unsure of how to proceed.

[browneyedgirl]

Hi all, this may be a bit long.. anyhow, my ex of 3yrs is now back in the province . he has not contacted me in over a year and just started emailing me the last few days, and lastnight informed me hes in ontario and has been for over a week now. he says he wants to work on himself, and our friendship, which im fine with. however when i asked where he is, he wont tell me. i am doing my best to keep things civil between us, but i am worried he is trying to play himself off as mr.nice guy and string me along (he did this previously when he first moved to BC 2.5 yrs ago and withheld his address from me for 4months). any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[blinkandimgone]

What exactly is your question? Custody? Getting back together? Finding out where he lives?

[browneyedgirl]

custody is mine, theres no way im getting back with him lol and im just unsure of how to proceed if he refuses to give me information as to where he is. sorry, forgot to explain it a little further.

[dinkyface]

... and what is it that YOU want?

[browneyedgirl]

i want a lot of things for my daughter, shes only coming up to 3 soon and has had no contact from him in any way since she was 6months old. i want him to have a relationship with her, at my and her pace since he is basically a stranger to her right now. id like him to get a job finally, and contribute to her in a meaningful way, to consistently be in her life. he knows he has a lot of work to do long before he see's her at all. as of now, he has still refused to tell me where he is, by not responding to my emails. i dont want to push him but at the same time i dont want to get the run around again.

[dinkyface]

The quickest way to get him involved with her is to start pressing him for CS payments. But that's the nasty adversarial approach. From the little you give, it doesn't sound like he's very trustworthy i.e. that an open, genuine cooperative negotiation approach will work. But berhaps he is being driven by fear, and you can help with that?

[browneyedgirl]

i wish i could get CS from him but hes on assistance so legally he doesnt have to pay me a dime. hes not very trust worthy, the longest hes kept contact with me has been maybe 2 weeks (when we werent fighting bc of court and all that just after he left). he says he wants to better himself for our daughter, but i know he wont work, bc that would mean CS payments. he could be driven by fear, his own father did the same to him but was gone 16yrs so i know he knows what its like to not have a dad. my daugter is perfectly happy, she has father figures in her life(my father, my brother, great uncles). i know its not the same as a dad, but i know if i allowed him to see her(which i dont plan on at all unless hes shown me hes changed and is working etc and even that will likely take about a year for him to really prove himself considering hes never held down a job longer than 5months) it would not go well for her.

[beebie]

and what a great role model he would be for your kid!

Who gives a sh-- if he won't disclose his address ...as if enforcement agencies couldn't find him if he files a tax return to get the GST rebate.

Walk away.

[billiechic]

you cant force someone to be a father. And this guy doesnt sound like he knows what he wants at all. If he contacts you again, give him clear stipulations of what you expect him to do if he wants to be involved in her life (get a job, pay CS, visiting times etcs). You can give him the benefit of the doubt, but I wouldn"t expect much.

[Teenwolf]

Originally Posted by browneyedgirl

i wish i could get CS from him but hes on assistance so legally he doesnt have to pay me a dime.

When was the last time he gave you a copy of his income tax return? This guy sounds a lot like my GF's ex; he is always saying that he is dead broke and can't work, but he refuses to submit income tax returns. Even when he has been ordered to do so. If he has nothing to hide, then why behave this way?

As discussed in another thread, don't assume that he's not obligated to pay CS due to being on social assistance.