How to approach 2 situations with son's father?

[Lovemybaby]

I need some advice on how to approach a few situations. One is significant, the other is not (just irritating).

Firstly, my son's father lives in the US, and it takes just over an hour to get there. He is not allowed to cross the border so I drive our son to his house, and he drives him to the border where I pick him up.
4 weeks ago, I went to take him out of his car seat (he just turned 2 a few weeks ago) and discovered that his car seat was not installed properly. It was buckled in, but was very loose. So much so that it would slide back and forth across the seat with little force. I checked our son's straps and there was so much slack that I could have fit both of my arms between the straps and his body (with room to spare!). I told him while we were standing there how dangerous both these things were, and reiterated later that night in a text conversation.
2 weeks ago I dropped him off, and asked to see how he had the car seat installed in his girlfriend's car. It was still installed incorrectly, so I showed him exactly how it needed to be installed and fixed it so that it was tight and secure in the seat. When I went to pick him up, he switched the seat to his Mom's car and it again was not installed properly. Again I could easily slide it back and forth. I did get upset (no yelling or name calling or anything like that) because when I asked him why it was so loose he said he tried to do it but couldn't, and basically shrugged it off and pretty much declared it an unimportant topic.

He's totalled 3 cars in 4 years. He's gotten in 3 accidents outside those 3 incidents in the last 3 years (all for texting while driving). Even if his driving record was perfect I think I am completely justified in making a big deal out of the lack of car seat safety he has shown for our son. I take the time to ensure proper care is taken and I fully expect him to do the same.

How can I approach this situation in a different way? I've tried showing him how to install the seat (I even got my 6 month pregnant butt in the back seat to do it for him lol), I've tried advising him to go to different websites to understand the importance, I've tried getting upset, but his attitude is so lackadaisical about it.
So any suggestions would be great, I'm open to being as constructive as needed! I've come to realize I have to let a lot of things go and I have no say, but safety is not one of them!

Secondly, he doesn't provide certain things for our son and it's starting to get to me. For example, I have to provide a pack and play, a stroller, extra clothes, etc., for him while he has our son (all things that I bought). He only has started to provide diapers and wipes in the last 2 months. He has no where for our son to sleep, nothing for our son at his house. I've asked him multiple times to go out and buy these items (at the very least, a bed for my son) but he keeps saying "next month, next month". If I don't provide them, our son has to go without.
Any suggestions on how to get him to provide the basics while he has him in his care (I don't yet get CS but that's another thread)? We haven't had any fights in awhile so I'm trying to remain nice!

[Lovemybaby]

I almost feel as though it's irresponsible of me to let our son go in a car where his safety isn't ensured.
He doesn't have access to our son through the custody/access order so if I choose to I could refuse to let him go, but that's not something I want to do.

[beebie]

Um ...how would you feel if your child was injured?

Isn't it against the traffic safety law of your province to have an improperly installed car seat?

If you don't have an Order blow him off until he complies with your reasonable requests and if he tries to get an access Order himself (assuming he cares that much or is willing to exert himself which sounds doubtful) , insist that the concerns re: car seat, bed, accomodations are put into clauses in the Order.

At all costs, avoid having children with douches.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by beebie

Um ...how would you feel if your child was injured?

Isn't it against the traffic safety law of your province to have an improperly installed car seat?

If you don't have an Order blow him off until he complies with your reasonable requests and if he tries to get an access Order himself (assuming he cares that much or is willing to exert himself which sounds doubtful) , insist that the concerns re: car seat, bed, accomodations are put into clauses in the Order.

At all costs, avoid having children with douches.

first off he is not in Canada he is in the states, not sure of the rules there.
Suggesting to her to "blow him off" until he has an access order is not good advice at all. How would she feel if one weekend he decides to blow her off and not return the child??

Yes he should be installing the car seats correctly but if i was you i would just keep checking it and fixing. The more you harp on it (with good reason) the more probably he is going to brush it off as a way to piss you off.

As for the other stuff, you should provide the clothes as that is what his child support pays for. He pays you the money and to expect him to buy clothes also is like him getting nicked twice. If you had 50/50 then it would be up to him to provide his own.

As for the bed etc. Maybe he doesnt have the ideal situation but as long as it is not dangerous or anything not much you can do about it.

[ddol1]

here with our kids I helped with a community police sponsored child restraint training semenar weekend - it was help in the summer in the ice rink (without the ice!) So there I along with many learned (this was all new back then). The police ae VERY interested and concerned about child safety to the point of them being trained to spot poor installations today and can and do provide infractions or the parents who do the infraction anything from a warning to a hefty fine, Today the option to give a warning may not be available anymore.

As pointed that was one province and every Province and every State have thier own rules but this is not hard to get around. First go to your local police station or call first and find out what services they can provide - at least if they have an official letterhead document that shows the law in both pictures and words. I know our police station had service items to get seats installed right. I had a problem with doing a hatchback properly and they provided me an adapter strap and helped me install it too.

Today the police like you want kids safe and I am sure they have something that will help you. Then you can contact the police in his State (New York?) and say the same thing - I do not know how they would help you - they may have a completely different help system and sheets with the fines for infractions (the incentive if sadly the child's physical safety is not enough (I can't see how anyone could put a little one into jeapordy with such a simple solution) Money tight????? Moving the seat back and forth is a pain - have a seat in each car and just leave it there - properly installed

[fireweb13]

Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines

As for the other stuff, you should provide the clothes as that is what his child support pays for. He pays you the money and to expect him to buy clothes also is like him getting nicked twice. If you had 50/50 then it would be up to him to provide his own.
.

I think she said that he is not paying support...

[Berner_Faith]

Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines

As for the other stuff, you should provide the clothes as that is what his child support pays for. He pays you the money and to expect him to buy clothes also is like him getting nicked twice. If you had 50/50 then it would be up to him to provide his own.

I don't think this is right... she is responsible for providing the child with clothes at her place, but HE is responsible for paying for things are his place.

She is responsible for sending the child is appropriate clothes and they should be returned in those clothes. For her to have to provide EVERYTHING at his place is ridiculous.

And as fireweb said...he isn't paying support and even if he was, he is still responsible for providing for the child while in his care. The way you are explaining child support means she should be providing food for the child as well.

[HammerDad]

Child support covers the needs of the child for the month. Every other weekend is still considered part of the month.

The CP should be sending:

clothes for the duration of the NCP's parenting time
any special needs (ie. medications etc)
any special items that would help the child be comfortable (like my D6 brings her blankie)

A responsible NCP should have supplies at their house. An extra few outfits, bath soaps, tooth brush & paste, toys and, if the child isnt potty trained, a supply of diapers and creams.

But clothes should and things of that nature (mitts, boats etc) should be sent. If the child has a snow suit and the NCP requests it for sledding, it should be sent. All items sent should be returned in the same condition they were provided in.

[Berner_Faith]

You are correct there, but the NCP should still be responsible for providing items for the child at their house. I don't feel a CP should have to send clothes to the NCP house. Meds and special items, absolutely. Snowsuits or bathing suits, sure...but every day clothing? The NCP should be responsible for that. And yes, at the end of the access time, all items that came with the child should be sent home..

I guess I am wrong in that, but as my BF being the NCP, I could not imagine requesting their mother to send all their clothing, she wouldn't even send diapers when the youngest was still in them...I guess it was us that got screwed...good to know he can now request all of this. But we will still provide it for them.

[HammerDad]

The CP should be providing clothes. Clothes for the child are covered in the NCP's c/s payments.

My ex never supplied clothes for the longest time (like 5+ years). I had a full on wardrobe for my D6. Luckily my family helped by purchasing clothes of her birthday and Christmas. But I argued to my ex that I pay c/s to clothe our D. Why should I have to pay again for clothes during my time? It becomes a double expense to the NCP in that case. Eventually we worked it through and D6 now comes with clothes.

Notwithstanding that, how dumb is either parent going to look should the child have a favourite outfit at one house, but not be able to use it at the other? What is that teaching the child about sharing and the like? So the child turns 12 or 14, wants to wear a certain jeans or an outfit to a party during the parents time......is anyone actually gonna say "no, you can't wear that on your other parents time"???? If we are, what are we trying to teach our kids?

The clothes belong to the child, not the parent.