My ex never picked up our son at school today!

[independentgal]

My ex was supposed to have our son from after school today until Sunday night. We recently had the order done after three days in court. It is very specific. It states the actual date today as the first overnight and that he is to pick our son up from school. Based on the court order we are not to communicate by phone or in person during access exchanges at all, and unless a health emergency of our son we can only communicate by email. I showed up at the school before the bell and waited in my car on the side of the road to verify that my ex was there because my ex had a history of not showing up in the past when he said he was going to see him. This is devastating to our son. He has not had an overnight with his Dad in 15 months.

Anyway, my son didn't get on his bus as usual for the ride to our house and was waiting for his dad outside the school with his bag. Everyone left the playground and school was let out and there is my son, forgotten! He saw me and came to the car and waited with me. I waited for a total of 20 minutes after the bell and still no ex. The order stipulates that neither party shall be expected to wait more than 20 mins. I took him home with me and now have to hear my son feel totally forgotten and hurt.

I know he has forfeited his access period by not being there. My problem is how do I ever trust in the future that he will show up? An 8 year old should not be expected to wait in a school yard and wonder if someone is coming.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

[Nathank]

That is disgusting!!! your ex is what makes it hard on all of the good Fathers out there...that makes me angry (as a father)...not to sure what to say!! he clearly is taking for granted having a son. I dont know what it takes to have a persons eyes open on what is most important but clearly he needs to get his priority straight

[dadtotheend]

That is absolutely gut-wrenching. My ex did this on one occasion when our son was in JK, so the kindergarten teacher sent him to the office to wait for me. Thankfully I am very close to the school and he was too young to understand that he had been left there.

You did the right thing by being there for him, just as you have for the past 15 months. Just imagine how upset he would have been if he had been left alone. In future you should tell him to go to the office to wait if he doesn't see his Dad within five or ten, but no later, minutes. The school staff should be instructed to call you immediately to come get him. Unfortunately you are going to have to be available for the forseeable future to cover until and if Dad shows he can be counted upon.

Try your best, as hard as it must be, not to let your completely understandable frustration and other feelings for your ex be communicated to your son. You'll have to come up with an explanation for your son that still protects his positive regard for his Dad.

[yearsgone]

What a shame! Your son will never forget this. There are so many good men out there who are fighting for the rights that your ex has casually thrown away. Remember that your son loves you both, despite Dad's choices, and do not dwell on Dad being a jerk because children take these "opinions" (although justified in your case) personally. As a child of divorce I can attest to the knots in my stomach when Mom would regularly bad-mouth my Dad. Without you saying anything, your son will form his own opinion from Dad's actions and will respect you for not drawing him into "those" conversations . Just let him know that you are sorry he has been disappointed, to validate his feelings.

[Nathank]

Well said!!

[dadtotheend]

Originally Posted by yearsgone

Without you saying anything, your son will form his own opinion from Dad's actions and will respect you for not drawing him into "those" conversations . Just let him know that you are sorry he has been disappointed, to validate his feelings.

Echo that.

[jankes71]

I delt with this myself growing up with a dad who never showed up when he said he would. It was extremely difficult and hurtful. My mom just stopped telling me when dad said he was coming so that I didn't expect him and wasn't disappointed when he didn't show. That obviously won't work for you though as your son needs to know who's coming to pick him up.
Remember that you have enough love for your son and he will grow up knowing that. Keep giving your ex the opportunity to see your son, and eventually your son will just choose not to go with him as he gets older and realizes what a waste of time his dad is. Can you plan a sleepover with one of his friends on the days dad doesn't show? Maybe make an arrangement with a friends mom? This really helped me with a good friend of mine, I would stil get to 'go away' but got to spend fun time with a friend as well. The disappointent wasn't so raw either.
Hang in there. You are a great mom. Lot's of hugs and love to your boy and he will be ok.

P.S. My mom also got me a dog at one point which was a huuuuge saviour for me. Made all the difference in the world.

[dadtotheend]

Originally Posted by jankes71

I delt with this myself growing up with a dad who never showed up when he said he would. It was extremely difficult and hurtful. My mom just stopped telling me when dad said he was coming so that I didn't expect him and wasn't disappointed when he didn't show. That obviously won't work for you though as your son needs to know who's coming to pick him up.
Remember that you have enough love for your son and he will grow up knowing that. Keep giving your ex the opportunity to see your son, and eventually your son will just choose not to go with him as he gets older and realizes what a waste of time his dad is. Can you plan a sleepover with one of his friends on the days dad doesn't show? Maybe make an arrangement with a friends mom? This really helped me with a good friend of mine, I would stil get to 'go away' but got to spend fun time with a friend as well. The disappointent wasn't so raw either.
Hang in there. You are a great mom. Lot's of hugs and love to your boy and he will be ok.

P.S. My mom also got me a dog at one point which was a huuuuge saviour for me. Made all the difference in the world.

Great post, thanks for sharing that.

My ex has a habit of making promises that she doesn't keep. I stopped telling the kids about them and just waited to see if she would keep them. The challenge comes when she makes the promise directly to the children and then the kids ask me why she didn't keep it. I tell them that Mom loves them very much but has trouble sometimes doing what she says she will, or some gentle variation of that. It's very tough to keep your personal feelings out of it, but you have to do it.

[independentgal]

Thanks so much for the advice and support everyone! I typed up a reply but for some reason it did not post on Saturday. Oh well,

Still have not heard from the ex. I really cannot believe that he cannot support and nurture his own son. For months my son left numerous heart-wrenching voicemails for his dad asking him to call him back, why don't you take me for the weekend, why don't you answer my calls. It is heartbreaking. I had to put my foot down because it is not healthy for a child to be rejected continually by his own father, but my son finally stopped asking to call his Dad-he had figured it out that his dad doesn't care about him. I asked the judge to put in the latest order that my ex must return in a timely manner all phone calls from his son. And he still doesn't call him back. The person he is ultimately hurting is his own son, not me.

My partner and my son are slowly bonding with each other. They have grown to love one another and for this I am truly grateful that he has a positive male figure in his life.

[dadtotheend]

Originally Posted by independentgal

I had to put my foot down because it is not healthy for a child to be rejected continually by his own father, but my son finally stopped asking to call his Dad-he had figured it out that his dad doesn't care about him. I asked the judge to put in the latest order that my ex must return in a timely manner all phone calls from his son. And he still doesn't call him back. The person he is ultimately hurting is his own son, not me.

That's awful. But you have to tell the child that his Dad does care about and love him. It's extremely important, I think, even if you don't believe it. If your son decides that he wants to continue to try and contact his Dad, I think you have to let him.

BTW, if Dad can't do the right thing on his own and call his son back, there's a snowball's chance in hell that a judge and/or a court order will be able to get him to do it. But you already know that now.