Helpful Advice

[Sara08]

I need some advice because I really at my wits end. Hubby has 6 year old son from a previous relationship (not marriage). I have been around for 5 years. We have 2 small kids together. Support paid according to guidelines through FRO. Apparently we are behind, according to her because she refuses to sign the papers to get CS changed for the past year, not really sure what to do about that. Access never encouraged and cost us $30000 (she is on legal aid) to gain every other weekend (which ended up being settled the week before a trial date was set, in 2 hours at tim hortons on their own)and she breaks at will. The ex recently moved out of her parents house for the first time inher life. Which would be great if it wasn't half a block from my mother in laws house. She now stops by unannounced and asks my mother in law to take the kid to school and take him for periods of time as a babysitter. We are given no information to stay involved with the child. We are not given report cards, medical updates or even which doctors he sees. We are not allowed to see his school plays, see any of his projects or be involved with his life in any way. (We tried and she makes such a scene that it makes the child anxious when his parents are in the same spot, so we backed off) It is getting so bad that he won't even eat the food that we make for him and he spits it up in the toilet if he does put something in his mouth. He starves himself for three whole days saying that he will eat when he gets to his real home. He takes our other son into quiet rooms and tells him that he wants to go to his real home because he doesn't belong here and only his mother takes care of him. For a week after I listen to my child tell me that I am not his real mother and he needs to go home so he can eat. My problem is (and I am being very blunt here, I know, and feel terrible guilt for this) but I don't like the negative influence that this is having on my entire family. We have contacted FACS, tried to get him into therapy(she doesn't see a problem so refuses), tried to be understanding, teach him the proper way of behaving, but to no avail. I really at a loss. I would like to hear from someone who has some good advice and not tell me to deal because this is what I signed up for. I want to change things for the better, not abandon the situation. We cannot afford any more legal fees and a change of living arrangements would probably lead to the child having a mental breakdown, he can't stand us for 3 days. Any Suggestions? Thanks.

[kamkatie]

Welcome to the absolutely horrifying world of PAS (parental alienation syndrome). At least that's what it sounds like to me. We're going through this with my fiance's eldest two (14, 12). As a step-mom I can completely understand where you're coming from when this kind of behaviour starts to affect your own children. What you need to remember is if this is PAS is that it is not the child's fault. Its the fault of the alienating parent. I'm assuming there is a sole custody with visitation arrangement? Check the separation agreement. Your hubby should be legally entitled to all medical and educational information for his child. Make requests for this information in writing. Start to document everything. Make sure you show up for each and every visitation you are entitled to, even if you know people won't be home. Then document it. I hate to say this but if it is PAS then often a court battle is the only route to go. I am absolutely appalled that this poor child is throwing up his food. You may want to consider taking him to a doctor/emergency just to confirm that there is nothing wrong with him medically that would interfere with his eating habits. Do not give up on him. You are in for an uphill battle but this child he's worth it.

My heart goes out to you.

[got2bkid]

HI Sara,
It sounds like PAS. He is a recent article on PAS TheStar.com | News & Features | How to deal with 'toxic' parents

There is also a symposium on PAS at the Toronto Convention Centre this weekend. PAS needs to be dealt with properly and quickly, or it may worsen over time.

Hope this is helpful.

[Sara08]

So what does anyone think of letting a 6 year old decide if he wants to come for his access time? Personally I think he is too young, but I also think that seeing us is not a punishment, so I don't know how hard to push for the time with us. Any thoughts?

[kamkatie]

Would you let a six year old decide whether or not he attended school? Went to the doctor? Dentist? Are these things any more important than a healthy relationship with their parents? If you wouldn't let your kid decide about school attendance you shouldn't let them decide about seeing their parents especially at the tender age of six.