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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 10-01-2017, 07:13 PM
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Question One on one time with children in parenting plan

Have any of you included a clause in your parental agreement that states that you could spend 1 on 1 time with each of your kids during your ex's custodial time.
Example:
- Several kids are on a 50/50 schedule
- dad will pick up each children individually 3 times a year during mom's time for 4 hours to do a special activity with the child that require individual attention.
- mom will pick up each children individually 3 times a year during dad's time for 4 hours to do a special activity with the child that require individual attention (special shopping spree, teach him how to swim or bicycle or whatever, go do an age appropriate activity that the other kids are too old or too young to do).

What do you think of the idea? How would you state it ? Would you accept it if it was one sided (ex: a privilege for dad but not for mom?)

Thanks
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Old 10-01-2017, 07:47 PM
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This is way too regimental in my opinion. It reeks of dictating to the other parent what they have to do and when they have to do it. This is not going to fly...

If someone wants little or nothing to do with their children there is nothing you can do about it. Sad. But that is your reality. You can't force them to want to be with their children. You have no right to dictate what the other parent does with the child while in their care. It is unreasonable and totally unrealistic to force your views on the other parent.

You'd be better to focus your energy on how the two parents can foster a better parenting relationship with each other.... recognize and respect the other parent's concerns... effective communication... understand that you are divorced for a reason and the other parent likely totally disagrees with anything you are going to propose.... You can't control this!
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Old 10-01-2017, 08:01 PM
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Thank you. I am not sure I understand your response 100%.
(Controling) dad is the one who is asking for this. He wants this privilege only to apply to himself, not to me (mom). I feel he wants to infringe on "my" time with the kids and it is a way for him to keep controlling what I do on "my" weekends with them.
Should I just reject the proposition (my initial reaction) or should I ask for an equal "one on one privilege" for me ?
+ Does it work in practice?
Having multiple kids it would mean more than 12 one on one visits at least between the two of us...
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Old 10-01-2017, 08:48 PM
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You went to court or agreed on a parenting schedule. I'd stick to it. It goes without saying that parents should be reasonable with each other. Ideally, you should be able to send each other an email and request a special time (grandmother's bday which falls on the other parent's time) from each other. This is something you both would know in advance.

I don't understand "several kids" are on a 50/50 schedule statement.

What does this refer to: - mom will pick up each children individually 3 times a year during dad's time for 4 hours to do a special activity with the child that require individual attention (special shopping spree, teach him how to swim or bicycle or whatever, go do an age appropriate activity that the other kids are too old or too young to do)?


I'd keep it simple and follow the agreement.

These are kind of petty matters don't you think? (Shopping sprees, teaching a kid how to ride a bike, etc.) - all activities that can be done one one's own parenting time. After-all, you have 50-50 correct?
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Old 10-01-2017, 09:13 PM
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Ok, again, I am not the one asking for this. I agree it is unnecessarily complicating things but this is the proposal from my ex that I have to respond to.
We are still in mediation with no agreement yet (a year post breakup) and dad is very hung up on this 1:1 thing.
He wants the opportunity to have time with each kid individually on top of having them together 50% of the time.
So he wants all the kids on "his" weekends as usual and in addition he wants the opportunity to pick up 1 kid at the time on "my" weekends so he can do individual activities with that one kid. He says otherwise it is impossible for him to teach the kids how to bicycle or swim for example.
I suspect it is more a way for him to keep a control on "my" weekends (it was an abusive relationship) but maybe he really wants to make sure he can get quality time with each kids individually... I don't know...
He says it is in the best interest of the children to get this quality time with him.
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Old 10-01-2017, 09:57 PM
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Tell him no way on your weekend I would definitely see it as controlling,
Have it set up one day of the week say Tuesday from 4-7 or what ever time time /day works for both and alternate each week or every 3rd Tuesday of the month that way you both get one on one time with the kids
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Old 10-01-2017, 09:59 PM
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One on one time is never a bad thing but I don't think it needs to be in an agreement. If Dad requested to take one child for a few hours I don't see why you would deny it, especially if it was only once in a while. We had my step son this weekend as he has requested to spend an extra weekend a month with us as he wanted more time with us. We enjoyed our one on one time with him


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Old 10-01-2017, 10:10 PM
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My schedule with the kids fits in one-on-one time with each kid (it's helpful to have only the two - it would be much harder with three) on a regular basis. We each get a kid all to ourselves for a day by exchanging one kid in the morning and the other kid in the afternoon. It's great to spend that one on one time with each kid, doing age appropriate things, or doing things that one kid loves and one kid hates, etc. I love it.

It's hard to get that otherwise, especially with young children. An intact family could easily have one kid stay home with mom while another kid went on an errand with dad, or have one parent take one kid to an activity while the other kid stayed home with the other parent. It's much harder as a single parent to find that one-on-one time, as you must are always bring all the kids everywhere you go.

I wouldn't mess around with the 50-50 though. Keep the time fair as best you can. If he gets one kid on your time, reverse it the next time so that you get one kid on his time. Don't make it always happen that he gets one of the kids on your time. If you have a difficult and controlling ex, you have to keep things very fair and regimented.
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Old 10-01-2017, 10:12 PM
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Perhaps, like the rest of the world, he can simply hire a sitter during his time, so he focus on one kid in particular. No reason to encroach onto your time.
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Old 10-01-2017, 10:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mcdreamy View Post
Perhaps, like the rest of the world, he can simply hire a sitter during his time, so he focus on one kid in particular. No reason to encroach onto your time.

The best solution of all I think!
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