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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 07-14-2009, 12:18 PM
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Default Need solid advice

First of all thank you in advance, my story is quite messy and in depth.

I am British and moved here in 1991 with my then 3 year old son to follow my ex husband. I was very young and quite naive, and did not realise once I had stepped on Canadian soil with my son, I had signed away my right to go back home.

So, I stayed here to raise my son, who is now 20 almost 21 and heading off to University in Sept to Toronto. He is on a set path and doing fabulously well. His entire paternal side of the family is here and truly supported.

I have made some bad choices in my life (men) because of the home sickness. I met an abusive alcoholic man, somehow convinced myself he was OK. Got pregnant, wanted to do the right thing for my unborn child and married him. I have since learned this was a huge error.

After my son was born, the abuse escalated. I ended the relationship with police intervention. I was on mat leave and in no fit state mentally to go back to work at that time. My counsellor advised me to take our son into an emergency shelter. To protect us both. I did. I found a job, got back on my feet and ended up in a decent home.

I am very capable of making excellent $'s and maintaining my work. I am in Human Resources Management believe it or not. I am educated but obviously not enough. He has grade 10 and is OK with that.

The court allows him to see our son every other Saturday for 2 hours supervised. Mediation has put other provisions in there also. I was laid off at the end of February. And now we may lose our home and belongings.

I asked my ex if he would allow me to go back to the UK with our son, I have oodles of loving, supportive family there. I said our son could come for summers and stay with his grandparents and he could skype. And I would hold that promise for my sons sake and his brother and grand parents. He has flatly refused and is refusing to talk with me.

He misses visits, he doesn't pay support regularly and cuts visits short, usually because of a hang over or other plans. My youngest son sees his big brother more frequently and has more of a bond and relationship than with his own father. He has seen his paternal grand parents once so far this year, they are 4 hours drive away.

I have no family support and am terrified we will end up in a shelter. I do not know what to do. I did have a restraining order which I allowed to lapse. He is now with someone else and when not mad with me tells me how the relationship is about to end. She has sent me numerous abusive emails about the whole situation which I have not responded too. I have never even met her.

I want my young son to have the same opportunities my eldest has had, a solid loving family support network around him, education and above all else safety.

I want what is right for my wee guy, how can this situation be right. I appreciate any constructuve input. Thank you.
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Old 07-14-2009, 08:06 PM
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You son is legally an adult. You are not bound by a custody or access order nor is your son. )Our ex will still have to pay support to you for son while he is full time student I presume. Don't ask, just TELL your ex you are going. Don't worry about it. G
ood luck
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Old 07-14-2009, 08:12 PM
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Hi There

My first son is not an issue, it's my second son who is now 3 years old. They are 17 years apart LOL. You think I would have learned the first time around. If you you the entire thread the story becomes apparent. Thanks
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Old 07-31-2009, 02:14 PM
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I think you have a very good chance of being granted permission to move from a Judge.

I kept good records for the past two years on my ex's constant cancellations, lateness, comments to the kids, etc. I also recorded when school was closed on snow days, when they were sick and couldn't go to school and how he (ex) refused to take a sick day to take care of them so I could go to work......I was always the one to stay home with them.

My family lives 4hrs away. They adore my two kids and have been begging me to move closer so they could help with caring for them.

I was going to go to court to get the permission to move - ex said he wouldn't allow it. My lawyer said it was about 95% in my favour that they'd allow it.

The love and security of extended family goes a LONG way in the eyes of a Judge. Especially if you are weighing it against a father who is inconsistent and not active in their lives.

You are the primary caregiver - it makes sense that it is in the 'best interest of the kids' that you have the support you need in helping the kids in order to help you be the best mom you can be to them.

I think its worth the fight - take out a loan, do what you have to do. My lawyer told me it'd be about a 3 month process from start to finish - didn't get an exact quote on $$.

In the end for me, my ex signed the paperwork allowing me to go - he knew it was best for the kids and also knew he'd lose if it went to court and cost both of us money.

i hope your situation turns out as great as mine did - I'm moving within a month's time and can't wait to be near my parents!!

Good luck!
Becca
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Old 07-31-2009, 02:40 PM
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the only thing I would be worried about is the bond that the two brothers have. How do each of them feel about the distance?
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Old 07-31-2009, 03:33 PM
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Thanks so much for your support Becca :-D My first priority is to find a job, it's been so stressful. Then once employed again, I will start the legal paperwork to move back home. It's ironic, it's been my family supporting us thru the lay off not my ex husband or his family. They have all gone silent. I am documenting away and will continue to do so. Such a shame my ex just does not get it or the beauty in our gorgeous smart wee boy :-D I am so thrilled for you that you will be reunited with your family again. It makes such a difference to our own well being. That cushion of love and added security.

Thanks again Becca
Sam
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Old 07-31-2009, 03:39 PM
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I worry about that too, and also have a knot in my stomach about my eldest. I have talked to him briefly about it. He wants us to move to Toronto, that I can understand. I need to continue thinking about the long term ramifications for both my boys. I just know that staying in Calgary is not the answer for us at all. My best friend resides in Halifax NS. 4 hour flight to UK, has a solid bond with both my boys. We Skype daily. 1.5 hour flight to Toronto. It seems to be a happy medium for everyone. My ex hasn't seen our little boy in over a month. No contact from his grandparents. My family in the UK on the other hand are calling 2 or 3 times a week. I know I sound all over the place, I think my circumstances at the moment are leaving me unable to plan for our future. Being laid off and looking for work is my main focus.
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