Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 10:56 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 373
Teddie is on a distinguished road
Default Slapping Kids in the Face

My ex wife and I share our two sons 50/50 on a week on week off basis. My oldest son who is now in grade 7 came to me last year and asked for help because his mother kept slapping him in the face when she was angry with him. On one occassion he came home with a cut lip. At that time there was also a lot of fighting in the home between her and her boyfriend. One of the fights woke up my 4 year old and he claims he saw his mother and partner physically fighting. I called cas, they investigated and met with her, the kids, and then myself and my girlfriend. The cas could not give me any details of the interactions or recommendations that were made to me ex. They did assure me that I did the right thing by calling. Right after the cas was called her boyfriend hit the road, not sure why.

Fast forward to a year later. She has been dating a new guy who seemed to be a lot better with the kids until recently. The kids have complained that he is very grumpy and although not physically abusive, mentally abusive and threatening with my oldest son. His relationship with their mother has recently been on-again off-again according to my kids. My kids have reported to me that he screams and yells a lot, curses a lot when angry and recently threw one of the kids bikes across the garage breaking it. He told their mother in front of them that he would like to slap my oldest across the back of his head etc etc. At the same time as all of this is going on, my oldest is complaining that he is being hit by his mother again. The lastest incident he claims he was smacked across the face five times in a row and left with a bad headache. At that point I called his mom and she denied everything but I know that she is lying. The next time my son saw her, she berated him and called him an "asshole" and a "dummy" for telling his father. He came back to me yesterday with a cut lip that he says is from her; I am ready to call the police.

When my ex and I were married she always did have a bad temper and on a couple of occassions I had to step between her and my oldest son. Since we split, her already bad temper has gotten worse and the guys she takes up with all seem to have bad tempers too from what I am hearing.

I don't hit my kids, and I have never had to resort to violence and name calling to get my kids to listen. Why she is hitting my son is beyond me but I can't tolerate it; its only a matter of time before someone gets hurt.

I have to act today but I don't know who I should call. Everyone I talk to says something different. Any advice would be helpful. Should I take him to a youth counselling service....reason I ask is if he tells them about the abuse, a report coming from them may hold more weight than coming from an ex-husband. My son doesn't want to get his mother in trouble but I think its mainly because he is afraid of her.
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 11:29 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 3,726
HammerDad will become famous soon enough
Default

I'd take him to a counsellor or your doctor to get them to speak to the boy. If you can't, I'd call CAS again.

I know it sucks for your son, but if he is being abused, you need to do what you can to protect him. He will have to speak up and it will be hard on him. Be supportive help him through this. But get him to see someone who is a mandatory reporter.
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 11:47 AM
Tayken's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,563
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

CAS is blitzing the advertising on TV with the following:

Kids say… - listening to kids can help spot abuse

As this thread contains an allegation of abuse against a child I recommend that the proper authorities and agencies become engaged to resolve this matter.
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 01:14 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,775
dad2bandm is on a distinguished road
Default

I'd take HammerDad's advice, and to have a 3rd party speak to the child about it. If the 3rd party can report something, that may have some traction. ex. child speaking to Dr. or counsellor directly.

Good luck trying to report anything yourself, as you will immediately be taken as a parent trying to cause friction, with the "ex", with false concerns, and have no traction. My "ex" called me names 'stupid', 'jackass', etc...right in front of a CAS worker (her's), while our daughter was present, in their office, during a meeting, and they did "nothing". They warned her, that they might have to reschedule the meeting, if she can't behave herself. Apparently, this didn't lend any weight to my concerns, since that's the stuff she'll say in front of them, in their office, but the stuff she says when they are not around, is not a concern?

My "ex" slapped her son, right in front of me and my daughter, during drop-off. Son is bawling, we are schocked, and CAS did "nothing". Because it was a he-said, she-said, situation.

Good luck.
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 03:21 PM
Tayken's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,563
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dad2bandm View Post
Good luck trying to report anything yourself, as you will immediately be taken as a parent trying to cause friction, with the "ex", with false concerns, and have no traction.
This is a result of the clinical scales and the underlying practice directions of the Children's Aid Society that govern their investigations. Basically, if a parent is the origin of the complaint, there is weighting applied that puts the balance of probabilities that abuse has occurred right off the bat into the favour of the non-complaining parent.

I posted the full details on how CAS operates in another thread and their practice requirements and exactly how they evaluate abuse claims.
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 04:05 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 373
Teddie is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
This is a result of the clinical scales and the underlying practice directions of the Children's Aid Society that govern their investigations. Basically, if a parent is the origin of the complaint, there is weighting applied that puts the balance of probabilities that abuse has occurred right off the bat into the favour of the non-complaining parent.

I posted the full details on how CAS operates in another thread and their practice requirements and exactly how they evaluate abuse claims.
When I filed a complaint with CAS last year they met with my ex and the children and then with the children and I. I would rather avoid calling them again although I had no problem with them last time. Unfortunately, calling them made an already tough situation tougher as my ex became increasingly hostile and difficult to deal with afterwards.

I know that slapping a child in the face is wrong but nothing near what other kids in this city are going through. I feel like cas will do little to help the situation at this point and a doctor or counsellor is a better route to go.

My son has asked me to not contact cas and wants me to deal with the matter personally. He is worried about what will happen to his mom which is understandable at his age, but ultimately the responsibility lies with me to make the best decision. My ex and I are supposed to have a talk about the situation tonight.

My gut tells me to try and handle this "in-house", get my son to speak to his counsellor and then if there are more instances he can tell me or the counsellor and we will report it.

It's a very tough spot to be in. I don't agree with slapping a child in the face but in some cultures and some families it is an acceptable form of punishment unfortunately. In the eyes of the cas it is abuse, but, not as severe a form of abuse as they too often see.

I know my son is getting fed up and I won't be surprised if he decides to live with me full time at some point.

Last edited by Teddie; 11-20-2012 at 04:08 PM.
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 04:32 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Hamilton
Posts: 3,726
HammerDad will become famous soon enough
Default

In some cultures splashing acid on a girls face for nothing else than looking at someone is fine also....but luckily we are a touch more involved.

Going to a councellor is a good choice. If they have an issue, they can report it as a mandatory reporter.

I am not sure I would contact the ex on this as it would likely enflame the matter, making your sons and your life tougher...I'd provide a ton of support to your son, remind him that hitting is not ok not matter who does it. And that should he need you, you are only a phone call away.

Calling CAS is still an option though. And as much as your son may not like it, for fear and out of a false sense of protection, it may be necessary. Ultimately, you have to protect your kid. If I were in this situation, I don't know how I'd react though....I have a feeling I'd likely make mistakes by allowing my anger to get the best of me.
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 04:42 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 373
Teddie is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
In some cultures splashing acid on a girls face for nothing else than looking at someone is fine also....but luckily we are a touch more involved.

Going to a councellor is a good choice. If they have an issue, they can report it as a mandatory reporter.

I am not sure I would contact the ex on this as it would likely enflame the matter, making your sons and your life tougher...I'd provide a ton of support to your son, remind him that hitting is not ok not matter who does it. And that should he need you, you are only a phone call away.

Calling CAS is still an option though. And as much as your son may not like it, for fear and out of a false sense of protection, it may be necessary. Ultimately, you have to protect your kid. If I were in this situation, I don't know how I'd react though....I have a feeling I'd likely make mistakes by allowing my anger to get the best of me.
That's the tricky part, trying to engage her in a conversation that involves her admitting that she did something wrong. I have told my son that if he ever needs anything that he can call me whether it be from home or from school if she won't allow the phone call.

I know what your saying about anger; I have a hard time controlling my anger after listening to my son bawl his eyes out when he comes back to me. My youngest, who is 5 has also seen too much and I pray that he doesn't start to treat people like his mother does.

This afternoon I got on the phone and made arrangements for my son to speak with a counsellor that he has dealt with in the past.
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 05:37 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 67
rhondagirl is on a distinguished road
Default

Tough situation. Glad there will be a counsellor involved. I think it's important to (a) show your kids the right/responsible way to handle things, and (b) show them that they can count on you to act for them, or give them direction (such as setting up the appointment)... asap.

Hope all goes well for everyone.
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2012, 06:05 PM
NBDad's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New Brunswick
Posts: 2,734
NBDad is on a distinguished road
Default

Proper process:

If the kid returns with cuts/bruises/etc that he says are from your ex, you take him to emergency/walk-in...that second.

Then you call the police and the cas after hours, in that order.

Then you get the kid to a counsellor. The doc is legally obligated by his professional governing body to report abuse, and it looks tons better coming from a neutral mandatory reporter.

I've fielded 4 separate false abuse allegations in the last year because my ex doesn't like the word no. Right way and wrong way to handle this. I've told you the right way.
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Increase access to my kids salsero12 Divorce & Family Law 0 11-15-2011 06:06 PM
Someone please help me Aveariel Divorce & Family Law 12 09-08-2011 06:57 PM
Where Do I Go From Here? lorlaman Common Law Issues 9 08-08-2011 10:46 PM
Help with CS and time with kids deanp Financial Issues 1 01-26-2011 05:49 PM
Help! Many Questions! sophiejay43 Divorce & Family Law 5 06-24-2009 07:22 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:08 AM.