Total lack of information and visitation

[rossn]

Hi All,

I really need to get some advice from you. I have been separated for 3.5 years and officially divorced for over a year now.

We have an agreement whereby we have joint 50/50 custody, however there is a clause that the children now 15 and 11 have say in whether or not to visit.

Problem is that since the separation (I left her due to emotional/mental abuse) I rarely see my children, the last time I saw them was boxing day 2010 at my parents for an hour, the last time they were at my house (the matrimonial home) was years ago.

My ex refuses to communicate in any fashion, phone, email, sms, letters, lawyers. I have absolutely zero knowledge regarding them in all aspects of there lives physical, mental, scholastic or social and in fact my daughter 15 was admitted to the hospital for anorexia which I found out through a general broadcast to my family (since then she refuses to divulge any information or return any communcation)

What are my options?
Can I sue her?
Bring contempt of court?

I just want to see my kids and the longer this goes on the less likely any sort of relationship can be kept or forged

Thanks

R

[standing on the sidelines]

you should have tried fighting this a long time ago, right at the start when it all started. You could try court but with that clause that was put in all she and the kids have to do is say they dont want to see you and you may be up the creek without a paddle

[staysingle]

Satndingon thesidelines, unfortunately, is very correct that early intervention in parental alienation is most important. Having said that you need a plan.

I suggest you immediately start organizing all your attempts (emails, letters, phone calls etc) to make contact with your children from the beginning of your separation till now!

If you make a run at this in family court you will need to be hyper-organized in showing all attempts at making contact with your children were rebuffed.

This is a huge commitment on your part if you pursue this. You can be have a succesful outcome with this matter if you understand and see the challenges pursuing this will entail

I wish I could be of more help, at this point, with technically how to form a battle plan but there will be hundreds of important details in your story to process.

Best of luck

[ddol1]

Tayken posted an excellent thread on this subject - it also put a link onto an Ontario Gor=vernment study (88 pages). You will need to attack this in every way possible - thought crossed my mind:

This will almost be like taking your children to court...... in their minds I believe. While you are taking steps that will be your best attempt at fixing this I wonder if you have a family member who has access to the children?

You have a chance to write them a letter, tell them how you miss them and you would so very much would like to be a part of their lives again. Make it as to what they will gain, not in what you want - you would need to approach this from their current state of mind. In person would be better but you have indicated this is not possible at this time - or is it? Do you have access to some form of outside help - someone who is knowledgeable in this area? They would be indispensable in helping you fight this from every angle. Start with your family doctor.

It will be a huge uphill struggle if your ex is indeed guilty of PAS - the destruction this causes everyone envolved is tremendous. You will understand this so much more once you read the paper on PAS. I am living this myself today and we all are living under the same roof and it is like I am not even alive these days..... What hurts is that I have done nothing to deserve this but I thought I was going delusional, until I was introduced to PAS, how it works and how easily children's perseptions can be changed if one parent is so selfish as to hurt her own children in this manner.

I am sorry I was gender specific - PAS can be from either parent but it si shown that overwhelmingly it is of the parent with custody - as the paper stated, women still retain custody in many cases - Men can be equally guilty however.

[baldclub]

Originally Posted by ddol1

Tayken posted an excellent thread on this subject - it also put a link onto an Ontario Gor=vernment study (88 pages). You will need to attack this in every way possible

Can you fix/post the link please?

[ddol1]

Here are some links - you will need to paste them manually. Shall figure out one day how the link is made where one just needs to just click - but what counts today is that they work!!!

Takayen does appear to have a very strong understanding of the "dynamics" envolved here - it is such a complex chain of events that got you where you are today - it will not an easy road out.

My circumstance: I could hear what she was saying to our children, almost ever other sentence so obviously slander to the nth degree and the children adamently denied being told any such thing...... but her words were absorbed like sponges in water. The more I attempted to defend myself of the lies, which are now so entrenched, the more this whole sordid (google this word - driving home the message better than a thoudand words....) the more this whole sordid mess became "real" to them. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that PAS exists. No doubt that PAS has the power to destroy families, destroy lives and for the ostracized parent, the will to continue.......

the ontario PAS paper link:
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/hap2004.pdf

Main thread:
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...er-kids-10255/

search link : Parental Alienation:
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/s...earchid=334755

[baldclub]

Thanks so much my Friend!

[baldclub]

OMG!!!

I quote from the first link on HAP:

In the area of gender and the abuse and maltreatment of children, some research has revealed the following:

• That children who live with only their mothers are nine times more likely to have conflict with their mother than if they lived with only their father.

• That children were more then twice as likely to have no contact with the other parent when they lived with their mother.

• That children living with dads felt positively about moms; children living with moms were more likely to think negatively of dads.

• That mothers are almost five times as likely to badmouth dads as dads are moms.

• That of children killed by single parents, single mothers are 24 times more likely to kill children than dads.

• That in the majority of the cases of parental alienation syndrome, it is the mother who is favoured and the father denigrated.

• Even when the father and mother had equal income, the children who were with their dad full-time did better than those with their moms full-time.

• 42% of children said their mothers tried to prevent them from seeing their fathers after divorce - 16% said their fathers tried to prevent them seeing their mothers.

• In relation to perpetrators of child abuse and maltreatment, the table below shows that approximately two-fifths (40.3%) of child victims were maltreated by their mothers acting alone; another 19.1 percent were maltreated by their fathers acting alone, a significant difference.

[baldclub]

Published by
Family Conflict Resolution Services
Box 61027 Maple Grove P.O., Oakville, Ontario Canada L6J 7P5
Release date – May 10, 2004.
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/hap2004.pdf

[pokeman]

well just thinking and typing ... i'd write them a nice letter each , put in a nice picture of you and them together or something for them to remember back, put in a stampled envelope with your return address a pen and single piece of paper (cause kids are lazy) and just ask them to write you and tell you how they are doing ... maybe include some fun things you can do together if they would visit ...

drop it off at their school, maybe try and arrange to meet their teachers at a parent teacher interview first so perhaps they'll make sure it gets delivered;

its a start ... if you dont hear back then try something else - be positive and cheery as possible


your not alone

i've seen too much of 'forgotten fathers' first hand , my X up and moved out of the city , Judge said 'oh, that isnt that far' - so I spend about 6 hours driving (+more in winter) on my 48hr weekend

when children resided with me mother just 'accused' me of deleting a child's email and mother got a 'police enforcable order' yet my oldest daughter drew me a nice picture and wrote on it 'dad, this is for your office - love you' she then spent 2 weeks with her mother and nolonger speaks to me - nothing in 2011, she changed her last name to her mothers maiden name. Judge, couldnt care less ...

I am in Calgary Alberta Canada what I believe is the last stronghold of discrimination against fathers in Canada , generating yet another cycle
of 'forgotten fathers'