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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 02:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
You do not have to request make-up time. You don't need her permission, she does not grant you time with your child as a favour.

You will simply keep the child extra days and assert that you having make up days. Calmly, factually, with no criticism or accusations, you simply state that you are having make up days when the child is already with you.
I wonder what would happened if I write to my ex that I will bring my son back after week what probably total of make up time she own me ...

I will tell her if you have any problem with that you can talk with Mess (just kidding)
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 02:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
You do not have to request make-up time. You don't need her permission, she does not grant you time with your child as a favour.

You will simply keep the child extra days and assert that you having make up days. Calmly, factually, with no criticism or accusations, you simply state that you are having make up days when the child is already with you.
We both agree that two wrongs don't make a right, but if he did this, he will get crucified before she will because he is a guy and subject to family law biase.

The only way any parent can alter the parenting schedule is with the other parents agreement. He would have to state that, given her recent denial of access, it is his intention to makeup such missed time by continuing to retain custody of the child past his scheduled parent time, for a duration equal to that which was missed due to her denial of access.

But ultimately, that will set off WWXXXIVI on her end. She won't agree, will send a nice nasty gram and possibly show up at your house (hopefully you record any such instance).

Right now she is one who is being uncooperative. So long as he can prove he is acting reasonable and in the best interests of the child, he will be better off. Judges can't stand it when parents get into these tit-for-tat games and waste the courts time.

You can try to advise your ex that it is your intention to keep the child past you regular parenting time in order to makeup lost time due to her denial of access, but be prepared to have the cops show up at your door.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:18 PM
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This depends on the current order. If it specifies a strict schedule outlining what happens on holidays and how to arrange make up time, I would agree with you. If it is a quickie court order scrbbled by a judge that states 50/50 then I disagree.

On, for example, Tuesday when you pick up the child you send an email stating that you will be keeping her Friday to make up for a lost day and dropping her off Saturday. This gives the mother plenty of time to respond and be reasonable. If she doesn't respond reasonably then she has no argument. The courts require a denial of access to be for reasonable reasons. If the two parents can't agree on something, the answer is not to default to the mother, the answer is for a parent to do what is reasonable if there is no reasonable reason given.

If he does nothing about the lost access then he is just playing into her hands, she presents herself as the experienced caregiver who tends to the child when she's sick and the father is a clumsey oaf who should be at work. Over time she defeats the 60/40 with claimed illnesses, the child couldn't sleep last night, they are anxious, they aren't adjusting, there is a dentist appointment, blah blah blah.

I realize the your motiff Hammerdad is to document document document and then go back to court and show that she isn't following the order. So what happens? He's just going to get hit with whatever bias anyway. And she will have every excuse in the world why she had to take care of the fragile child on those days.

I'm not recommending that he become aggressive and stoop to her tactics, I'm recommending he be assertive (there is a big difference) and state that he is taking the make up days that he is entitled to.

Seriously I do this 2 or 3 times a month, I keep track of all the makeup days I'm owed and simply state to my ex that I'm keeping the kids on certain days, usually when there's a cool even we can attend. I don't give her a choice, but I give a few days warning so she can respond if there is a legitimate reason not to. I can guarentee if I were requesting and asking permission I would never see my kids.
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Old 04-01-2011, 04:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
We both agree that two wrongs don't make a right, but if he did this, he will get crucified before she will because he is a guy and subject to family law biase.

The only way any parent can alter the parenting schedule is with the other parents agreement. He would have to state that, given her recent denial of access, it is his intention to makeup such missed time by continuing to retain custody of the child past his scheduled parent time, for a duration equal to that which was missed due to her denial of access.

But ultimately, that will set off WWXXXIVI on her end. She won't agree, will send a nice nasty gram and possibly show up at your house (hopefully you record any such instance).

Right now she is one who is being uncooperative. So long as he can prove he is acting reasonable and in the best interests of the child, he will be better off. Judges can't stand it when parents get into these tit-for-tat games and waste the courts time.

You can try to advise your ex that it is your intention to keep the child past you regular parenting time in order to makeup lost time due to her denial of access, but be prepared to have the cops show up at your door.
Again I have to agree with your take on this. There is biase in the court system whether people want to admit that or not. I have emails from her proving that she is denying access and using unproven claims to do so. She may think this is all fine and dandy but if I do have to file a motion this will be in her favour. My lawyer advised that we will continue to allow her to make mistakes and not get into a war over these things until they are brought before a court. I just got off the phone with my lawyer and he echoed the same sentiments as HammerDad almost word for word.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:21 PM
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OK, so she keeps the child when she's not supposed to, you take a make up day that she tries to refuse you and you think that she is going to take you to court over it an win because of bias?
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
OK, so she keeps the child when she's not supposed to, you take a make up day that she tries to refuse you and you think that she is going to take you to court over it an win because of bias?
No he won't lose anything because of biase. But any action may be looked upon as retaliatory and a tit-for-tat conflict.

I agree with your general premise. That emailing your ex, once you have the child, and providing your intention to keep the child to make up for missed time and going from there is a good idea in theory. But he may have to relent if it gets to hot, and then where does he stand?

He will have given the ex ammo that he is unwilling to coparent or be reasonable, thus possibly giving her argument for scrapping 50/50. Yeah, she did it first, but she will use the excuse that the child was ill. Of course Dad would be equally capable for looking after the child, and that is your argument to her point.

And if he backs down after the ex sicks the hounds on him, and gives back the child on the scheduled time, not only did he "threaten" to keep the child, she now has the satisfaction of "winning" and getting the child back.

I just think that he is best served calmly stating that he doesn't agree with her decision and he is equally capable of parenting as she is. That he doesn't agree with denying access and that in future she discuss any changes to the parenting schedule with him as he is a reasonable individual. And that any unilateral changes to the schedule by her will not be tolerated.

One instance is not enough to drag her back to court. But 3-4 sure are and he will have a better chance of showing that this is a pattern and she is using the excuse of illness (while not proving the illness to him) as a means of denying access.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2011, 10:54 PM
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It has been four days of denied access and she has given me "permission" to pick up my son from daycare tomorrow. I followed HammerDad's advice and sent her emails each day stating that I do not agree with the decision, that I am a fully capable parent, and asking what time I pick up my son. I also requested medical information pertaining to my son and she has provided next to no information. All she would tell me was the doctors last name, I won't include the name of the doctor but it's a very common name making it impossible to find out which one he went to. All she would tell me was that my son saw a doctor and would not provide his contact information or the name of the prescription he was given. On top of the denial of access I came across evidence that my ex was at work two of the nights my son was kept from me.

I let her screw up for four days and have all of it documented in writing. I don't think any judge would look highly upon her decision.

I have strong suspicions that she will deny access to both children the next time they are schedule to be with me.

My lawyer will get an update Monday morning and I'll go from there. All of this is costing a lot of money.

Thanks for all the advice, I'll let you know how it all turns out.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2011, 01:09 PM
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I am trying to put that close too. Will see what will happened ... I have herd judges do not like to put it it ... Kind of going against their own club or something ..
I do not know
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2011, 04:06 PM
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I picked up my son on Monday and am sending him back to her tomorrow in accordance to our access schedule. I lost 4 out of 6 days I was to have with him but I am not going to keep fighting her on this. My lawyer sent her a letter stating that if this happens again in the future we will be seeking makeup time and move to the courts for a Break order with costs.

I have asked my lawyer and the police repeatedly about enforcement clauses and they have said they are hard to get in the first place and hold no weight at all. I for one don't want to have the police showing up at either of our places as it's not healthy for the kids. I would rather collect proof of denials (ie. 3-5) and then move to the courts.

From my research it seems that enforcement clauses are not taken seriously. The police are not going to get kids back and don't have the power to charge people as it's a family court matter.

I hope she doesn't withold the kids again but I'm sure she will and I will be updating this post again in a weeks time.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2011, 04:08 PM
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My rationale behind that close was that it will make both party to think twice before do not follow court order ....

will see what judge will tell
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