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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 09-29-2017, 03:17 PM
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A friend of mine has recently announced her granddaughter (20) is having a baby. Congratulations all round and I attended a lovely baby shower in hers and the impeding new arrivals honour.

My friend approached and asked me what should her grand daughter do?

Background: boyfriend was not happy about the pregnancy and " dumped" her stating he wanted nothing to do with the " kid". She chose to keep the pregnancy and has lots of family support, not financial, but she will live with her parents and has a big extended support of family and friends.

Birth is approaching and again dad has himself a new girlfriend and wants nothing to do with any of this. His parents on the other hand want to be involved and have approached the soon to be Mom,and said they want some custody on a regular basis.

So my friend asked me what they should do.

I did say go speak with a lawyer and see what legally your options are. I am not sure they will do so, as money is fairly tight.

I asked if she was expecting child support and she had not really considered it as he was very low pay, working part time and she had just graduated with her nursing diploma.

I also said that his parents have no rights, but if they are supportive it would be morally right to include them in the child's life.

That being said I also suggested she seek sole custody of the child immediately.

Thoughts?
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Old 09-29-2017, 03:55 PM
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She should have had an abortion. Bringing a child into this world against the wishes of a parent is morally crappy thing to do. However, given that it was her decision to keep the child, then she should at the very least assume financial responsibility.

This is 2017, and women are capable of being responsible for their own decisi....

...haha, just kidding. I wouldn't seriously suggest that mothers be financially responsible for their decisions.

Mom will get child support. Why on earth turn down free money? In terms of tactics, it is clever to get sole custody first, then go for child support after. That way you can ensure that the father is never part of the child's life. Imagine if the father had a change of heart? Without sole custody, the kid might get torn between both parents!
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Old 09-29-2017, 05:24 PM
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Well I would say your answer is a little scarastic. I was asking more on the lines of involving the bio fathers parents. But sure why turned down free money. Dad could also grow some in the next few years and decide he wants to be part of the child's life. Whether or not Mom has sole or has received CS or not.

I guess everyone opinion will be biased by their own experience. Legally, morally or just plain smart decisions need to be made I would think.

Last edited by Beachnana; 09-29-2017 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 09-29-2017, 07:07 PM
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legally and morally the father needs to contribute financially to teh raising of the child even if he wants nothing to do with the child. As to whether or not he should be on the birth certificate, I dont know. REally the most important thing is to go see a lawyer, or legal aid, or some cities have low cost clinics. Some provinces have a free 1 hour session on family law issues, that may or may not be a lawyer, but will be people who in this area.
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Old 09-30-2017, 12:57 AM
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I think it is positive that the bio grandparents want to be involved with their grandchild's life. They may be a very solid source of support in the future. Why discourage this. The child can't have too many people who love and support him/her.
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Old 09-30-2017, 01:14 AM
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The guy can't be allowed to shirk his responsibilities to the child just because he's not the one with the womb. Get the CS; even if it isn't much of anything now, who knows what his earning potential could be later. He's giving men a bad name here.

It seems like sole custody would be easy for her to get. If he's not interested in access, he probably won't be interested in decision-making.

As for the other set of grandparents, and the whole paternal set of relatives, it's going to be important for the child to know that half of her family, and if the dad isn't going to do it, maybe his parents will. Treat them like you would any family member; determine how responsible they would be with the child, and how much you would trust them to look after the baby, then decide how much time to give them based on that.

In a few years, maybe this will change. Maybe he'll show some maturity, maybe his parents will work on him, who knows, but meanwhile, at least the kid is getting the financial support she has a right to from him, and the grandparents are providing an important paternal family sense of belonging.
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Old 09-30-2017, 10:59 AM
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The fathers parents are trying to do the right thing and want to be involved in the childs life. Nothing wrong with having two sets of grandparents in the childs life.

I know a woman whose son is basically a loser. In and out of jail, ODed a half a dozen times and is basically in with the wrong crowd. Has been in fights, stabbed, and basically is on a road to nowhere except death or jail. He has a child that the mother/court refuses him to have access to due to his ongoing issues and refusal to enter rehab or get his life together. The grandma in this case gets the child the first friday of every month for the weekend with the understanding that the son shall not be allowed to be around when she has the child.

The mother in this instance could do something along the same line. Allow the grandparents one weekend a month (or every other weekend) and that would give her some free time to go out with friends or have some time to pamper herself or whatever. I can only see good things with allowing the grandparents to spend some quality time with the child.

Ask your friend how she would feel if roles were reversed. That is if she had a son who got a girl pregnant. Would she want to see that child?
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Old 10-01-2017, 03:26 AM
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Quote:
Allow the grandparents one weekend a month (or every other weekend)
That seems like a lot of time. My children dont see their grandparents that much. The average intact family doesnt send their kids to grandma and grandpa's house 1 whole weekend a month for each set of grandparents. Why not see them and cultivate a relaionships with them, just as you would other wise (assuming healthy normal people who are mot harmful), with some visits to your house, and you to theirs sometimes to visit with baby, or have them babysit on occasion, then when a toddler, stay and grandmas for the night on occasion. My oldest child was 4 years old before stayed overnight at grandmas without me, although that was mostly because live in different places
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Old 10-01-2017, 07:37 PM
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Our son stayed at his grandparents place regularly since he was 1.5 y.o. (with ex's parents who lived in another town). We preferred this to hiring babysitters even though it was a lengthy drive. While I didn't see eye-to-eye with my inlaws I recognized that our son was in excellent care. I was grateful for their involvement over the years which gave my then-husband and I lots of time for weekend trips to the mountains or to just hang out together sans child. When my son became a teenager he would take the bus from the city to the grandparent's home (1.5 hr bus ride). Son would stay with grandparents for a week at a time in the summer and often went out to visit them for the weekend. We never forced this. This is what he wanted to do (loved grandma's cooking).

Son's friends also spent plenty of time (weekends or weeks in summer) at grandparents. This is not abnormal. This fosters relations with extended family and also gives parents a time to renew their relationship with each other without kids around. Also a great time to tend to home renovations.

I grew up with no grandparents (they had passed away before I was born). I used to be quite envious of friends who had grandparents.

Don't deny your children this opportunity.
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Old 10-01-2017, 09:54 PM
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I'm extremely close to my parents and my step kids see my parents at least once a month if not more. My nieces visit my parents every other weekend usually. Not always staying over night but we are a close knit family and we spend a lot of weekends together. There are huge benefits of children building relationships with their grandparents and once a month isn't unreasonable


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