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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #41 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2014, 11:48 AM
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The lawyer will confirm what we have been saying, which is that the father has every right to take his son to a doctor's appointment without the mother's permission. She is blowing hot air.

Whether or not it is wise to fan the flames of conflict by doing so is entirely a judgement call.

I am someone who has both done a lot to keep the peace AND stood up for what was right, despite the inevitable conflict that has followed. There are times when the threat of conflict is outweighed by the needs of the child, and the rights of the father to be allowed to parent on his time without interference from the mother.

I'll confess up front that I'm very biased based on a personal experience. My ex and I were in a mediation session, and she was objecting to us wording our separation agreement in a way that ensured we had to agree and have equal say on major decision points related to treatment, schooling, childcare, etc. We had already agreed on 50-50, and I had demonstrated myself to be an equal partner in both running our former household (chores), and in the care of our children (daily interaction, extracurriculars, doctors appointments, etc.) She wanted to have final say. When the mediator pointedly asked her why my ex felt that she should have carte blanch decision making in a 50-50 arrangement with an equally involved parent, my ex, quite possibly without thinking, said:

"Because I'm the mom."

Well, at least she was honest.
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  #42 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2014, 12:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Straittohell View Post
When the mediator pointedly asked her why my ex felt that she should have carte blanch decision making in a 50-50 arrangement with an equally involved parent, my ex, quite possibly without thinking, said:

"Because I'm the mom."

Well, at least she was honest.
Oh my! We have heard the exact same reason... over and over and over. Even though mediators, counsellors, lawyers and judges have told her that she can't use that ("Because I'm the mom!") against the father whenever she disagrees with him, she still uses it. And you're right, you have to pick your battles. And this is what the father is trying to decide in this case... is this particular battle worth fighting. It's tough because whenever he gives an inch, she tries to take a mile. It's even more disheartening seeing a father slip closer and closer to giving up because the battles are just too frequent and too tolling. But I'm sure he's not the only one feeling this way. It's just unfortunate for all involved.
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  #43 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2014, 12:30 PM
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We also hear a lot of: "You must respect me [read: do as I say] because I'm the mom!"
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  #44 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2014, 12:39 PM
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Again, my recommendations still stand. Let her take dad to court....appointment will be done and over with.

And fyi, if she denies appointment - that won't look good on her.

Treatment equates to "treating doctor". A doctor seeing the child is "treating him". Even if no further recommendations are given/required.

Stop over analyzing and proceed. She'd have to demonstrate how this is not in the child's best interests in court. And again, dad can get him in front of a doctor before then....don't be a victim of your own behaviours. Go ahead!
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  #45 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2014, 01:39 PM
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Just spoke with a lawyer. His answer...

Parents have Joint Custody. Either can schedule an appointment for the child and take him to it on their time, as long as there are no treatments being done, without having to notify or receive consent from the other parent. Both parents do not need to be attending. Afterwards, the parent who took the child to the appointment should send an update to the other parent letting him/her know about the appointment and what was discussed, and provide contact information should that parent wish to confirm the info relayed, speak with the doctor, or schedule their own appointment on their time.

In cases where one parent is trying to impose rules or be controlling of the situation, the lawyer suggested to not notify that parent in advance, or provide same-day notice (e.g., morning of) as there is no legal obligation (unless court ordered) for parents to provide advanced notice prior for basic check-ups.

If one parent has an issue with the other parent taking the child for a simple check-up, that parent may take the issue to court and explain why the other parent should not be allowed to do so. The lawyer explained that "because I'm the mother" or "because I want to be there" are not valid reasons, especially in Joint Custody situations.

Just an FYI.
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  #46 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2014, 04:31 PM
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Well I hate to break it to you but sometimes the disgruntled parent who is "imposing rules" gets very creative in what happens with appointments.... mom in our case cancels appointments or reschedules without consult. Even though it's dad who initiated the appointment on his access time. This is even for routine dental cleanings etc. So he books time off work only to find out she has moved it.

And the imposing rule parent can keep kid at home or refuse kid to go to appointment. So consent required aside, there are many ways to be willfully destructive.

All the doctors get calls about what happened even if mom is given a full account of the appointment. Its maddening. And it's hard to keep up on all this sh@t and take the time to adjust calendars and time off when you have to work to keep your chin above water and pay your support on time.

So, in theory - yes a custodial parent can make an appointment. Easier said than done sometimes!
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  #47 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2014, 07:50 PM
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Very true Serene... Though in this case it sounds like notifying mom after the fact will work. Sad that it is necessary.

At least we have certainty on the original question.
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  #48 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2017, 05:51 PM
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I went through this for a few years, I was “required” (by Mom, not the law) to be at every appointment, and usually got a good deal of verbal and emotional abuse at each one.

A judge told her that he completely understood my unwillingness to attend due to her behaviour, and explained that we DO NOT need to attend appointments together, and that contact info for the doctor/specialist was required in case I had any questions so I could call the doctor directly.

Judges can spot control issues a mile away, a person is totally in charge on their parenting time, and if they wish to take the child to the doctor without informing the other parent they do have that right. What’s important is to ensure the other parent is aware of any information that they need to be aware of.

If it’s going to be negative interaction, it’s best to shield the child from it, the judge ended up requiring her to handle all medical appointments and provide me with reports/phone numbers in case I had questions, citing that ‘nobody is required to be present for bad behaviou’
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