New and Needing Help, Please.

[karmaseeker]

Hello all, I have been reading the forums and they are very informative, although sometimes confusing with differing information. I am engaged to marry a wonderful man and father to two little girls. It has been a rough road because things with his ex are no where near resolved.

History: He was married for 10 years and many of the last years were emotionally devastating for him. He was raised to believe divorce was wrong and the children come first so when his wife asked him to move out of the marital room and into the basement he reluctantly did what he was told. Years of suspicions finally were confirmed and the truth came to light that his wife had been having an affair for a year and a half with her best friends husband. He was devastated and an emotional wreck.

He moved back to his home town to be closer to his family and immediately went into counseling for severe anxiety. This is an hour drive away from the marital home. He bought a 3 bedroom town house so he would have a place for his children and has shared custody. He has the kids 3 weekends of the month as well as extra holidays during summer and Christmas. He was so fearful of losing his children he signed a "separation agreement" that she had quickly drafted up. No lawyers were involved. No disclosure of her financial holdings were disclosed. And he signed very much in a state of duress.

This document gave her the 300,000 family home less, 11,000 for his portion of the money paid into the mortgage. It wasn't the value of the house that was divided but the value of the mortgage. She also demanded 35,000 for spousal support in one lump sum. he left with his remaining RRSP's in tacked and she refused to disclose any savings, RRSP's that she had in her name. She had handled all finances and for certain has a nice holdings.

They both worked through out the marriage with good jobs. Him a union worker (35 per hour plus available over time), her an office manager of a chiropractic clinic (est. 25 per hour??) The separation put him into debt of 25,000. His debt has continued to grow over the last 3 years.

He has been paying (this year) $1273 child support, $360 daycare, and half of anything else she demands. There simply isn't enough money to pay her this much, the debt, and the basic expenses of his home. We have everything the kids need here too - bikes, clothes, etc.

We moved in together less than a year ago ( I didn't know about the debt - but that would have stopped me from wanting a life with this big hearted man). I have my own son and I contribute the best I can to the joint expenses. I work minimum wage right now and am trying to get my own business off the ground. So much of my energy is trying to get this other stuff sorted out as it is such a mess. I have postponed the wedding as we can't afford to get married.

I have insisted a lawyer review the separation agreement who basically said it was a useless document with more holes than swiss cheese. She did not review the financials as that would be another 250 dollars we don't have. Or a 2,000 retainer. We are working at trying to consolidate his debts into his mortgage so that less is going out in that direction but it still isn't enough. His job has him on the road A LOT which means his transportation bills are exceptionally high. He would consider changing careers but doesn't want to lose his benefits for the girls.

Basically, I hear you all saying lawyers are going to put us into greater debt. Applying for Undue Hardship is a near impossible battle, and I feel overwhelmed by the injustice of a situation so clearly unequal. I don't mean to sound like the bitter 2nd partner but ex wife has a huge house, takes 4 holidays a year (yes, one with the kids to disney world every year) and is now taking FLYING LESSONS.


I would like for us to have a more equal standard of living where we could maybe afford one family holiday and perhaps a dinner out once a month. No can do, when 2 plus 2 never equals 5.

So any advice and assistance would really be appreciated as I am not a quitter and I have to believe that somethings are worth fighting for.

Thank you.

[Rioe]

I bet you can predict our suggestions based on your reading of this forum.

Yes, the separation agreement is worthless. No financial disclosure, no independent legal counsel, signed while he was in a poor mental and emotional state; yes, he can probably have it overturned. The more he delays now that he has stabilized and realized his errors, the worse the situation becomes though. He should at least get a consult with a lawyer, which in some cases can be free. Doing research and preparing his questions ahead of time will go a long way to making the most out of that consulting time and not wasting money. If he still has RRSPs, maybe he can take the tax hit and draw from them to pay for the battle, in the hopes of getting some financial relief at the end of it.

There are two books I've seen recommended here that I picked up from the library to read, that are very good starts to your research.

• Tug of War by Justice Brownstone (a judge talks about how to stay child-focused)
• Surviving your Divorce by Michael Cochrane (general overview of the process, with a very useful sample Separation Agreement in the appendix)

Although it's been some time, drawing up a new separation agreement from scratch might work in his case, but most likely you'll just work forwards with new spousal and child support and custody arrangements, as it will probably be difficult to reopen the equalization. It sounds like she's spent the money already. But this would trigger full financial disclosure from her, and you can see exactly what she held back in the original agreement and decide if it's worth more fighting.

Perhaps he can get a break from his support payments for a while due to balancing out previous overpayment on the equalization, but that might feel to him like he's taking money away from his kids. Perhaps he can just get a new setup that he has to approve any extra expenses ahead of time before he pays half instead of doing it blind like he appears to be doing now. Perhaps he can get the child support down to standard table amounts based on his income. Would he like more time with the kids? That would be the hardest part to get changed, I think.

The big question though is: what does HE want to do? No doubt there's lingering bitterness on his part, but does HE want to reopen the issues, or is it just you perceiving the unfairness on his behalf? This is HIS fight, and while you can be a huge help, HE has to be the one who wants it. Maybe he prefers being in debt to having to go through all the emotional upheaval of dealing with her again.

[billiechic]

so he just handed over the house to her?? What kind of equity was there?

I really think he needs to see a lawyer over this...AFTER he has crunched the numbers as of the separation date.

Just becasue he signed a SA does not mean he can't go back and negotiate. Sounds like he really got the raw end of the deal...

[Joyce]

The matrimonial home should be appraised--as there may very well be equity in it. I think from the description that he would still be on title.

[karmaseeker]

Thank you so much for your help. I will pass on all of this information and see if just maybe there can be some rectifying of a miserable situation.