Nasty voice message from ex

[melee]

Before I get into the crazy message that we received today. I will fill you in on our situation.

My DH (or soon to be) seperated from his ex in 2006. Current custody arragement was a typical alternate weekends with a couple of week day visits. Divorce papers served to DH. DH wants more time with them. fair enough?

Feb 08 - Ex goes on a business trip and would like us to watch the kids during the week. no problem. During that week, DH's daughter experiences anxiety which would be normal since she has never spent the night on a weeknight before. Ex comes back from the trip, and off they go home...We get a suprising call from Dh's daughter saying how much she loves her dad and misses him. they talk for a bit and said their goodbyes. DH waits for daughter to hang up the phone....but daughter dosen't hang up the phone, it's still on the hook. Then for the next 1hour and 43 mins we hear ex SOBBING hysterically! Ex is asking daughter "i'm not home for even two hours and you call your dad and tell him that you love him 3x and have not once told me you loved me?"...and it goes on and on...(we spoke to ex about this and she "swears" that its an isolated incident and would not happen again...but we don't know that.)

oct 2008 - ex demands to have the week day visits removed do to the recommendations of the "school psycologist" otherwise ex will restrict all access. (the school psycologist works with DH son because he has a developmental delay and his moods have been up and down since he was a baby. so by us cutting the weekday visits out, it will not be a bad transition for him...apparently.). So, we agree to drop the weeknight visits and came up with 3 weekends on, one weekend on Friday to Monday.

*note, ex utilizes two respite workers during the week on two different nights

still no divorce.

June 2009 - ex wants the arrangments changed. Now, DH's daughter (8yr) is saying "mom is mad because you have us too much on the weekends"...We try to comprimise with ex and give her an arrangement but refuses.

August 2009 - case conference, waste of time and money. still in the same boat

Sept 2009 - DH's kids come over for the weekend. daughter is sobbying and dry heaving...daughter says "i want to be with mom. mom says her bf is out of town and she is not doing anything. she says she wishes she had us for the weekend instead". daughter is taken to the hospital because she will not stop heaving. Mom shows up and takes her home.

the next day we FINALLY meet with EX and she seems civil. EX now agrees to the arrangment we propsed to her back in june (two weekend on, one weekend off Friday to Tuesday with split christmas, split spring break) and a PROMISE to get consent order in place and close up the divorce...Perfect right?

current arrangment is in place.

following weekend we have the kids again. daughter is crying and says "Mom says that if she can change the arrangement she could be the judge won't let her.." daughter lands in the hospital again. DH's son has no issues.

November 2009 - receive a letter from Ex's lawyer requesting the custody be changed to alternate weekends friday to sunday. Still no divorce.

We advised ex that the only way this arrangment will change is if it is a closed divorce with open custody. DH is willing to cut his time back to help daughter get better but will not have the door shut on him! Got a voice message from her saying:

"I'm not sure why you have this sensitive entitlement about how often you see the kids because as far as this goes, you are entitled to traditional visitation and tradidtional visitation only. And you want to keep fighting this, your daughter dosen't want to come over now, keep pushing and we'll see how this goes...So I suggest you try giving a little or I will drag this out...."

I'm so sick of her trying to act like a gatekeep for these kids. She is turning daughter against her dad and that's not right!

[billiechic]

Please look up parental alienation. The first overheard conversation strongly reeks of this. I suspect his ex needs counselling but is not doing it.

Is the girl in counselling? Just from what you wrote I would guess she is feeling a lot of guilt (and that her mom is making her feel it). The father should not walk away, his daughter needs him to be there and help her. If he walks, then he just gives reason to the mother's claims and guilt.

[melee]

I've searched and googled every possible site about parent alienation...Even though i'm from wpg, this site is the best site I've been to.

Ex apparently was emotional when DH and ex were together. But she's a "look your part" type of women who can put on a good show but has some serious issues behind closed doors.

Daughter went to see a child psyc and nothing "stood out" when he spoke to her. I don't care what any psyc says, I know for a fact that ex is poisoning this little girl's mind. I pray and hope that one day daughter will see her moms true colors and that dad never gave up fighting for them. the kids will both know how this came to be (infedelity on her part). have you ever seen a grown man cry? I'm so saddend by all of this.

What's even more sad is to think that a parent would work up their child so much and make them think they are so LOST without you and the child lands up in the hospital.

we have told professionals about what she did back in feb 08 but they do not seemed to be alarmed by it, as if it were "okay" to talk that way to your child...

[billiechic]

Please don't tell your child (step-child) why her parents divorced. It is not important.

Can you and your DH get her into counselling? Do they have a separation agreement allowing it? Does she have sole custody? How old is the daughter? Sometimes they are allowed to go into counselling without parental permission at 12 YO. It sounds like she NEEDS someone to talk to, where it won't be discussed with either parent.

[melee]

We would never tell her now,she's too young. but as a right to daughter and if she asks when she is of appropriate age, she will know why.

[got2bkid]

Some more studies at this link on Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) ? Main Page

[#1StepMom]

There's also what they call Hostile Aggressive Parenting, which is where PAS stems from.

Hostile Aggressive Parenting - Emotional & mental child abuse

[Stepmom2-:)]

This sounds so familiar. My husband is going through the same ordeal...his divorce was held up because of her "entitlement" issues and then when she didn't get what she thought was her right, she involved the kids - and told them lies about their marriage....meanwhile it was her that had the affair(s) among other things. But anyways, these kids have been abused but now the oldest one has told both my husband and I that she hates us and never to see us again - a teenage girl. This mother has no idea, like the one you are referring to, how much damage is being put on the kids - and there will be long term damage. Parental Alienation is something that we are seeing more of - it has always been an issue, but it is just now that it is being recognized as a problem. Parents who do this, should loose all rights to their kids - it is not the choice of the children to have their parents divorce - SO WHY put them in the middle.

My heart breaks for all those parents who are going through this - its abusive just not to the kids but also to the other parent.

[melee]

Well because of daughters breakdowns, we only see her Saturday from 10-7. that was supposed to be the start of her progression. we have seen her a total of 18 hours since Oct 2. can u believe that?

We discussed with ex that we should meet on a monthly basis and talk about the kids, how things are going etc... but she's too "busy" or "dosen't have time" or just won't respond. But yet, she utilizes two respite workers twice a week.

Anyway, on saturdays we usually pick daughter up from ex's place and ex picks her up from ours. well she left a message today saying that she will drop off daughter if we can pick drop her off in the evening instead, and see if it works. well it dosen't work and she's flipping mad because she says "if you want to see these kids, it is your responsibility to pick them up and return them home". So we stood our ground and told her that the current situation is that I p/u in the morning and she p/u in the evening.

Then she went on about how i'm making things "difficult" for "everyone" because i "can't get my way"...??? What things can't DH get? That he signed off and walked away from his home so her and the kids can stay in their home instead of manitoba housing? that he gave up weekday visitations so it will be an easier transition for his special needs son? that he reduced his time with his daughter so she can have a fresh start? that every type of custody arrangement she wanted and constantly changed, he gave her? And we're being difficult because we cannot drive her home because we have company that night...Nice.

Yes, it's really sad to think that all she see's in these kids are dollar signs. she was $50,000 in personal debt 2 years ago, and up until october she was asking if we can pay for her daughters $20 costume because she can't afford it. we give her $660 plus $200 in childcare...is it safe to say that we can put two and two together? yeah.

[Dooly]

As a parent who is dealing with an ex who limits and tries to control every time I talk with or see our (not mine or hers) children I can fully understand your frustration. For the first 93 days of my seperation my ex refused ALL access to our children (3 of them) constantly tries to have me end my access early without reason or make up time suggested...etc etc.. My lawyer suggested a book to me called Divorce Poison by Dr Richard Warshak. It is an amazing well written book on the subject of Parental Alienation. I HIGHLY reccomend every parent to read it. Giving up your access time IS NOT HELPING HER!!! it is actually adding to the problem.... read the book and you will understand why I say that.

Your Ex needs to understand this too, but like mine I doubt she will listen as she most likely feels she is doing nothing wrong. Your child needs BOTH parents don't give up the end results are worth it trust me...