Introduction of Adulterer to Childreren

[Ottawafather]

All:

My wife recently separated and was having an affair with a man a before separation and is looking to have him move in with her in her new home. we have 4 children who are 50/50 for access.

She wants to introduce this guy to the kids and he wants to become a father figure to them.

What are the thoughts about how much time after a separation should be required before a new person is introduced? Has anyone looked at the how kids feel about this?

Also, I heard that these relationships usually don't last long. That the thrill of wanting is not as strong as the thrill of having.

Thoughts?

[standing on the sidelines]

If the guy is not a danger to the kids they it really isn't a concern of yours. If she gets a revolving door of a different guy every week then you have a beef. You have hurt feelings because she left you for him. Do not let your feelings cloud your judgement and in turn try to influence your kids. Do not tell them that she had an affair with the guy and broke up the marriage or it is all his fault that mom and dad are no longer together. There must have been problems in your marriage because people happy and fulfilled in their marriages do not stray.

Without knowing the circumstances it is hard to comment on if the relationship will last. I worked with a girl who cheated on her husband (no kids) moved right in with the other guy and they are stll going strong and have a beautiful family of three kids. Another guy with a family has cheated on his wife but in the end stayed with his wife and continues to cheat on her. She knows but figures it is better to have him and his paycheck around.

[Ottawafather]

I guess I am wondering how much time should lapse. I am also concerned because I think this guy has some psychological issuers with children.

[sufferer]

Same thing happened to me.My ex was involved with one of his co-workers.She used to visit our house and I used to cook for her.If I ever questioned him he used to tell me "ladies like her are available for 20 dollars on every corner of the street,I am not folish to have a affair with such a lady".And now they have a child together within 8 months of separation.Its really hard to judge these kind of people with absolutely no ETHICS.
All I will suggest you to pacfy your kids and just answer sensibly if they eve question you.

[Ottawafather]

Thanks. Apart from having no ethics, this guy wants to play daddy as he has already failed with his daughter from a previous marriage.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

Apart from the obvious emotional pain this is causing, you still need to be the "adult" for the children regardless if you feel it is appropriate or not, it is her choice which she is free to make.

If something happens that changes the affect of this person’s presence on the children’s well being, then you can apply for a variance of custody, but it would have to be an exceptionally solid case against the mother and or her choice in partners for any judge to change custody. What one person calls an adequate time frame for starting to date again is not going to be the same for everyone. It would be great if the non-custodial parent could have a say in who resides in the home with their children, but they don’t and rightfully so other wise there would be a lot of single people unable to get on with their lives.

Yes it sucks and no you don’t have to like it, but you are still their dad and they know that. And you will always be their dad, so make sure you project to your children the best image as possible so that they can continue to see you as a great dad. Don’t become bitter and let this get in the way of your time with your children, after all they are your primary focus right?

[tombiosis]

I know exactly how you feel!
My ex moved her affair guy in within days of me vacating the house! I even put a clause in our agreement that we both should wait 1 year for our child to adjust before introducing a "significant other", but my lawyer pointed out it was unenforceable. Within days I got a letter from her lawyer saying she was ignoring that clause, and there was nothing I could do.
The hardest thing I have trouble with is not berating the mother for her adultery. I feel like I am untruthful if I hide what really happened, but the other posters here are indeed correct; you cannot dis the mother to the children...they need their mom...no matter what.
So far my child has had no complaints about the "new stepdad" so I am very grateful for that. I know it sucks, but what can you do? Just do the best you can, believe in Karma, and be there for your kids no matter what!
Good Luck and hang in there!

[Ottawafather]

All:

Great points raised. At the end of the day, I know this guy is a classless degenerate but I am still the father of my children and that they will look to me as the father figure.

Ottawafather