Frustration

[May_May]

Looking for some thoughts on how to handle this...we have shared 50/50-handover happens Sunday late afternoon.

The boys dad never answers calls during the day from the school/children if something is wrong (sick, forgot lunch...) it ends up on me (ok...I will handle it...). Doesn't show up for parent/teacher interviews...I had another one re-scheduled according to his specific request and again he had to cancel 2 hours before (I attended again alone).

Our boys need help with homework, and our youngest (6) is behind with reading/writing and needs extra assistance. Teachers have told me and dad (sent home multiple notes) indicating that they notice 1 week with no homework, reading done...and alternate weeks where everything is done (my weeks). I've asked him multiple times (always excuses) and notes.

The teachers were hoping dad would show up for the parent/teacher interview so they could tell him directly. No change, regardless of how many notes have gone home, and requests.

Is this something I'm supposed to just 'suck up' and let go ?

or is it something I should pursue so that they are with me Mon-Thurs always so they can get their homework done ? any thoughts/ideas would be greatly appreciated...Thanks !

[Mess]

If you could change him you wouldn't have needed to divorce him.

You explain the situation to the school teacher and principal. You suggest that the principal call him and speak with him directly, requesting that he come in for a special interview. This is for him only and doesn't involve you.

If he refuses to deal with the principal or attend to the kids' work at home there is nothing you can do about it.

You can speak to the kids about taking their own responsibility when they are at his house. This is something they should be learning anyway.

[ddol1]

Your kids are young, aside from the reading which is a one on one which for me .

(I did all the help the kids with thier school work - as mom always said that dad went back to school and got a degree..... so what does university and college have to do with helping your child in grade two, four or six in reading, math or??????)

Nothing!!!

So in the end, what is it you are doing special that helps your children "Get It Done"? Talk with your children - and I do not care how old they are....If you can make the routine simple for them so they can do for themselves at dad's they will be further off. They will be doing for themselves - a very valuable skill that they will learn now or later.

the following is me thinking as I type - just ideas on how to change your kid's schoolwork accomplishments.....wordy, probably but there may be something in there that will work!!! In the end there is nothing you can do to punish dad for "failing the kids" so it is time to think outside the box and find something that works for them on both your watch and his...,.

So here goes????
If you need to - start a reward system that puts extra emphasis on achievements on dad's time.

Teachers do care. The school cares. Include them in the reward system?? Maybe it could be a recognition of the improvements at school.

Maybe you can start a grading system with teacher's help. Every day is a Star - 5 stars for the week - blue for dad/yellow for mom.

Make a list of rewards on a sliding scale from 20 to 3 - you can have more than one reward for any level. It is about the game, the challenge, coming up with a whole big list of fun things to do (you can make it that once a fun thing is earned it is over until every thing on the list is done and you can start it all over again!!

If dad can be convinced to join then blue stars are traded in and dad is obligated to fulfill the reward (at least if he is willing??)

If dad is not - maybe you can make the blue stars worth double and you then get the fun time. You can put limits on the rewards(no money, no buying things at the store) (only fun things that is spending time together doing what they want to do!!!!) Maybe you can have one or two specials like rent a movie, go to a movie.........It then is about your lifestyle, your budget if money is tight but it is really about your kids wanting to do good to get them to save up the stars to have fun and you spend more fun time with your kids!!!

WIN WIN WIN......

[May_May]

Thanks guys...Actually dad has changed a lot since our separation. I believe it was more laziness, but perhaps he had to convince himself that he could help with the kids laundry, cooking for them, packing their lunches. He has stepped up in many situations, and showing he is capable.

The reading problem though is one that requires an adult. An adult has to read with our son each night...so he's behind/at a loss when he's with dad which frustrates me and the school. At the age of 6 they cannot do this on their own (read new/higher level books).

I agree that the boys are going to have to become more independent at their dads house (as my mum says...they will have no choice). They will learn (and are learning) that there are different rules, free time, fun time etc at each house.

ddol-The reading teacher has had to stop saying anything to our son during the weeks when he's with dad, because he was starting to take the blame/guilt for his father. So she has stopped mentioning about the reading homework to help with this. Dad would get no star stickers ! ha

Cheers guys...Thanks for the suggestions

[blinkandimgone]

If I'm not mistaken, your older son is in his teens (if I recall from your other posts), perhaps he could take on some of the reading with your youngest, both at your place and at dad's? It could work out to be a lot of fun for them both and perhaps dad will catch on to what's going on and start pitching in where he should be.

No, it's not the kid's responsibility to do it, however you can't make dad do anything he doesn't want to so perhaps time to start looking for other ways to help the little guy get where he needs to be without counting on him for it.

I'm sure your older son wouldn't mind earning a few bucks a week to do it - same as he would if it was someone else's kid he was helping/tutoring?

Just a thought.

[May_May]

Thanks blink...I did not think of that ! Will implement ASAP !