Need help advice desperately

[Fedupwithcrap]

My ex husband and I have been separated for almost 6 years.
We have 4 daughters together, the 2 youngest children are 12 and 10 years old.we have a separation agreement and court order determining custody and access. the 2 older girls are grown women
I have custody of the girls, my ex husband has access to the girl EOW from Saturday mornings at 10:00 until Sundays at 4:00. He has christmas access from december 25th at noon until December 30th.He is to call them Mondays, Wednesdays and Friday's at 7:00pm
There is also a court order in place stating the girls are allowed to have their cell phones with them.
It specifically states the girls are allowed to text or call their mother of they wish to do so. If he takes their cell phones then the girls must be returned to their mother immediately. (this order was brought in due to ex husband repeatedly smashing the girls phones if he felt like it)
The girls went to their fathers on December 25th, I received a message from the 12 year old that her tooth was hurting(she received a medicated filling 3 weeks ago, the dentist said its common for it to hurt occasionally if it hurts give her Advil)
I told her via text message to take 2 of the Advil I'd sent with her. She replied I can't daddy took them. He has them.
I messaged my ex asking him to please give her 2 of the tablets to ease the discomfort. He replied NO!! He told her to put sensodyne tooth paste on it. He said don't message me again with this effing BS.
I Respected his wishes
On Monday December 27, the 10 year old called me to say goodnight.
We chatted for a few minutes,then her father entered the bedroom.
He screamed to get the F*** off the phone and go brush her teeth, she replied I will do it in a minute daddy I'm just saying goodnight to mommy.
He said "you ungrateful little bitch, you'd rather talk to your stupid effing mother than do what I tell you!! You deserve to be in pain and have rotten teeth, you make me effing sick you worthless piece of sh**!!
I could hear the 12 year old yelling daddy leave her alone. He called them both bitches and left the room slamming the door behind him.
The only sound was the 10 year old sobbing. I told her it'd be ok just to try to calm down. The 12 year old got on the bed with her and hugged her.
I did manage to calm her down, then I got off the phone with her.
I called the FCS emergency number, they said unless he physically hit her we aren't able to do anything, they said reassure her that daddy loves her and he's just upset.
I messaged her exactly that, that daddy was just upset it's ok. That your daddy loves you.
She didn't reply.
I tried calling him to find out what was going on, but he has call display and wouldn't answer.
I spoke to the 10 year old the next morning, she was sobbing begging me to come for her.
I said its daddy's time with you I'm sure you'll do something super fun.
He freaked out on both girls again Wednesday, as their room had presents scattered around it. Basically the same thing again as Monday.
The girls straightened the room up to avoid further conflict and I got begged to come for her.
Thursday morning he freaked on his girlfriend, and the girls again.
He loaded the girls into his truck with all their things.
The 10 year old is asthmatic, she keeps an inhaler on hand at all times.
With complete disregard to her health he was smoking with them in the vehicle.
The 10 year old asked him to not smoke he said if you don't like it roll down the effing window.
Both girls messaged "mommy we're scared please help us"
I called OPP, they met him at the house he was taking the girls to, the girls both told the sergeant they were scared they wanted to come home.
I received a call from the officer asking if I could come for them immediately.
Since an hour away, I said yes I will be there as soon as possible.
I brought the girls home yesterday. They're terrified
The 10 year old fell asleep in my arms last night sobbing.
His next scheduled access is January 7th.
What would any of you do?
Any comments appreciated.
Thank you

[Looking4Answers]

1. If you dont have the police report in your possession call the OPP and get a copy of it immediately.
2. Get copies of all the text messages between yourself and the girls.
3. Take it to a lawyer.
4. Ask the lawyer if having the girls do an Affidavit stating what happened would help along with the police report to change the visitation.
5. Perhaps visits with their dad need to be monitored with a case worker until his demeaner changes around the girls.
6. The girls were afraid for their life, truly I dont believe much more needs to be said in the eyes of a Judge.
If that doesn't constitute change immediately for the girls, guess what they are sick. Chances are they will be anyways because of what they endured during their last visit.

[Fedupwithcrap]

Thank you
I greatly appreciate your advice.

[frustratedwithex]

Originally Posted by Fedupwithcrap

I called the FCS emergency number, they said unless he physically hit her we aren't able to do anything, they said reassure her that daddy loves her and he's just upset.
I messaged her exactly that, that daddy was just upset it's ok. That your daddy loves you.
She didn't reply.
I tried calling him to find out what was going on, but he has call display and wouldn't answer.
I spoke to the 10 year old the next morning, she was sobbing begging me to come for her.
I said its daddy's time with you I'm sure you'll do something super fun.

Stop doing this. Stop telling them that it's okay that daddy is just upset.

That emergency person you talked to is wrong. It's not okay.

He may be upset, but how he behaves is wrong. Tell your daughters that his behaviour is wrong.

He may love them, but how he chooses to behave is wrong.

Telling your daughters that "daddy loves them and he's just upset, its okay", teaches your daughters that love is abusive, that love hurts, that love makes you cry and makes you feel bad. That's not love. That's abuse.

Your daughters are looking for help and you are the only person they think can help them.

There is much to be said for encouraging a relationship with the other parent, but not at this price. Your daughters safety and mental health is too high a price.

You need counselling to help your daughters. Your daughters need counselling to help with the effects of their dads abuse. Seek out some crises counselling now and look into your employers EAP program. Some programs offer in person counselling as well as over the phone counselling. Some also offer legal services. They will put you in touch with a lawyer in your area that will give you about 30min of advice.

You need legal advice. Emergency legal advice.

I don't know what you should do legally, but my best guess would be to file some type of an emergency motion.

[Fedupwithcrap]

Thank you very much for your advice.
It made me ill to say that to the girls, it really did.
I tried to calm them down, to soothe them any way possible, these girls have seen abuse before they've seen Mommy get hit by him.
They and I are in counseling, the judge has said until I have something concrete from FCS access will remain the same, that was however until this.
FCS fully admits he is a big problem, yet they continue to drag their feet.
He WILL NOT hurt these girls again.
Again tho thank you for your advice, there are no lawyers even available until next week.
If need be I will file an emergency motion myself, I won't let the girls be abused by him again.

[May_May]

Get to your family doctor ASAP and see what he recommends for counselling. There are counsellors covered by OHIP and he can assist. It will also be a professional who will also have this on record/file.

You should also seek counselling to find out how to handle this. My gut instinct would be to do what you did, and calm your girls down while they were there. Now that they are with you, how much are you supposed to say ? I agree with frustrated that they need to be aware that it's not acceptable. But how do you do that without completely freaking them out and even more petrified if they have to go with him on Jan. 7...

Call the police (do you have a card from the officer you talked to/picked up the children from) ? perhaps he can also offer suggestions.

Good luck...

[frustratedwithex]

Can you get a hold of your counsellor today? Is there someone else in their office that can help you today? If not try a 1-800 emergency number in your area.

I understand the judge needs something concrete or its just hearsay. You were on the phone with your daughter when some of this was taking place. Did you record what was going on?

Read some of Taykens posts, he/she has advice on concrete evidence as well as dealing with high conflict people.

I wish I had more help for you. You are not going to stop him from abusing your daughters, I doubt you could when you were together. You can however, help them deal with what is happening now and you can work on getting the evidence you need in order to change the access.

[Looking4Answers]

Originally Posted by Fedupwithcrap

Thank you very much for your advice.
It made me ill to say that to the girls, it really did.
I tried to calm them down, to soothe them any way possible, these girls have seen abuse before they've seen Mommy get hit by him.
They and I are in counseling, the judge has said until I have something concrete from FCS access will remain the same, that was however until this.
FCS fully admits he is a big problem, yet they continue to drag their feet.
He WILL NOT hurt these girls again.
Again tho thank you for your advice, there are no lawyers even available until next week.
If need be I will file an emergency motion myself, I won't let the girls be abused by him again.

If you require an assessment done with respect to the girls mental well-being, not all counsellors can do an assessment.

You may need a psychologist or a psychiatrist to do that. If your counsellor cannot write an assessment for the lawyer tell her/him to refer you immediately to someone that can so the assessment can be used by the lawyer.

I'm sorry for both you and your girls but you have to take charge cause you really dont know what is going on in your ex's mind. He sounds unstable to me.

[frustratedwithex]

Originally Posted by Looking4Answers

1. If you dont have the police report in your possession call the OPP and get a copy of it immediately.
2. Get copies of all the text messages between yourself and the girls.
3. Take it to a lawyer.
4. Ask the lawyer if having the girls do an Affidavit stating what happened would help along with the police report to change the visitation.
5. Perhaps visits with their dad need to be monitored with a case worker until his demeaner changes around the girls.
6. The girls were afraid for their life, truly I dont believe much more needs to be said in the eyes of a Judge.

If that doesn't constitute change immediately for the girls, guess what they are sick. Chances are they will be anyways because of what they endured during their last visit.

I agree, get the police report, save the text message and talk to a lawyer. Find out what can be done next week and before the next visit is scheduled to happen.

[Fedupwithcrap]

I would really like to thank all of you for your advice regarding this.
I know how cruel their father can be, it breaks my heart to see the girls going thru this.
I can't get hold of the doctor until her office opens on Monday, the counsellor is out of the office until Monday. I did however get hold of the children's original counsellor at the women's shelter. She was a great help in talking to the girls as they know her from when we lived there.
My lawyer out of the office.
I've left detailed messages for everyone mentioned above.
I'm waiting on a call back from the sergeant that attended to the girls.
I will keep everyone informed.
I've made copies of all text messages from the girls to myself.
She nor I taped him, on the last day she was there tho she did record the fight between her father and his girlfriend.
No child should have heard that kind of exchange between 2 adults!!!
As I find out more I will keep everyone updated.
Again thank you all so much.