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Financial Issues This forum is for discussing any of the financial issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 10-11-2005, 12:35 AM
dat dat is offline
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Wink Tired of the scare tactics...

I am recently separated (coming up 6 months). I have so many questions that I don't even know where to start.. but here goes a few. If I start the divorce process is it possible to stop the process should we consider reconciling? I feel the need to file to sort out our financial situation (sep. agreement), but I would still consider trying to work things out should he want to try, but that being said I do not want to sit around and be a punching bag any longer.

Thanks any info would be greatly appreciated.

Last edited by dat; 10-14-2005 at 11:23 PM.
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Old 10-11-2005, 08:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dat
I am recently separated (coming up 6 months). I am hesitant to file for divorce on the advice of my lawyer, do not file until you are completely ready to give up on your marriage. I have been waiting until I am completely sure, I guess that will never happen, but my husband doesn't want to try to work things out I am considering taking the leap and moving on with my life. I have so many questions that I don't even know where to start.. but here goes a few. My husband earns a very good wage (over 100,000) and has started paying child support for our 2 children. He is/was a kind man but since he decided to walk is very scared over how much his actions could cost him. He threatens all the time that if I try to make him pay half his salary or any large sum of spousal support for a long length of time then I am in for a very long legal battle. He has suggested that every time we go to court it will cost around $3000/each. He has even said that he will spend every penny he has fighting me. I know these threats are just scare tactics but to be honest I don't want to spend what little money I receive from the sale of our home fighting him. Does anyone know how much a typical divorce should cost? I say typical because we have no debt, RRSP, assets are pretty much being split or are already equal. It really just comes down to child support, custody and spousal support. I am currently living about 6 hours away from where he is due to the fact that I moved in with family. He has seen our children twice since the separation and when he did, he took the amount of his flights off of the child support... is this correct? When I questioned him he said that is what his lawyer told him to do. I am going to relocate where he is eventually becuase I don't want my children being shipped back and forth. I do believe that they should see him and I have suggested to him that it would be helpful for him and for me to see the kids at least 2 days/week. He also works away a lot and I am willing to work around his schedule. His only comment was that if he sees them for at least 9 days/month then he won't have to pay as much, this is what a friend in a similar situation said. Again is this correct?
Okay my last question for this thread... if I start the divorce process (I live in Alberta) is it possible to stop the process should we consider reconciling? I feel the need to file to sort out our financial situation (sep. agreement), but I would still consider trying to work things out should he want to try, but that being said I do not want to sit around and be a punching bag any longer.

Thanks any info would be greatly appreciated.

To date I have spent about $10,000 - Most of the kinks have been worked out, with just a few little things that need to be taken of. The closer we get to getting everything settled, the more the soon to be x has a reason to fight over another detail.

I would suggest that you keep a DETAILED accounting of EVERYTHING that happens with you and your soon to be X. When he calls the kids, when he picks them up, every cent that he gives you and every cent that you spend.

Funny thing is, is that when I filed for divorce for mental cruelty - and because my X had a gambling problem - I was the one that had to explain where all the money went etc.... not the ex.

I have binders filled with notes about when he has seen the kids, telephoned the kids (there are times when he would go 80 days without even talking to his daughter- but would make plans with the boys.)

I don't believe that he can take off the amount of his flights off his child support. That doesn't seem right to me.

I really do suggest you see a lawyer ASAP. DO NOT let threats stop you for seeking the best legal advise there is. (That is a form of Verbal and mental abuse. And trust me, you don't want to be there.)

Most lawyers DO NOT charge for the first visit.

My lawyer has requested that my soon to be X - pay for "stupid" time that it takes in delaying this divorce. After that, things moved along alittle easier.

Good Luck to you hun. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here
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Old 10-11-2005, 09:46 AM
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Thumbs up The beginning of a divorce is a critical time...

Your situation is a tough one and I sympathize with you very much.

Often, in the early stages of a divorce people are starved for knowledge about numerous things such as what are their rights, what does the law say about their particular situation and how can they protect themself from a vindictive 'ex'.

A great site to help you is www.divorceresourcecanada.com

Check it out - the 'Divorce Survival Kits' are great! Lots of information on how to help kids through a divorce in there also.
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Old 10-11-2005, 02:42 PM
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Default Same Boat

Hi, I have been in the same boat as you wanting to give the benefit of the doubt to the other side. All I can say is that you learn over the course of time that nobody looks out for you as well as you do yourself. It would appear that your separated spouse is trying his best to protect his own assets and worth, rather than what the law provides for. If you can't afford to secure legal presence right now, I would excercise the use of one of the free services in your community to at least get a handle on your rights. I am in Ontario, so I'm not sure what Alberta's laws are, but I feel confident that you are setting yourself up to lose. At a minimum you should educate yourself. My biggest suggestion, because there are children involved, start a journal and record all interactions your kids and ex spouse have as well as any pertinent comments. If you ever have to look at custody and access this will become invaluable.

Similar to the other post, these forums are a great way to hear about other situations and vent. Good luck.
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Old 10-11-2005, 03:02 PM
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Hi,
Thanks for some of the input so far. I just wanted to clarify... don't get me wrong, I may sound like a pushover and for the moment I am letting my husband believe that he is in control, for several reasons. I have retained an excellent lawyer from day one but again at $300/hour I don't want to use his resources until I need to. I still would like to try to work things out so until I am emotionally ready I don't want to enter the battle. It does concern me however that Anne you wrote you think I am setting myself up to lose... do I sound that bad?
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Old 10-11-2005, 06:04 PM
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Hi dat,

Welcome to the forums!

I agree with Anne that you should take a long, hard look about whether there really will be a reconciliation. I realize that you’ve got a lot of mixed emotions about that, and perhaps that’s something you should speak with a counselor about. But you say you’ve been living separate in different cities for 6 months, you say "he threatens...", you say he doesn’t want to work it out....

It’s difficult to resolve any of the legal issues if you’ve got reconciliation in the back of your mind. I regularly get people coming to me asking if there’s anyway to invalidate a separation agreement they’ve entered into because they only signed it based on promises their ex made about reconciliation.

As to legal fees, I’ve got some dollar ranges here:
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/legalfees.htm


This was written a few years ago, so the numbers are probably on the low side. Costs are probably higher in Ontario and in major cities than in other parts of Canada.

I think Fresh Starts is right about keeping copious documentation. Your lawyer should be able to tell you what’s most important for your case.

I don’t think that you’re setting yourself up to lose. You’ve come here seeking guidance and support which is good, and you’ve got a lawyer. You probably just need some more time to sort out some of the non-legal issues you’re facing before you deal with the legal issues. I think you should also spend another hour or two with your lawyer just to make sure you’re protected while you take the time to sort things out.
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Old 10-11-2005, 06:17 PM
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Actually, speaking of the reconciliation issue, it's just popped up here:
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f3/confused-38/
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Old 10-11-2005, 06:59 PM
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Smile Same Boat

Hi Dat, no you don't sound bad at all. I just know from having been in a similar situation that when there are emotions running behind the scenes, you sometimes still feel like you should be "kinder" than you feel you are being. Unfortunately, this caused me many lost months of worry and anxiety, when in reality it would have been wiser to engage in the legal process from the start. I am just hopeful that you can protect yourself and that everything works out in your best interest and for your children. From my experience, the legal process is mechanical and largely ignorant of how lives are truly affected by decisions. The portions that are in your control are worth pursuing and ensuring that you have done what you can.
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