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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 09-07-2010, 12:44 AM
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Default Ex refused to return child as agreed

Our daughter was supposed to be returned by her father tonight at 6pm. But that didn't happen. I thought he might be running late and waited patiently before calling him at 8.00pm. He lives in Toronto and I live over an hour away from him.

Our daughter is supposed to start Grade One tomorrow. We had agreed that given that she would have to wake up an hour or more earlier then necessary to get to school by 8.15am he would simply drop her off the night before.

When I spoke to him he denied any agreement to dropping her off at 6pm. (I have an email confirming the arrangement). When I reminded him that she did not have her uniform. He said that was my problem and that he was planning on dropping her off at school in her regular clothes.

I just don't get how someone can behave like this. I mean if he had changed his mind, he should have contacted me and have me to drop her uniform and school bag off over the weekend. He knew full well that I was expecting her back by Monday night.

When I called him I pleaded with him to be reasonable. He just laughed. No doubt getting off on the fact that I was very upset.

I realized there was nothing reasonable I could do about the situation, so left him a message on the phone, asking him to drop her off at my home in the morning, so that I could at least get her dressed into her uniform. There is no garauntee that this is going to happen.

The court order we have in place doesn't say anything about him making sure she is dropped off with her uniform on or with her lunch for that matter.

How detailed do court orders need to be? Is there nothing left to common sense? Is there not an assumption made in Family Court that the children's best interest should be paramount? Could I have done something differently in dealing with the situation?

Nadia
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Old 09-07-2010, 02:14 AM
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If she isn't in uniform or doesn't have a lunch then the school will deal with him.

You should not get upset over things like this. Because that is why he does it, to upset you. So you are giving him what he wants and giving him power over you. I realize this is easier said than done, but the games won't end until he stops getting any kind of reaction.

Pleading with him is exactly what you shouldn't do. Be matter of fact about it. I would have just forwarded the email he had sent. From your description is sounds like up until now he would have had her overnight? Another option would have been to send the uniform with her. I'm not trying to justify his bad manners here, but if I were in his situation I would feel like I was being blocked out of the child's first day at school, when ordinarily I would be there. Does your court order specify how this weekend should have been handled? He is not handling things properly, and of course I could be reading this completely wrong.
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Old 09-07-2010, 11:01 AM
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Don't get into the battle. Who cares what motivates your ex? You need to take the high road, and ensure your daughter has a good start to the school year...if that means dropping her uniform off, at his house, or at school...why not? Sounds to me like you are getting into control battles with your ex, and your daughter will suffer more than either of you from that. Let it go, be the bigger person
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Old 09-07-2010, 11:30 AM
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From what you have described him as in the past, he just did it to piss you off and who is in the middle, your child. His irresponsibility shines thru once again. As most don't think it's a big deal, it's not the first and definitely not going to be the last time.
It's the child's first day of school, bringing the uniform to school, infront of everyone, friends, teachers etc. probably would have caused the child to feel uncomfortable/stressed or at least be embarrassed. And sending the child in plain clothing while everyone else is in uniform? Really. The mother was responsible to make sure she had the uniform and the child ready for school. His reasons are just plain selfish! The first day of school is stressful enough on any child. Why should poster have to go out of her way because of his spite towards her. If he wanted to be involved in the "first day" then they should have been able to communicate it and both take the child to school.
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Old 09-07-2010, 07:37 PM
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Depending on the wording of the existing agreement, probably would have been best to send the uniform with the child just in case something happened. (ie. bad roads, construction, plain spite) preventing him from dropping her off the prior evening.

You KNOW the ex is going to be a dick...that's one constant you can work with. It's predictable and therefore easily remedied. Sucky though it is, you can EXPECT him to act that way.

So simply plan around it....You know he's going to do things like this to be spiteful...so send the child with the uniform for her visit, "just in case".

If he doesn't provide her a lunch and they have to call you, make sure they put it in writing. (Then when you haul him back to court to change the access times because he's not handling things properly...you have it in writing that he's not been doing that).

Even have them make a note on her file "Called primary contact as a lunch was not provided for child".
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Old 09-07-2010, 08:06 PM
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Notwithstanding the preliminary circumstances leading up to the first day of school -- How did it go today for them? Uniform vs. Street Clothes etc

No doubt your ex is using your child to push your buttons Nadia -- I think, if it was me, I would just document in summary and if the campaign continues - Use the events to demonstrate material change.
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Old 09-07-2010, 08:16 PM
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Didn't start off very well for her. She arrived late at school but with the uniform on and lunch box in hand.

However, by all accounts, she really enjoyed her first day at school and is looking forward to returning to school tomorrow. She really likes the school and attended academic camp at it over the summer. She said she felt really "good" in her uniform.

Me, on the other hand just went through hell and back with the ex. I continue to pay the price of making a fateful decision seven years ago.

Thanks for the helpful advice everyone.

Nadia,

Last edited by Nadia; 09-07-2010 at 08:26 PM.
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Old 09-18-2010, 06:25 PM
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Now that your child is in school, there may be enough for a material change in circumstance, depending on how the original access was written. If you go back to court, point out this first day of school problem, and get the drop off time amended to prevent such a problem in the future.
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