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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 03-18-2012, 06:44 PM
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Default Happy Friggin Birthday

I've counted to 10, 100, 1000...nope hasn't done a damn thing.

Ok, yesterday we had pictures taken of our 5 kids. His, hers and ours for the sake of clarity. Our youngest who is 3 was so happy to see his sister who is 17. He hardly sees her because she refuses to visit our home anymore and her mother will not enforce her visitation. He really wanted her to come back to our place so he could show her his room and his toys, etc. We told him that she couldn't come today but she could come over tomorrow when she drove her sister back to our place and to take part in the birthday celebration we were having for my step-son today. My husband confirmed this with her before she went on her way yesterday.

Hubby calls her today, she says she's not coming over, surprise, surprise. He told her he wasn't happy with her, but all she does is say "God Dad" and "gotta go".

So, this afternoon her sister walks in the door. My hubby says to her "who dropped you off?" She says D17 did. She dropped her sister off in our driveway and left!

We are furious to say the least. My hubby says that he can't call and ream her out because she'll just hang up. I get mad at him because I just don't understand how her can let this go.

We don't know what to do. D17's mother won't make her come visit her father. She didn't even come for Xmas.

How do you deal with something like this?
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Old 03-18-2012, 06:46 PM
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At 17, she is practically an adult. It is up to her.
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:31 PM
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she is 17 and right now probably hanging with her friends (or boyfriend) is probably more important to her. There is no sense him making a big deal of it or he will just push her away. As for making her mother force her to see him, i think that would be next to impossible. The girl has her own mind and is making her own choices in life.
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:52 PM
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You don't encourage someone to come and visit and develop a relationship by reaming them out. That you would have wanted your husband to do this, that you would tell him what to do with HIS relationship with HIS child, and that you don't have a clue, is good start to explaining where the problem is coming from.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:08 PM
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First of all, I don't tell my husband what to do, ever. We're married. What upsets him, upsets me. If it were my kid, I would ring her neck, so why do divorced kids get the kiddy glove treatment? We are a blended family, it's not just about HIS kid and HIS relationship with her. It affects us all, especially a 3 year old little boy who would love to see his big sister.

I am on this forum to seek information and advice for my husband's situations. It's not me communicating with his kids or his ex-wife. I've stepped away from my step-daughters because of their hostility toward me, letting my husband try to maintain a relationship with them. But if I'm upset about something that one of "our" other kids is doing, he's damn well going to tell me what he thinks we should do. It's called being parents.

Yes, she is nearly an adult, but obviously she still has a lot of growing u p to do. Is it not a parents job to teach their kids respect? Since she refuses to see my husband, and her mother and step-father refuse to discipline her in their home, then I guess he can't really do anything.

That's a warped version of parenting.

I guess if your child was too lazy to come and visit, you'd just sit back and say "oh well, she's almost an adult, nothing I can do about it"? That's all it is with her, lazyness. She doesn't have a boyfriend or friends for that matter and the only time she leaves the house is when she goes to school and her part-time job. Oh, and when her mother and step father reward her for being such a bitch by taking her out to the movies every Sunday night.

Last edited by CCB; 03-18-2012 at 08:13 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CCB View Post
Oh, and when her mother and step father reward her for being such a bitch by taking her out to the movies every Sunday night.
You answered your own question as to why she doesn't want to visit your house ! If anyone referred to my child as a 'bitch' you would get your walking papers...
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:38 PM
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You have no idea what we've been through in the past 5 years. What I call my step-daughter to my husband behind closed doors remains there. And given what's happened, it's not out of turn, believe me.

My mother called me a bitch when I was a teenager. Looking back, she was right, I was being a bitch. Good thing she wasn't given her walking papers, I wouldn't have had a mother.

I came on here for advice about what my husband should do. Tough love with his daughter, speak to his ex-wife and husband, whatever, because we are at a loss at this point.

The old, his kid, his business stuff really irks me and it's not helpful advice. I am not the reason he cannot communicate with his ex-wife, I am not the cause of the problems between him and his daughters.

I am so sick of my husband being punished because he moved on with his life. And I'm even more sick of being hated for no damn good reason. Yes, I'm bitter about it. I never had a fighting chance, not with the ex-wife's work on the other end. I did nothing but care for my step-daughters and try to be their friend, nothing more. But you know what, it didn't make a bit of difference in the end because here we are.

Last edited by CCB; 03-18-2012 at 08:41 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:45 PM
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you seem to have alot of hostility towards the daughter and you expect her to show up?? She has probably sensed it and doesnt want to be around it.

if your mother called you a bitch then obviously you were not the perfect teen either.
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Old 03-18-2012, 09:00 PM
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Our family psychologist recommended that given what has happened, that I step away from my step-daughter because she is of an age where I am best to put any relationship between her and I off to the distant future.

I never displayed ANY hostility toward her whatsoever, despite the way I feel about how she treats her father (like crap). She was the one who told me to shut up in my own home and told me I was a bitch and everybody knew it. Still, I told her mother she was welcome in our home anytime. Still I shopped for her Xmas presents and signed my name to them. Didn't matter.

I am not the sole reason she doesn't visit here, she has plently of other opportunities. My husband's parents come to stay in our home when we go on vacation. She doesn't visit even if I'm not here. My husband drops her presents off to her for occassions that she doesn't come over, and half the time it's a battle for her even to come into the driveway to see him for a minute. She's just lazy and selfish and there are no consequences for her behavior, so why would she act any different?

I'll be the first to admit I was a very difficult teen. My mother was justified in calling me a bitch. It sure did hurt my feelings to hear her say that, and it made me wake up a little bit. My parents didn't just sit back and say "oh well" when I was rude and disrepectful. There were consequences for my behavior. She has none.

Unless you are a step-mother, it's really hard to understand the whole dynamic of these situations.

Last edited by CCB; 03-18-2012 at 09:23 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:27 PM
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I am sure I will get some negative feedback on this but here it goes...

When I first started dating my bf, I was honest with him off the get go... yes they are his kids, but if him and I were going to be together, I made it clear to him that I would treat his kids, just like I treat every other kids in my life... do I have kids of my own, no, but I have a WAY younger brother, niece and many friends who have young children. When we are all together, it doesn't matter whose kid is doing what, if one of the kids are acting out, who ever happens to see them doing it, is the one to discipline. From day one, I have disciplined my bf's kids if it was needed. They have seen the time out chair many times... they are very young, turning 4 & 7, however, for the past 2 years, when they are with us, in our house, they are expected to follow our rules... they know full well that if they do something wrong, any adult that is around, is allowed to send them to time out, or tell them to play nice...

I agree with you CCB, even if they are HIS kids, they are a part of YOUR life... however, at her age, there isn't much you can do. I would suggest however, that if she doesn't have the respect to come and visit her Dad, he should not be going out of his way to deliver presents to her...

Its not easy having a child that doesn't fully respect you... today for example, S6 was being rude to the other kids around and being bossy, I reminded him that if he couldn't play nice he was not going to play, well he cocked an attitude and started screaming at me saying he was and what not, well guess where his butt landed? Right on the time out chair, where he spent the next 30 min... not only did he have to deal with me sending him to time out and taking his toys away for the remainder of the day, he also had to answer to Dad, who was less than happy that he disrespected me... To me, CCB, Dad should have stepped up a long time ago and made it clear to his kids that, that sort of behaviour would not be tolerated.

This goes both ways however, we had the kids for March Break and S6 told me how he was mad at his Mom because she took his favorite car away... when I asked him why she took it away, he said because he yelled at her... I then asked him what would happen if he was at Daddy & My house and he yelled at one of us... he admitted that he would get a toy taken away as well... I then told him that Mommy did the right thing, because he was expected to listen to Mom (and her new bf), even if he didn't agree with what they said...

I just feel that children are not brought up the way they use to be, they are allowed to disrespect whom ever they want because parents are afraid to discipline.
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