Ex is Again Using Sickening Allegations

[Teddie]

Hi,

Since the beginning of our separation my ex has used every accusation in the book to try and secure custody of our two children. In the end the court ordered a 50/50 access schedule and a joint custody arrangement.

At the beginning of our litigation my ex accused my nephew of molesting my 2.5 year old son. These accusations came out nowhere and were made out of revenge against my sister who was the first person to call out my ex after she was caught having an affair.

Now that the custody and access arrangments have been decided, she is again grasping at straws to re-open the issue. My oldest son came to me and complained that his mother and her boyfriend are repeatedly questioning him as to whether I have been molesting him. They have also been telling my kids that I am a homosexual.

Recently my son became involved in a fight at school because someone called him gay. My son is extremely sensitive to that topic because my ex has been telling him that I am gay. During the fight it appears he gave the other child a low blow, and that child told the principal that my son was trying to grab his privates; a claim that the principal did not believe. Because of this, my ex and her partner decided to sit my son down and question him as to whether he is gay. Obviously, this is causing a lot of stress on my son.

I am not gay and I honestly don't know if my son is even old to figure out for sure what his sexuality is. His main focus in life should be to enjoy being a kid. I am not against someone being gay, but my ex and her partner have painted it as something so evil and have tried to paint me as a gay child molester of sorts. The whole thing is sickening and I honestly do not know what to do.

My son has also complained about his mother's irrational behaviour and has told me that he is being hit (slapped in the face) on a regular basis. He has also shared with me that his mother and boyfriend are pressuring him to help them file a report with CAS against me and my girlfriend. This is all money and control driven as she is not happy with only receiving offset child support.

I have already decided on a course of action and I have filed a report with the Children's Aid Society due to physical and mental abuse especially against my oldest son. They will be contacting both parents later this week and I hope some resolution will be found.

For a year and a half I have tried to get along with my ex but I find it impossible to get along when I know that I am slandered to my children constantly, the ex and her partner physically fight in front of the kids (one time a weapon was used), and my oldest is being hit (once complaining of being hit hard enough to cut his mouth).

I finally got to the point where I feel like if I didn't act I would be guilty of neglect. I can't sit by any longer and allow this to happen. Once I heard about the hitting, I called right away.

Does anyone have any advice for when I am dealing with the CAS workers?

Besides the physical abuse my children are told that I am an alcoholic (ie. everytime I call to speak to them she apparently tells them that I am probably hung over), I am a "queer", I don't pay my child support, I am only pretending to be a good father to win favour with the courts etc etc etc....the list goes on and on.

Thank you.

[HammerDad]

Originally Posted by Teddie

Hi,

Since the beginning of our separation my ex has used every accusation in the book to try and secure custody of our two children. In the end the court ordered a 50/50 access schedule and a joint custody arrangement.

At the beginning of our litigation my ex accused my nephew of molesting my 2.5 year old son. These accusations came out nowhere and were made out of revenge against my sister who was the first person to call out my ex after she was caught having an affair.

Now that the custody and access arrangments have been decided, she is again grasping at straws to re-open the issue. My oldest son came to me and complained that his mother and her boyfriend are repeatedly questioning him as to whether I have been molesting him. They have also been telling my kids that I am a homosexual.

Recently my son became involved in a fight at school because someone called him gay. My son is extremely sensitive to that topic because my ex has been telling him that I am gay. During the fight it appears he gave the other child a low blow, and that child told the principal that my son was trying to grab his privates; a claim that the principal did not believe. Because of this, my ex and her partner decided to sit my son down and question him as to whether he is gay. Obviously, this is causing a lot of stress on my son.

I am not gay and I honestly don't know if my son is even old to figure out for sure what his sexuality is. His main focus in life should be to enjoy being a kid. I am not against someone being gay, but my ex and her partner have painted it as something so evil and have tried to paint me as a gay child molester of sorts. The whole thing is sickening and I honestly do not know what to do.

My son has also complained about his mother's irrational behaviour and has told me that he is being hit (slapped in the face) on a regular basis. He has also shared with me that his mother and boyfriend are pressuring him to help them file a report with CAS against me and my girlfriend. This is all money and control driven as she is not happy with only receiving offset child support.

I have already decided on a course of action and I have filed a report with the Children's Aid Society due to physical and mental abuse especially against my oldest son. They will be contacting both parents later this week and I hope some resolution will be found.

For a year and a half I have tried to get along with my ex but I find it impossible to get along when I know that I am slandered to my children constantly, the ex and her partner physically fight in front of the kids (one time a weapon was used), and my oldest is being hit (once complaining of being hit hard enough to cut his mouth).

I finally got to the point where I feel like if I didn't act I would be guilty of neglect. I can't sit by any longer and allow this to happen. Once I heard about the hitting, I called right away.

Does anyone have any advice for when I am dealing with the CAS workers?

Besides the physical abuse my children are told that I am an alcoholic (ie. everytime I call to speak to them she apparently tells them that I am probably hung over), I am a "queer", I don't pay my child support, I am only pretending to be a good father to win favour with the courts etc etc etc....the list goes on and on.

Thank you.

Encourage your kids to speak to their school counsellors. Notwithstanding the fact that they could use impartial 3rd party help from people who are there to help them, they are also mandatory reporters. Should your kids ever tell them that your ex or her spouse hit them, they are obligated to call CAS.

Should you call, it is most likely that you would viewed as an angry ex-husband trying to get back at your ex.

Otherwise, support your kids. Encourage them to talk to others, comfort them and reassure them you are not all these bad things your ex talks about.

[Gary M]

Originally Posted by HammerDad

Otherwise, support your kids. Encourage them to talk to others, comfort them and reassure them you are not all these bad things your ex talks about.

That is the most important piece of advice that has been given, and will ever be given, to you: Your primary goal *must* be to comfort your children, as the behaviour you described robs them of the security they *need*

For two years I battled allegations of paedophilia (your Dad was fucking your 13 year old babysitter) and ababdonment (your Dad doesn't love you and left YOU because he wants to replace you with someone else's kids) with comfort and reassurance... "Mom loves you more than anything" and "Mom is very angry with me and sometimes says things she doesn't mean; the important thing is that she loves you to bits and would do anything for you" and "I love you more than anything and nothing can ever, ever change that"

Through it all I sought professional help (yep, I saw a shrink because I was dying -LITERALLY-) and the advice of freinds, familiy, superiors, and those who have gone before me (i.e. the good people here at ODF). The one common piece of advice from ALL of them was that I was doing it right, that the kids would be OK, that they're smarter than I think, that they're more resilient than I think, and that the nastiness would not prevail in the face of love, kindness and support.

I thought it was a bloody fairy tale ... everybody knows that in the Real World the villain always wins, right? There was NO light to be seen at the end of my tunnel and I wanted to just punch out -every day- but every morning I made the choice to live another 24 hours so I could give them another day of the support they needed to come out of the divorce OK.

Guess what? All of the professionals, friends, superiors and people here were right. It was a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng 2 years and every second of every day I got a giant kick in the nuts. It sucked BIG time - every fucking day... but my kids are pretty OK now and so it was all worth it and I'd do all it again.

If you truly love your kids more than you love yourself, this will make sense to you. If not, well, you'll be in the company of 80% of the other "adults" out there who are so intent on "winning" or just hurting the other party that they are oblivious to the destruction they leave in their wake.

Apologies for the rambling - I am very passionate about this subject.

Cheers!

Gary

[Teddie]

Originally Posted by Gary M

This is the most important piece of advice that has been given, and will ever be given, to you: Your primary goal *must* be to comfort your children, as the behaviour you described robs them of the security they *need*

For two years I battled allegations of paedophilia (your Dad was fucking your 13 year old babysitter) and ababdonment (your Dad doesn't love you and left YOU because he wants to replace you with someone else's kids) with comfort and reassurance... "Mom loves you more than anything" and "Mom is very angry with me and sometimes says things she doesn't mean; the important thing is that she loves you to bits and would do anything for you" and "I love you more than anything and nothing can ever, ever change that"

Through it all I sought professional help (yep, I saw a shrink because I was dying -LITERALLY-) and the advice of freinds, familiy, superiors, and those who have gone before me (i.e. the good people here at ODF). The one common piece of advice from ALL of them was that I was doing it right, that the kids would be OK, that they're smarter than I think, that they're more resilient than I think, and that the nastiness would not prevail in the face of love, kindness and support.

I thought it was a bloody fairy tale ... everybody knows that in the Real World the villain always wins, right? There was NO light to be seen at the end of my tunnel and I wanted to just punch out -every day- but every morning I made the choice to live another 24 hours so I could give them another day of the support they needed to come out of the divorce OK.

Guess what? All of the professionals, friends, superiors and people here were right. It was a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng 2 years and every second of every day I got a giant kick in the nuts. It sucked BIG time - every fucking day... but my kids are pretty OK now and so it was all worth it and I'd do all it again.

If you truly love your kids more than you love yourself, this will make sense to you. If not, well, you'll be in the company of 80% of the other "adults" out there who are so intent on "winning" or just hurting the other party that they are oblivious to the destruction they leave in their wake.

Apologies for the rambling - I am very passionate about this subject.

Cheers!

Gary

I agree 100% and have been told much along the same lines by people who have been through a similar situation. The advice you're giving is bang on. I have shown my kids more affection (ie. more supportive comments and actions, more hugs, more alone time just me and them without the girlfriend around) and they are very happy when they are with me and feel comfortable and safe in my home. My oldest made the comparison that my home is peaceful and his mothers house is full of "nonsense and negative talk".

I have implemented a no negative talk policy in my house, meaning, I don't want to hear about what my ex says about me or my girlfriend. We go out of our way to never bring up my ex in our home.

The problem started when my 4 year old described being woken in the middle of the night by my ex and her bf fighting physically in front of his bedroom door. Both kids saw it and my youngest ran into his older brothers room crying and looking for help. Hearing that broke my heart.

A week later my oldest was very down and told me that his mother has been slapping him and hitting him for the last couple of months as well as acting erratically to the point that both of the kids are afraid. My son keeps asking me to help him and I feel like the CAS is the only route to go. My ex has hit rock bottom, she is extremely stressed and is taking it out on my oldest and he definitely needs someone of authority to step in and put a stop to it.

I totally agree with you Gary, that approach works wonders in my home when the kids are with me, the problem is when they are with her. I wasn't going to contact CAS until I heard of the physical abuse and physical fights between adults in the home. The police have been involved at one point but they will not share any details with me as it is a matter of privacy.

This was a very tough call to make but honestly I feel terrible for my kids and I think someone has to step in. My childhood was a piece of cake compared to what these guys are going through. They are definitely resilient but if there is any way that I can ease the burden then I have to go that route.

Thanks for your post, your recommendations are what I have been following and that approach does work, everyone should read that.

[baldclub]

Originally Posted by Teddie

I have implemented a no negative talk policy in my house, meaning, I don't want to hear about what my ex says about me or my girlfriend. We go out of our way to never bring up my ex in our home.

This was a very tough call to make but honestly I feel terrible for my kids and I think someone has to step in. My childhood was a piece of cake compared to what these guys are going through. They are definitely resilient but if there is any way that I can ease the burden then I have to go that route.

Kudos to the policy, great to hear! It's tough, I know I falter at it some time (haha, like when the kids said they saw their mother drive by the house and I asked them if she was on her broomstick) but overall it creates the only appropriate atmosphere for the children.

That call to CAS is tough, I know because I made it and I still stand by it, regardless of the obvious accusations of just trying to get back at her (or something stupid like that). CAS as you can read here is unfortunately often out of their league shall we say, but what is happening to your kids in my understanding is a reason to call them up. Yeah, encourage them to speak to people at school, they are a 'neutral' party and somewhat equipped to deal with how to report it.

Just a side note, my kids came home one day and said their bus driver had a black eye and scratches on her face, and most importantly wasn't her usual jovial self but instead all quiet and didn't say boo to the kids as they got on the bus. I told the kids they could tell their teachers what they told me, although my gf disagreed.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by baldclub

Just a side note, my kids came home one day and said their bus driver had a black eye and scratches on her face, and most importantly wasn't her usual jovial self but instead all quiet and didn't say boo to the kids as they got on the bus. I told the kids they could tell their teachers what they told me, although my gf disagreed.

i agree with your gf on this one. You do not know exactly what happened in the bus drivers situation or what she is doing to handle it. The driver is a grown adult who may not appreciate your kids telling the teachers stuff about her. As far as you know she may have gotten into a fight with another woman over something or whatever. Until you know the facts let her deal with it with her support system. I am sure she doesnt want to become gossip for the staff room at the school

[microcrashboy]

I agree that no one should bash the other parent, I would be concerned that the child will not have an avenue to speak if they need to tell someone something important. They should feel they can tell you, me anything. I do this "not talk about mommy" as well, but I try to temper it.
Unfortunately what our kids tell us will only be turned and twisted by the courts/lawyers childrens aid and you maybe labeled as a spouse basher. The best is to have like a councellor or a shrink (sorry for the slang) the only problem is that the professionals will not see the child unless they have consent of both parents. Even their reports may go undealt with under the guise of spouse bashing.

The only other option is to contact CAS and do everything in wirtting and request (politiely demand) they provide their reports in writing. If there is concern of physical or even mental abuse they can act and take steps. However it should be noted they will be reluctant to act on the premise they believe you are spouse bashing. This is why alot of parents don't bother with childrens aid or even the police - they won't do anything. Sadly some children end up dead.

Alternatively you can ask the court to appoint a children's lawyer who will act in the childrens interest - sometimes.

Sidenote:
Also any complaints made by anyone to CAS you can request copies of complaints if someone has complained about you. does not mean they will provide them, but under the privacy and information laws they are compelled. (talk to a lawyer for help with this, even a paralegal can help)

The best option is to speak to a lawyer and explain your situation and if they are uninterested speak to another lawyer the one thing I have learned is all lawyers are not the same.

[sjandme]

Regarding the post from Gary M....

It is encouraging to hear that taking the higher road can mean that you are travelling on solid ground after all. Under different circumstances this is what I am struggling with too ...not getting sucked up into "nonsense" .... keeping the focus on my children's well-being.

This will help me to keep going.

Thanks.

[Rioe]

I wish I had specific suggestions, but all I can suggest is general advice.

Assure your kids that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It doesn't matter if you are or not, because there is nothing wrong with it. Being gay does not automatically make someone a child molester, nor does being straight mean someone won't molest a child. It's very important for kids to grow up understanding these things. It isn't a matter of defending yourself; it's about making sure your sons feel safe around all kinds of people, and that should one of them be gay, he doesn't grow up feeling any additional difficulty about it than what society already brings. For that reason, I think that a focus on "nothing wrong with being gay" is a better approach than "I'm not gay."

Also, assure your kids that there are adults out there whose job it is to listen to them. If they are feeling some stress that they don't feel they can talk to their mother about, or to you, point out to them that there are other options. They can talk to a teacher or nurse at school. They can ask you to make an appointment with their family doctor. There's Kids Help Phone. Worst case scenario, they can talk to a policeman. They need to understand that they are never backed into a corner with no resources. Of course, you want them to believe that they can come to you with ANYTHING, but the reality is that there will be things that they think you won't want to hear, especially when they are caught in the middle between you and a wacky ex.

Lastly, I'm not so sure that a blanket "never talk about mommy in this house" policy is the best approach. The kids spend half their lives with her, and will want and need to tell you about that half, good and bad. They shouldn't feel that things they want to say would be unwelcome to your ears. The trick is to defuse any negative stuff they have to say, and try to help them understand their mother isn't out to hurt them on purpose (hopefully!) but is just under stress and not thinking clearly.

They are already seeing the difference between your two households, and really appreciating yours from the sounds of it, so you are doing great already at giving them much needed stability. Hopefully your ex will settle down, get over her anger at you and step up to being a better parent before the kids are old enough to choose to spend more time at your place, or it will be her loss!

[Teddie]

Originally Posted by Rioe

I wish I had specific suggestions, but all I can suggest is general advice.

Assure your kids that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It doesn't matter if you are or not, because there is nothing wrong with it. Being gay does not automatically make someone a child molester, nor does being straight mean someone won't molest a child. It's very important for kids to grow up understanding these things. It isn't a matter of defending yourself; it's about making sure your sons feel safe around all kinds of people, and that should one of them be gay, he doesn't grow up feeling any additional difficulty about it than what society already brings. For that reason, I think that a focus on "nothing wrong with being gay" is a better approach than "I'm not gay."

Also, assure your kids that there are adults out there whose job it is to listen to them. If they are feeling some stress that they don't feel they can talk to their mother about, or to you, point out to them that there are other options. They can talk to a teacher or nurse at school. They can ask you to make an appointment with their family doctor. There's Kids Help Phone. Worst case scenario, they can talk to a policeman. They need to understand that they are never backed into a corner with no resources. Of course, you want them to believe that they can come to you with ANYTHING, but the reality is that there will be things that they think you won't want to hear, especially when they are caught in the middle between you and a wacky ex.

Lastly, I'm not so sure that a blanket "never talk about mommy in this house" policy is the best approach. The kids spend half their lives with her, and will want and need to tell you about that half, good and bad. They shouldn't feel that things they want to say would be unwelcome to your ears. The trick is to defuse any negative stuff they have to say, and try to help them understand their mother isn't out to hurt them on purpose (hopefully!) but is just under stress and not thinking clearly.

They are already seeing the difference between your two households, and really appreciating yours from the sounds of it, so you are doing great already at giving them much needed stability. Hopefully your ex will settle down, get over her anger at you and step up to being a better parent before the kids are old enough to choose to spend more time at your place, or it will be her loss!

Well put, I agree with the paragraph regarding the gay comments and I do also agree that we will need to talk about mommy sometimes. What I don't want is sharing of negative gossip.

Last night the children's aid society tried calling my ex, I know because we had a doctor's appointment with our kids and she brought it up in the waiting room, in front of the kids the secretary and everyone else waiting. She was using my call to the cas to portray me as someone who is trying to ruin her employment opportunities and her reputation etc etc. It was a very bad scene. When I called cas initially I requested that they not contact her until the day after the doctor's appointment in order to avoid problems like that.

Something is telling me that nothing is going to come out of this and somehow this will come back to bite me in the ass. Maybe I will be painted as a hostile aggressive parent next time I show my face in court....who knows.....up until now I have been a passive pussy of a parent for letting things get to this point.