When is it too soon to introduce another partner?

[inseperationhell]

We have been seperated for 5+ months. Going for the first round of mediation next week. We are in a nesting arrangement, trading time in the matrimonial home until things are settled for the kids sake.

In the last few weeks, the kids have begun to mention that "Jane" was over at the house during Dad's time for visits and that she is really nice to them. She was there after the kid's bedtime. Dad was sleeping with "Jane" before we were seperated.

I have no issue with my ex being with someone else....no jealousy or anything...it was one of the last straws that made me stand up and end the marriage (I am glad that it happened and I smelled the coffee)...my thinking - let her deal with his bull and discover what he is actually like.

My question is - when should my ex be introducing someone new in his life to the kids (they are young, all 3 between ages of 7 and 10)? We have yet to deal with custody arrangements, possession of the home, financials etc... The kids are still asking where they will live and if they will be with Mommy most of the time.

He has over 50% of his time without the kids - shouldn't he continue his relationship without their involvement until the dust settles?

[Mess]

It's going to sting that this is the person he was seeing before you separated.

It's going to be hard to believe that this relationship could be stable.

If it were my ex, and they were together over 6 months, I would have to be fine with it.

My criteria for introducing is that the relations seem stable, and I'm not going to be introducing someone new every couple of months. That I mention the person to the children and ask if they want to meet her, and prior to the first overnight, I ask the kids if they mind if my friend sleeps over. It is their house too, and in particular if they feel they have no power, then they are going to act up.

[inseperationhell]

Thank you for the words of wisdom Mess. I am trying to be very even keal with this. I honestly don't think the kids realize the "real deal".

Trying to be ok with it...although I am made to feel that I can't have any friends over - and I mean just friends if they are male. I have a couple of good male friends which have stopped over to help me with the odd big job around the house that I could not do solo, have a lunch or dinner, hang for an hour or two. Absolutely nothing but friendship. But I have been accused by him of sleeping around in front of the kids and damaging them. Am very surprised to hear from the kids that "Jane" has been over regulaly when I know the deal with "Jane"....

[Tayken]

Originally Posted by inseperationhell

We have been seperated for 5+ months. Going for the first round of mediation next week. We are in a nesting arrangement, trading time in the matrimonial home until things are settled for the kids sake.

First off let me say how incredible this is to do for your children. I am more than impressed that you are able to do this despite the situation you are personally facing. If only all parents could put their children first like this!

Originally Posted by inseperationhell

In the last few weeks, the kids have begun to mention that "Jane" was over at the house during Dad's time for visits and that she is really nice to them. She was there after the kid's bedtime. Dad was sleeping with "Jane" before we were seperated.

I have no issue with my ex being with someone else....no jealousy or anything...it was one of the last straws that made me stand up and end the marriage (I am glad that it happened and I smelled the coffee)...my thinking - let her deal with his bull and discover what he is actually like.

My question is - when should my ex be introducing someone new in his life to the kids (they are young, all 3 between ages of 7 and 10)? We have yet to deal with custody arrangements, possession of the home, financials etc... The kids are still asking where they will live and if they will be with Mommy most of the time.

He has over 50% of his time without the kids - shouldn't he continue his relationship without their involvement until the dust settles?

There is no set criteria for when another partner should be introduced to children.

Look at it from this perspective possibly:

Children have an incredible capacity to love. If the person the other parent has chosen is good to the children, loving and even helpful to the other parent... View it as a benefit for your children. They may have some confusion over what is going on but, the one thing children are really good at doing in general is adjusting to change.

Good Luck!
Tayken

PS: I am also impressed to see that you are agreeable to a 50-50 access schedule.

[Berner_Faith]

I don't feel there is a real answer for this question...with my current boyfriend, I knew him and his kids prior to him and his wife going their seperate ways (his wife called it off, saying she has not been happy for over 2 years...), at the time, he actually lived with my parents as he was in town working short term and needed a place to stay... when they first seperated, he would bring the kids to my parents house, and I treated those kids then, the same way I do now... we started dating a few months after they seperated, and I guess the children never really had a choice in our situation, however, the kids and I already had a good relationship...
She introduced a new man about 5 months after their seperation... he is great with the kids and the kids to really like him... I guess my best answer would be, as long as the kids are comfortable with the situation, then there should be no reason for the ex to oppose. The way I look at it, is that there is just another person to love and support the children.

[wretchedotis]

This is kind of a pointless question.
I mean, of course it is not if all parties are willing to get along and try to do whats best for the chldren.

By my point is - I would bet its a losing arguement if you bring it up to your ex.
He/She will most likely discount your opinion as irrelevent - as they no doubt feel they are being responsable and considerate to the kids.

I doubt you would be able to convince him to stop bringing 'Jane' around.
It's probably best just to keep your opinion to yourself and avoid conflict.

[May_May]

Agreed with Mess. I saw a show many years ago from a counsellor (I think Joe Rich ?) and he said that you should wait about a year to see if your relationship is stable before introducing the partner with your children. I think that is sound advice.
If it's not stable, why stay in it ? Isn't that why we all ended up separated/divorced in the firs place ?

That being said, it sounds like 'Jane' is being nice, kind with your children and that is especially important.

I imagine that at some point it will be hard to deal with on your end as it is probably for everyone who will have to deal with their ex being with another partner, and inroducing them to your children. Good luck...

[Rioe]

For me, the hard part would be the double standard. He is allowed to bring Jane to the house you live in half the time and still own, and he criticizes you when you have platonic male friends over? Sounds like you need to sit down and have a discussion about not judging each other's post-separation personal lives, and coming to an agreement about 'adult' friends coming over. Get rid of the double standard.

Good luck!

[inseperationhell]

Rioe - that is what is bothering me - the double standard. I called to say goodnight to the kids today and "Jane" was there. The kids say she is nice, I deep down have no problem with her being there - I was the one who called the marriage off and he has a right to move on. Actually happy if he can move on because that will likely diminish some of the crap and abuse I have suffered both during the marriage and post seperation.

I know that "Jane" was in his life before we seperated - water under the bridge as far as I am concerned. But I have been accused of having affairs as well (which is lies but inconsequential in the grand scheme of things) - a few good platonic male friends that I hang with every once in a while and I am cheating because I cannot as a woman possibly have male friends while being married (or so I was told).

I can't talk to him - we don't communicate well - I get accused and yelled out. Was told I should have no friends over as I am damaging and confusing the kids.

All I think is what is if he can have a girlfriend over, I should be able to have friends over....Being a newfound single Mom is alienating and lonely - both when I have the kids and when I don't. Just want to surround myself with help and friends.

[billm]

Mind your own business, you can't do anything about it, so let him decide when it is appropriate.

Ignore his comments about what you do, and you decide what is appropriate for who you introduce to the kids.

You are wasting your time thinking about this, let it go.