case scenario planning

THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum
This is the " male" list. A little gender biased don't you think. Not all women are like this and also there are many many Men who would fit the profile this author of the list has painted. I know at least 1!
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 05:27 PM
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laughagain:

If she's the one earning the money and she gets some legal advice (not necessarily to hire a lawyer, just to get advice), they'll tell her to close the joint accounts. If I was her, I'd close them.

You need to understand that you're going to need to have a financial plan to get you through the separation process until you can get an interim order for support in place.

So while there may be an agreement to be amicable, you need to have a plan in case it isn't. Legally, she's entitled to pay for nothing except the basic household expenses and for expenses for the children. You'll have to manage legal fees and all the extra fees associated with your life that isn't the basic mortgage, heat, electricity, etc. For instance, she isn't really legally responsible to provide you with a car, a cell phone, clothing, internet, etc.

You'll need some type of interim plan...whether its borrowing money, asking for help from family, etc to potentially get you through the time it takes to get to your first motion when you can request support.

I'm also sorry for what you're going through but I can't say I'm surprised. Its always tough when you have inequities in a relationship. I think one of the hardest marriages to keep together is when one spouse is a SAHP. I really hope that you're able to sort this out with your stbx through mediation and best wishes to your children through this process.
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Old 03-18-2014, 05:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
laughagain:

If she's the one earning the money and she gets some legal advice (not necessarily to hire a lawyer, just to get advice), they'll tell her to close the joint accounts. If I was her, I'd close them.

You need to understand that you're going to need to have a financial plan to get you through the separation process until you can get an interim order for support in place.

So while there may be an agreement to be amicable, you need to have a plan in case it isn't. Legally, she's entitled to pay for nothing except the basic household expenses and for expenses for the children. You'll have to manage legal fees and all the extra fees associated with your life that isn't the basic mortgage, heat, electricity, etc. For instance, she isn't really legally responsible to provide you with a car, a cell phone, clothing, internet, etc.

You'll need some type of interim plan...whether its borrowing money, asking for help from family, etc to potentially get you through the time it takes to get to your first motion when you can request support.

I'm also sorry for what you're going through but I can't say I'm surprised. Its always tough when you have inequities in a relationship. I think one of the hardest marriages to keep together is when one spouse is a SAHP. I really hope that you're able to sort this out with your stbx through mediation and best wishes to your children through this process.
^^^ Very good advice... you need to start preparing yourself for this. Anyone can change real fast and if she does speak to a lawyer, due to the income differences and the fact you have been a SAHP, if she gets wind she may owe you spousal support, you can expect it to change real fast.

It is going to have to happen anyways, why not do it now, while there are minimal balances owing?
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 06:12 PM
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I'm feeling a giant pit in my stomach.

I believe while being extremely nice to me in the moment she is doing all those background things. I see the evidence.
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