how do i approach this? any suggestions?

[janedoe99]

I have a 5 month old with a man that I dated. We moved in, tried to make it work. Since our child was born, he spent more time drinking, hanging out with friends..basically avoided our child. Had no interest in her or me. I left him due to his daily drinking and irresponisibility. Since I have left he is all of a sudden showing interest. It seems to be a control thing or pressures of his family (who have been involved and interested). I never denied him access to our child. I just asked that it be supervised since I have witnessed his uncontrolled alcohol problem and his short fuse with a crying baby. There have been occations where he has yelled in her face "shut the f up" when she was only weeks old...while man handling her (jolting her). There have been other problems as well. His mother is to be supervising. My problem is that he is very difficult to reason with. His family wants her on xmas and I allowed that. However it is out of town so I wanted to driver her and pick her up. (so I would know where she was...no drinking/ driving etc.). He flipped a lid. He is now saying he'll take her whenever he wants...I have no say because there is no court order. I really wanted to avoid court as his family and I get allong and want to preserve harmony. However, I don't know how I can police his drinking and ensure that he follows our verbal agreement and that my child is safe. Might I add he is extremely convincing..he knows how to act and holds a job. ANy help or suggestions? Anyone going through the same thing with a child so young?

[FaithandMorals]

A friend of mine who used to practice family law many years ago said he would often advise women in similiar situations to let the dad have at least 50% if you truly think you want to keep harmony. That way if dad (or mom) has access and they can not handle it then you have proof it can not work. If, on the other hand the other parent is now pulling their weight, you have someone helping 50%. Bonus!
Good luck.

[wretchedotis]

Of course you are concerned for your childs welfare. Of course.

However, it is not your job to 'police' anyones drinking (or anything else), save for your childs'.

You sound alot like my ex when her and I first seperated. I didn't appreciate it from her, nor do I appreciate it from you.

What you SHOULD do, is minimize conflict between yourself and your ex.
This is not accomplished by 'demanding' or 'policing' anything.

For sure, voice your concerns to him in a very calm and rational way.
Ask him to please not drink when he has care of the child - and then trust that he will turn into the DAD that is within.

If I may offer a very insensitive insight into the womans' psyche.
You do not own the child.
He is the father, and you best make peace with that as there's literally 25 years ahead that you two have to get along and at least pretend to be 'friendly'.

[standing on the sidelines]

how often does he drink and how much at a time??The yelling at a baby is something to be concerned about. No good dad yells at a baby to shut up.

Dont see what his problem was with you dropping and picking the baby back up. You are making sure that whoever is driving her has not been drinking. Safety of the child first and foremost.

Keep documenting the times that he has her and his drinking. If he cant control the drinking and anger when he has her then something has to change. Other then that keep doing what you are doing by asking the mother to supervise. If he has a drinking problem, she will know and make sure the baby is safe.

Kinda wonder why now of of a sudden he wants to be a dad now that you no longer live together. When he had the child their everyday he basically ignored her. Wonder if its $$$$$ motivated?

[Pursuinghappiness]

If I may offer a very insensitive insight into the womans' psyche.
You do not own the child

As a woman who's divorcing a middle-eastern male who is still under the misguided assumption that he owned everything....me, the kids, the money, even my own family....I can assure you that that is yet another very stupid gender stereotype. You clearly know nothing about women's "psyche's." I find it interesting, however, how that many posters work so hard to work misogynistic rhetoric into their posts instead of simply answering the post. Its very illuminating.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by wretchedotis

You sound alot like my ex when her and I first seperated. I didn't appreciate it from her, nor do I appreciate it from you.


.

If the poster was doing something to you personally then I could understand your comment.

[hadenough]

WO; you just never stop offending. Stunning. PursuingHappiness - a great response. Let's get back to buddy being an alcoholic - that yells "shut the f up" at a crying baby. It is SICK and it would wrench any good parent's stomach. The road to hell is paved w/good intentions - as they say. As much as it would be fabulous to avoid court and preserve harmony - this "father" sounds like he absolutely should have supervised access only. True, mothers don't "own" their babies - but when one parent's abilities are compromised by alcohol, a bad temper and bad judgment - then the responsible parent should take all measures to ensure the safety and well-being of the child(ren) - End of Story

[007]

I second that!!!!

[janedoe99]

thank you for your advice.

I do not think I own my child. However...I have an obligation to ensure she is safe. If not...I can also be in trouble. If it were me drinking a 20 case of beer a night..then I would hope the father would step in and make sure that I was safe around my child. I do not blame him...I know he has a problem. He drinks everynight until either all the booze in the house is gone...or he passes out on the couch. He has admitted he hasn't gone over a week sober in 10 years. He drives drunk all the time and I can't simply let my 5 month old in his care alone knowing this.
I am not sure what his motivation is. It started after he spoke with the free lawyer at the courthouse. I feel like because he knows he is under a microscope by his family etc..that he is making sure to do everything right. He is always really concerned about what people think.
It is really hard because everyone is telling me to get a lawyer and take him to court. I've never been a person to make enermies and it makes me terrified to start a big mess like that.

to the person that says I remind them of their ex...I think you may have a bias because you've been in a similar situation. You don't have to come down hard on every woman that is looking out for their child. I am a very reasonable person and devote my life to my daughter..I would hope you would do the same if the mother of your child was doing the same thing.

[hadenough]

Most ppl on here have decent suggestions on here. As for others -- whatever. Don't take some of what's said personally. You really need to speak to Family Svcs. You can get a free 2 hour consultation w/a family lawyer. I would be horrified if I was in your situation. And yeah - what a totally STUPID comment made in that earlier post re: ownership, and "women's psyches" - what a total pile of CRAP.