Infant Visitation Schedule?

[bunkie]

Hello there,

Looking for some advice and am sure that some of you have already been through this and can help me out.

I have a daughter with my ex common law partner, she will be 4mos in a week. For the first 3mos of her life he had very little interaction with her. Asked me when she was born to help him learn about babies, said he'd read some of the books I had and didn't. I have a son from a prior marriage so this is my second child. It was a very tumultuous relationship as he has anger issues which have escalated around the kids. You name the word and I've been called it. So he's always preferred to let her cry instead of ask for help, yet I have to choose my battles because if I offer help he takes its negative and the anger is unleashed upon me & my son. He's got a low threshold with his anger and is not open to asking for help as he's very insecure and doesn't like to admit when help is due. I've finally managed to separate from him (he wouldn't leave as I bought the house and he has nothing but debts...but stupid me I put his name on title because he said he'd sign agreement which ofcourse never happened) which has taken forever as it's scary to live with him and even scarier to live without him as he's the most bitter, angry man I've ever met in my life and will use our daughter against me to try to hurt me back now that I've ended things. And ofcourse, he's now after the money I put down to buy this place....nice guy eh? I'm willing to pay a price for my stupidity, have learned a valuable lesson and just want peace LOL.

I digress! So with visitations, we aren't agreeing on this ofcourse. He's gong to stalemate every corner I try to turn. I've done reading and spoken with a couple family law attorneys who say such young children are best with more frequent shorter visits until they reach an older age where they can gradually begin to sleep over. He wants her instantly for overnights etc and says this is in her best interests which is contrary to anything I've found or researched. I've proposed until the holidays are over every 3rd day for 2-3hours. He just said last night he wants her 2 days a week (i think just as visits, not overnight) and every other weekend overnight. Also told me that he will make sure she's home when my other son is with my ex husband. Nice eh? My lawyer said not to worry as a judge wouldn't allow the kids to grow up so separately.

So does anyone have advice, templates or sites that they could point me towards for sample schedules? I've not had much luck yet finding anything. Looking for something like:

4mos-12mos
2 days a week, 2-3hrs
every other weekend 4-6hrs with no overnights until 12mos

I'm also trying to ensure the kids see eachother as often as possible so he's asking for 2 days a week which will likely make sure she doesn't see her brother for 3 days a week as he's with his Dad on Wed. I have a wonderful relationship with my ex so worst case scenario I swap the days around with him on the weeknight visit as he would do that in a heartbeat to help us out.

Thanks & sorry for the lengthy post.

[Mess]

I will say that he sounds like an awful partner for you.

That doesn't mean he will be an awful father. He may be or he may not be. You already have the experience of raising one child, he doesn't. I've raised 2, it is a learning experience, and each time is different. I had a lot to learn and so did their mother. No one automaticly gains parenting abilities by becoming a parent, incxluding mothers.

You and he have ongoing conflict and control issues and there is anger, unfortunately you are not the best person to be teaching him how to parent. Still, you have to give him a chance. You have to create an atmosphere where he feels free to talk to you about the baby, ask questions, go to you for advice, call you when there is a problem, and he feels that you will not be the least bit judgmental.

This isn't for him, it is for the baby who wiill thrive with a loving father and will thrive more if both parents can get along with each other, at least over childcare issues.

I'm not saying everything else should be settled so easily, but you will do yourself a huge favour in the long run if you can settle your childcare differences separately from financial differences, and separately for the emotional differences that caused you to split.

Your child needs both parents, and will need you both for decades, and if can separate this from other conflict (and it is possible, my ex and me and other parents were able to do this) then you will be much happier in the long run.

You can settle your financial differences over the next year with negotiation, you will then be parenting together for years and years. Keep that in mind.

As far as your question about scedules, I agree that short, frequent visits are best at the youngest ages, but keep something else in mind. My father's mother died when he was eight months old. He was raised by an aunt. This type of situation happens to many many children. Your baby will do well with many different types of schedules.

If you do a ton of research that shows that the baby will do "best" with a certain type of schedule you are just looking for justification for the situation that makes you feel the most comfortable. The baby will do "best" if the two of you are still living together. That is actually what research shows. I don't mean you should not separate, but I mean you are not going to find an optimal, perfect set up.

If you can be flexible, if he can be flexible, if you two can work together, if you can communicate and co-operate with the child care and schedule, then the baby will thrive so much more, rather than picking a schedule designed by experts out of a book and then having years of conflict and bitterness.

You would hate it if some expert walked into your home and started telling you your parenting was all wrong. Pick a schedule that works for you, your child, her father, everyone. The child will thrive the best with the least conflict between her parents. If that is one day, or two days, or three days, or whatever days, it doesn't matter.

[dadtotheend]

Another great post above Mess. You da bomb.

[NBDad]

One thing that is not mentioned is whether you are breast or bottle feeding....breast feeding kind of kills the whole "overnights" thing with Dad until she's weaned. That would be the only case I can think of where it'd be acceptable to offer "2-3 hours every few days until the child is X months old"...(of course were I him, I'd be making damn sure that there was something in writing that it's a temporary arrangement until the child is older)

If you are bottle feeding, then like Mess said, there is not reason he shouldn't be allowed to have her overnight, the key part is to minimize conflict between the two of you. Kids are super adaptable, and as long as the schedule is kept relatively stable, then pick an arrangement that works best for everyone involved.

[bunkie]

Thanks for your replies.... We were just speaking of every other weekend and 2 days a week. I've just replied with how about 2 nights during the week on the weekend she's not with you and then one night while she's with you that weekend.

What is he is trying to do is keep her & her brother (6yrs) apart as much as possible. He's told me all along he will never agree to the same schedule my son is on with his father. His father and I divorced and did everything together, there has never been problems with schedules since our son was mos old when we split. Since dating this man, all he's done is angered at me when I have moved things around in the past for my ex husband. He's very combative and I'm trying my best to keep things focused on a gradual schedule for the holidays and then working on a permanent schedule going forward. Mess...yes there will be in writing about the future I wouldn't do something so cruel as try to hold him to infant visit when she's older. I'm a wonderful mother and I think if you asked my ex husband I'm a wonderful ex lol.
Unfortunately she wasn't breastfed past 2mos. I'm a big breast is best person so feel terrible, but happy nonetheless as she did a good couple months. My son went almost a year but with the relationship stress (emotional abusive and watching our son witness his Mom being called a "C" and told to F off etc) just made me too tense to produce enough milk fo her. I've considered trying to restart though because he's gone but now it's likely not best as I heard pumping that much milk for visits is hard.

Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it. Does anyone have schedules to share in addition to the above opinions I've received so far?

[Mess]

It's maybe kind of a waste of time to say this, since he seems intent on being unco-operative, but your target is really to synch both your children's schedules, at least somewhat.

In an ideal world you and both the fathers would get along, and maybe all three sit down with a mediator or parenting co-ordinator and work out something that is good for everyone. That doesn't seem possible, but you should offer this in writing now, so that if/when you need to file some kind of motion, you have proof in writing that you were trying to be reasonable and the one father was intent on causing problems.

You might want to keep in mind, we found with our kids, my 12 year old really appreciates some nights away from the 5 year old, and also has sports practice where the 5 year old would get bored sitting waiting in the stands week after week. It worked out well for us to split the nights so that we had night with each kid. My ex and alternated practices with our 12 year old, and each had a special night alone with the 5 year old.

The objecting father won't like anything you come up with, just because you came up with it, but at some point something has to give and a split in the schedule isn't the worst thing in the world. Your kids could have a few nights together and then a few nights apart, and you could have a few nights to yourself to go out or take a class or catch up on your peace and quiet.

[billiechic]

Originally Posted by Mess

The objecting father won't like anything you come up with, just because you came up with it

This is the problem I am having!

I think having the kids together is very important, and a court would also see this. If he is trying to control the schedules to keep them apart the court is not going to like that one bit, they are siblings! However, if you wanted individual time with each of your children, I think it is something the court would think is reasonable. Offering him the mediation is important, but I think he is going to fight you. I'm sorry.

[Yagatka]

hello,
may I give you suggestion, if you're a breastfeeding mother, than you don't have to worry about visitation shcedule at all. You have rights to give him 3 days per week and only 2 hours for visit, no more than that. Once baby reach 12 month you can discuss new schedule.
usually before kids reach age 4, their fathers have access 3-4 days by 2-3 hours, no sleepovers until 6 years old.
good luck with that.

[dadtotheend]

No offence Yagatka, but it's not about Mom's rights. It's about the rights of the child.

[NBDad]

you're a breastfeeding mother, than you don't have to worry about visitation shcedule at all.

Bull pucky.

You have rights to give him 3 days per week and only 2 hours for visit, no more than that. Once baby reach 12 month you can discuss new schedule.

YOU have no rights in custody/access. The child would have rights, which would be an implied SHARED custody arrangement between BOTH parents. If the father wanted to force the issue, he could certainly take you to court and argue for immediate 50-50 access. There is a decent chance of him being successful in that endeavour.

usually before kids reach age 4, their fathers have access 3-4 days by 2-3 hours, no sleepovers until 6 years old.

This is the kind of archaic, backwards logic that leads to SO much conflict with family law. Usually what happens is that one parent gets this kind of crap in their head (and sorry Mom's but it usually tends to be you, just because the mother is *usually* seen as the primary caregiver)

The child(ren) have a legal right to have equal access to BOTH parents. Period, end of story. Unless there is a compelling reason otherwise.