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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 03-30-2011, 11:09 PM
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Default Denial of Access, What Can I Do

My wife and I have a joint custody, 50/50 access arrangement in place that was negotiated through our lawyers but has yet to be signed by a judge. My ex and I have signed it and we have been following the arrangement since December 1st, 2010.

My ex has previously denied me access to the children and tonight she called me saying that I could not have my youngest tomorrow, even though I am scheduled to. She blames me for the fact that he has a cold and stated that he can only come to me once he feels better. This is total nonsense as he had the same cold when she dropped him off to me last week. Either way, no excuse for a denial of access.

She lives in the marital home and will be off work tomorrow. I plan on taking a witness with me and having the police come with me as well with a printed copy of the agreement.

Is there anything else I should consider?

Thanks
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:12 AM
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First of all what you should consider that police will not come. And the fact you do not have order kind of point to that. Even if you do have an order with special paragraph about "police to enforce" your chances I would say 50/50.

Second your witnesses - I would not bother (just keep in mine people very uncomfortable to be in a middle of such situations) just come with camera. Record whole thing. Be calm but speak out. then sent email confirming what was happened. Look on this forum there is a lot of "how to" and "what to" and what is most important "what not to"

My understanding the only thing what you can do that document. Show pattern. File contempt (but again there is no order and I do not know what you current agreement is worse.)

God luck. And remember always think about kids first. One wrong (really stupid) move and you can loose you kids and what is even worse YOUR KIDS COULD LOOSE YOU!

Good luck
PS: And yes. I would take voice recorder with me too. In case ex will go balistic and ask you to turn off and only than... you turn it of and still will have you ass covered )
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:32 AM
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Thanks for the advice; I have the voice recorder as my ex ALWAYS makes up stories. I don't fully expect the police to come but maybe she will call them herself and they would at least make a report about why they were called. Something similar has happened already and I was able to get printouts of the police reports for $49 each report. Considering there were 4 reports it adds up pretty quickly.

No police calls or reports for 10 years and within 2 weeks of me telling her I couldn't take her multiple affairs she called police for the first time. Since last summer she has called police on me 5 times and each time the police have told her to knock it off. They have told me themselves that I'm dealing with a crazy.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:09 AM
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I don't like the advice given so far.

What you need to do is document the denial of access in writing.

If you have been told over the phone that she will not be providing the child for your parenting time, you immediately go to your computer and prepare a very business like email to your ex that, notwithstanding the child having a cold, you intend on exercising your parenting time in accordance with the agreement. It is your position that a cold is not reason in itself for the child not to be provided to you, as you are more then capable of tending to the sick child. As such, you will be at the prescribed location at the prescribed time for the exchange in accordance with the parenting plan/agreement.

Then you document her response. If she is stupid enough to put in writing that she will not provide the child, you have one golden egg of a denial of access and contempt. Do not reply to any of her hostility with anything other than stating "I am equally capable as you of looking after our child while sick, and I believe it is in the child's best interests to maintain the regular parenting schedule. Should a doctor prescribe that the child is not well enough to transfer homes, please provide me with a copy of the doctors note, at which point I will be willing to discuss make up time for all missed time."

Without a doctors not you still go, with your witness and your digital voice recorder, to the exchange point for the child. Do not make an aggressive motion or sound. Simply knock and ask for the child to be provided in accordance with the agreement or be provided with a copy of a doctors note stating the child is too ill to leave.

If she simply doesn't answer the door, you go to your car and call and leave message stating you are at the prescribed place for the exchange. Wait 30 minutes call again and state that you were there and are now leaving and due to the denial of access you expect makeup time for any and all missed time with the child. Buy something for a store that is close to the exchange point and get the receipt as proof you attended. Then follow up with an email to the ex stating you were there, the child was not provided for the exchange and that you expect makeup time. Provide her with a list of dates you are available to choose from for your makeup time. And then again, document her response.

From there, once you have about 3-4 of these, you drag her to court for contempt. You ask for makeup time for each instance, an enforcement clause and costs for the motion. The first time, you will get makeup time and she will get slap on the wrist. The second time you go for contempt, you may get your enforcement clause. The 3rd and 4th, you ask for change in custody as she is not being supportive of your role as a parent, which is not in the best interests of the child (asking for costs each time).

You have to train her to know that your parenting time is equally important as hers and that you are equally as capable a parent. She is of the belief that she is the real parent and you are nuisense. Keep beating her over the head with the agreement, civil business like emails and contempt where necessary.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
I don't like the advice given so far.

What you need to do is document the denial of access in writing.

If you have been told over the phone that she will not be providing the child for your parenting time, you immediately go to your computer and prepare a very business like email to your ex that, notwithstanding the child having a cold, you intend on exercising your parenting time in accordance with the agreement. It is your position that a cold is not reason in itself for the child not to be provided to you, as you are more then capable of tending to the sick child. As such, you will be at the prescribed location at the prescribed time for the exchange in accordance with the parenting plan/agreement.

Then you document her response. If she is stupid enough to put in writing that she will not provide the child, you have one golden egg of a denial of access and contempt. Do not reply to any of her hostility with anything other than stating "I am equally capable as you of looking after our child while sick, and I believe it is in the child's best interests to maintain the regular parenting schedule. Should a doctor prescribe that the child is not well enough to transfer homes, please provide me with a copy of the doctors note, at which point I will be willing to discuss make up time for all missed time."

Without a doctors not you still go, with your witness and your digital voice recorder, to the exchange point for the child. Do not make an aggressive motion or sound. Simply knock and ask for the child to be provided in accordance with the agreement or be provided with a copy of a doctors note stating the child is too ill to leave.

If she simply doesn't answer the door, you go to your car and call and leave message stating you are at the prescribed place for the exchange. Wait 30 minutes call again and state that you were there and are now leaving and due to the denial of access you expect makeup time for any and all missed time with the child. Buy something for a store that is close to the exchange point and get the receipt as proof you attended. Then follow up with an email to the ex stating you were there, the child was not provided for the exchange and that you expect makeup time. Provide her with a list of dates you are available to choose from for your makeup time. And then again, document her response.

From there, once you have about 3-4 of these, you drag her to court for contempt. You ask for makeup time for each instance, an enforcement clause and costs for the motion. The first time, you will get makeup time and she will get slap on the wrist. The second time you go for contempt, you may get your enforcement clause. The 3rd and 4th, you ask for change in custody as she is not being supportive of your role as a parent, which is not in the best interests of the child (asking for costs each time).

You have to train her to know that your parenting time is equally important as hers and that you are equally as capable a parent. She is of the belief that she is the real parent and you are nuisense. Keep beating her over the head with the agreement, civil business like emails and contempt where necessary.
HammerDad, that is fantastic advice!

In fact, I do have in writing, a fairly nasty email from her last night containing the exact words, "I am not sending him back to you in this condition so that you can make things worse". The email blames me for my youngest having a cold and contains other false accusations etc.

I made a mistake by settling out of court the day before the motion date. I had her where I wanted. I am seriously considering filing a motion and going all the way with it at this point. The woman is crazy and has no respect for my role as the kids father.

Any parent knows that all kids get colds and all you can do is have them rest, dress them warmly, and medicate them appropriately if need be. To suggest that I made my child sick is absurd.

I have a witness coming with me, a contact at the police department who has been up to date on the situation since last fall, and I have my voice recorder.

I sent her an email last night that is very similar to what you suggested and have not received any response.

Thanks again for the great advice!
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Old 04-01-2011, 11:29 AM
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Yesterday I sent a message stating my intentions to exercise myparenting time and remind her that no matter how she tries to excuse what she is doing, it’s a denial of access.


She claims I am responsible for my son having a cold. My son had a very slight cough on Sunday and never had a fever during the 5 days he was in my care. From Monday to Wednesday he was with his mom. Yesterday was supposed to be an exchange day with me getting him back but she denied access stating that he is sick and should be with his mother. This is a joint custody arrangement and I have been just as involved in the kids medical care since I became a father of my oldest 11 years ago.


She emailed saying my youngest was going to a doctor's appt. yesterday. I responded saying that I would like to attend as well….no response until 9 pm. I called my son’s regular doctor and he was closed all day yesterday so I asked my ex for the name of the doctor she took him too. She has flat out refused to tell me even though I am fully entitled to this information.


I have tried to arrange an exchange for today but have been ignored. It looks like I may not see my son today either which will be the second day of denied access. I don’t even know where my son is as her parents have been instructed not to answer the phone and her and her boyfriend will not take my calls to the home. I suspect she is working today and has left my son with her mother. I offered in writing to take time off work to stay home with my son but my messages go unanswered.


I went through two months of this back in the fall before spending a tonne of money to finally get a 50/50 access arrangement in place. The police don’t want to help enforce this as my lawyer has not yet had the agreement signed off by a judge and we have yet to put an enforcement clause in place yet. Our parenting agreement is signed by myself and my ex. It makes it hard to get anything done when you’re dealing with a very unreasonable and irrational person who never has a lawyer because she keeps firing them.


My lawyer has instructed me against going to the home and asking for my son. I respect his opinion but a more hardline approach seems to be necessary.
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Old 04-01-2011, 11:46 AM
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Forgot to tell story about police "help". One day I agreed to pick up my son from his mom apartment building. Sometimes I do it when she ask or little one is sick. Out exchange place 5 min walk from her place ...

So during day we exchange couple of emails and she started to write me something like I "warning you" and so on... So I said you know what - not downstairs today. I have bad felling see you at court ordered place. She went crazy... Why. I will not come. You pick him up downstairs so bring it back downstairs... I said no. So went court ordered place. Wait for 30 min with little on she did not showed up .Sent email she she lost key from apartment and can not come ... So I went to police. Explain situation and ask someone just come with me to apartment building so I drop of little one and we will not have another police report with false accusation ...

Police tried to convince me just to go and drop him off at the apartment building. I said I do not want to. I am afraid that she will pull out another bullshit and I had enough and have to protect my son and myself. they said but you did go this morning I said yes because I did not fill that something going and now I do. And it;s does no matter we can change exchange place if we both agree but if not - court ordered place so I asked he to come to court ordered place what is 5 min from her apartment...

to make long story short after some talking one officer came to the counter and start yelling at me... Coming really close (trying intimidate). I had little one on my hands. He scared him. that "officer" saying Be a man! get a life or something ... I asked him what is your name and badge number - and replay was My name is Micky mouse ...

that what help I got from police ...

Now if come to that police station and see him I said morning officer Micky Mouse ... ))

Last edited by WorkingDAD; 04-01-2011 at 11:49 AM.
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Old 04-01-2011, 12:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddie View Post
I respect his opinion but a more hardline approach seems to be necessary.
Don't be a hardass and show up at her place demanding the child. It will only get you in trouble as she will claim you are threatening/harassing her.

What you need to do is email your ex and say that you are completely capable of tending to the needs of your sick child. That you do not agree with her unilaterally determining to withhold access and believe her non-compliance with the court order/agreement to be a denial of access.

Request makeup time at the earliest possible point. State that is your belief that neither parent is responsible for any illness the child may have, as, notwithstanding you consistantly making your best efforts to prevent illness, it is impossible to completely shelter them from all viruses.

State that the court order/agreement provides that you are entitled to your prescibed parenting time and that she is not allowed to unilaterally withhold access without legitimate reason. Should the child be as sick as she is suggesting, then it would be if the child was admitted to the hospital. Otherwise, you, as a parent, will ensure that the child is comfortable and their needs are met.

But if you show up there demanding the kids, I guarandamntee she will call the cops and you will be screwed going forward.

You have to request a doctors note, document the denial of access and your disapproval of her decision, and then rinse and repeat until you have about 3-4 instances of contempt.

It sucks, and she will think she has won something......until she is slapped with a motion for contempt....
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Old 04-01-2011, 01:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
Don't be a hardass and show up at her place demanding the child. It will only get you in trouble as she will claim you are threatening/harassing her.

What you need to do is email your ex and say that you are completely capable of tending to the needs of your sick child. That you do not agree with her unilaterally determining to withhold access and believe her non-compliance with the court order/agreement to be a denial of access.

Request makeup time at the earliest possible point. State that is your belief that neither parent is responsible for any illness the child may have, as, notwithstanding you consistantly making your best efforts to prevent illness, it is impossible to completely shelter them from all viruses.

State that the court order/agreement provides that you are entitled to your prescibed parenting time and that she is not allowed to unilaterally withhold access without legitimate reason. Should the child be as sick as she is suggesting, then it would be if the child was admitted to the hospital. Otherwise, you, as a parent, will ensure that the child is comfortable and their needs are met.

But if you show up there demanding the kids, I guarandamntee she will call the cops and you will be screwed going forward.

You have to request a doctors note, document the denial of access and your disapproval of her decision, and then rinse and repeat until you have about 3-4 instances of contempt.

It sucks, and she will think she has won something......until she is slapped with a motion for contempt....
Ok, I have done all of that with the exception of requesting make-up time. I have asked several times, through email, "what is the name of the doctor you took him to?". She is not responding and last night told me I was not entitled to that information...I know better than that.

My lawyer informed her lawyer of what is going on. Her lawyer agreed that he would instruct her to follow the schedule. Apparently she is not listening and I'm sure he will be yet another fired lawyer of hers very soon.

Thanks everyone!
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Old 04-01-2011, 01:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddie View Post
Ok, I have done all of that with the exception of requesting make-up time. I have asked several times, through email, "what is the name of the doctor you took him to?". She is not responding and last night told me I was not entitled to that information...I know better than that.

My lawyer informed her lawyer of what is going on. Her lawyer agreed that he would instruct her to follow the schedule. Apparently she is not listening and I'm sure he will be yet another fired lawyer of hers very soon.

Thanks everyone!
You do not have to request make-up time. You don't need her permission, she does not grant you time with your child as a favour.

At this point she has arbitrarily decided that she is keeping the child because she has a cold. (Which is ridiculous, my ex and are both capable of taking care of a child with far worse than colds, and unless they are actively throwing up we will usually make an exchange, or offer makeup time right off.)

You will simply keep the child extra days and assert that you having make up days. Calmly, factually, with no criticism or accusations, you simply state that you are having make up days when the child is already with you.

This is a really unfortunate situation and two wrongs don't make a right but your ex is defining the rules here and you are just playing by them. But absolutely you are asking to be abused and denied if you request anything from her.

You have, as I understand it, 50/50 physical and joint legal custody? So you two are equal parents, equal partners, equal decision makers. Period.
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