Home alone at 7?

[inseperationhell]

Need some comments/advice before I approach my ex....

Today was his custodial day but I had my D11 with me as she had an appointment with specialists that he could not take her to. I stated to him through email when arrangements were made that I would keep her with me at work after the appointment and drop her off to him between 5 and 6pm which he replied back to being ok with it.

I got a panicked phone call at 4:15 asking if I knew where D11 was....my reply was that she was with me as arranged through email. He claimed that he thought she would be back at school before the days end and then hung up the phone.

I am suspecting that my D7 and S7 wound up walking home from school alone today and had no way into my ex's house until he got home from work. Suspecting that he "assumed" incorrectly that my D11 would be with them to let them into the house and babysit for 45 minutes. Suspecting that he missed the boat on the email and did not make alternative arrangements for the 2 seven year olds. When I spoke to the twins tonight, they were very quiet, did not want to chat with mom and I heard him in the background asking them what Mom was talking with them about.

If my suspicions are right - that they walked home alone in January to a house that they could not get into, what actions should I take? I fear for their safety...thank god it was not -30 today (like a couple of days ago). I feel that 7 is too young to be left alone and this is too big of a "mistake" for any responsible parent to make.

Thoughts?

[blinkandimgone]

Evil is in the intent, he made a mistake. I don't think there's much you can (or should)do about it. Perhaps talk to him and let him know you're not comfortable with it in the future. It's a good learning opportunity for the both of you, moving forward, to be more specific, not assume anything, and address these kinds of things ahead of time.

Just my humble opinion, of course.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by blinkandimgone

Evil is in the intent, he made a mistake. I don't think there's much you can (or should)do about it. Perhaps talk to him and let him know you're not comfortable with it in the future. It's a good learning opportunity for the both of you, moving forward, to be more specific, not assume anything, and address these kinds of things ahead of time.

Just my humble opinion, of course.

totally agree, somewhere along the line there was some miscommunications. Maybe next time spell it out in a short email. Some people just glance when its a long email trying to just pick out the relevant points. He didnt do it to be an ass, he made a mistake, a big one but he called you and was worried, that is not the actions of a person who did something with intent.

[first timer]

Considering that everything you have written is speculation, its difficult for me to paint your ex in a bad light. Yes he made a mistake but so does everybody sometime in their life and given that no one is a "perfect parent", you are both bound to make more mistakes. People learn from their mistakes so hopefully he has and will plan accordingly. I offer you an example: my S10 has type 1 diabetes which means he gets daily injections of insulin. Recently my ex started monitoring him over the phone with his morning injections (she leaves for work much earlier than he needs to be up for school). Well one morning he forgot to give himself one of his needles even though she was on the phone with him. Now I could have lambasted her and been very upset and called her a "bad parent" for this but I didn't, instead I told her that mistakes happen; she dealt with it properly (she called CHEO as soon as she got home and made the adjustments to his suppertime insulin) and we moved on. It also showed my S10 that its ok to make mistakes, what matters is how you respond or react to those mistakes. It was a great teaching tool. I have learned and am passing this on to our kids that getting upset and complaining or criticizing the person that makes a mistake, does not correct the mistake, it just adds to the problem.

[HammerDad]

So he didn't connect the dots of thinking D11 had to help with the other kids. It happens. I feel the fear is being a bit over-dramatic.

He made a mistake not realizing that part of D11's responsibilities is to help with the others. His focus was D11 had an appointment. Yes, it was absent minded. But it is highly unlikely it was intentional, and given the pannicked phone call, I doubt it will happen again.

[MommaMouse]

I agree with others on this one, perhaphs you could suggest having a "safe" neighbor that the kids can go to if the house is ever empty/locked. But other than that mistakes happen, people get thrown off when the schedule changes. Don't crusify him if this is the first mistake, on the other hand if it were happening every week then there is an issue.

[staysingle]

These types of scenarios will happen normally and on occasion in a post divorce life with children. Both you and ex should establish a "go to house" nearby both of your residences for the children to safely go to after school if any future problems arise with either one of you not arriving home on time.

Lots of benign reasons for this happening:
1) stuck in traffic
2) medical emergency
3) presenation at work
4)etc.

Take care and good luck

[Rioe]

Yes, I think you are completely overreacting, probably a fairly typical experience when we do not like our exes and are ready to find fault with every horrible mistake and are looking for ammunition to use against them. It's not like he intended to have the 7-year olds be alone, which the title of your post implies. You definitely seem ready to think the worst of this guy about the least incident, and you have to be careful that it doesn't affect your reaction.

You told him you'd have the older kid till 5pm or so because of the appointment. He misunderstood, or misremembered, and thought the appointment was during school hours and would not affect the after school routine.

He called you in a panic at 4:15 when he realized his daughter was missing and his twins were unaccompanied and stuck outside his house. I can't begin to imagine how awful that must have felt for him! The fact that you were his first phone call is a good thing, and a hint that co-parenting can and will work if you let it. And once he realized that the mistake was his (although you may want to go re-read your email to see if it's as clear as you thought) he probably feels that much worse. Further criticism from you instead of sympathy is only going to make him defensive and harder to deal with.

Use this as an object lesson for the whole family, about the importance of clear communication, and keeping a level head when routine breaks down. Praise the twins for getting home by themselves and sticking around his house until he got home. Sounds like they handled things really well! Show your children that people do make mistakes and we do the best we can to cooperate to fix them. And this situation has shown that it's important to have a backup plan for future situations like this, such as knowing there's a neighbour they can visit for help.

[Tayken]

Originally Posted by inseperationhell

Thoughts?

1. In accordance with CAS your 11 year old is NOT old enough to watch the other children.

2. The other parent should NOT be using an 11 year old as childcare.

3. The other parent needs to find child care ASAP that is legal and proper. An 11 year old is not.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[blinkandimgone]

Originally Posted by Tayken

1. In accordance with CAS your 11 year old is NOT old enough to watch the other children.

2. The other parent should NOT be using an 11 year old as childcare.

3. The other parent needs to find child care ASAP that is legal and proper. An 11 year old is not.

Good Luck!
Tayken

Not so:

OACAS: Child Welfare: FAQs

At what age can a child be left home alone?

The Child and Family Services Act does not identify an age when a child can be left alone, or an age at which a child can supervise or babysit other children. The Act recognizes that age alone is not a sufficient safeguard for the supervision of children.

The Act says that a person who has charge of a child less than 16 years of age cannot leave the child without making provision for his/her care or supervision that is reasonable under the circumstances. Anyone who contravenes this provision is guilty of a provincial offence and if convicted is liable to a fine of up to $1,000 and/or imprisonment of up to a year.

In addition, the Criminal Code of Canada includes the offence of abandoning a child. Everyone who unlawfully abandons or exposes a child who is under the age of 10 years, so that its life is or is likely to be endangered, or its health is or is likely to be permanently injured is guilty of an offence that carries a penalty of imprisonment of not more than two years.

If you're unsure as to whether it's okay to leave your child home alone, please consult with your local Children's Aid Society -- you don't have to give your name, or any identifying information.