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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 04-14-2011, 09:54 AM
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Hi everyone ...long story short was a domestic dispute 18 yr abusive marriage..ashamed I stayed because he was abusive in ALL forms. Found out my ex sexually abused his siter when she was 5 and he was 14. i met him 3 yrs later he was sexually abusive to me. Financially ,emotionally,physically in the bedroom ...
we are separated a year now he did time weekends. threatened suicide to me(as a quilt tactic)manipulation.
he was very manipulative.
He was given supervised access he is fighting for unsupervised. He is not allowing the court to open my CAS file so my lawyer has to do another motion to the court for that.
I was awarded a children's lawyer ..weeks ago found out from HIS sister she also has a CAS file on him. I had my visit with the childrens lawyer ..she was very unprofessional in my opinion. I cried through the whole session with her. I told her of the sexual abuse to his sister she jumped down my throat about it. i told her of the CAS file his sister has on him and she said she won't bother accessing her file.
I believe my ex was possibly grooming our daughter the I am VERY confused why the children's lawyer won't access my sister in laws CAS file. this could be very detrimental to my daughters safety if he is granted access.

I don't know what to do?


Is there anything that can be done??
Grace
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:08 AM
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Grace, I'm sorry about your situation and you do not need to be ashamed. Abusive relationships don't start out being abusive (or why would you enter that relationship). It's something that builds over time until your confidence is shot, you don't know which way is up, you are in survival mode, and you think it must be something you've done because it wasn't always like this. I'm glad that you've gotten up the courage to get out of that relationship as this is what's best for you and the kids.

I cannot believe that a court wouldn't be interested in the sexual abuse of his sister at such a young age. You should be able to get an affidavit from his sister regarding the abuse for the judge which would hopefully help you continue supervised access. This coupled with his criminal charges should help you. Continue to keep notes about what's going on, talk to the staff regarding his visits on how they are going.

Unfortunately, a judge will want to grant unsupervised access as soon as they believe it safe to do so. You've got a good battle on your hands to keep it with supervision but I think it's one worth fighting for.

Get in touch with a women's shelter, they have outreach workers versed in family law and may be able to help you strategize. I cannot believe anyone would want to put your daughter at risk and give him unsupervised but they may have better options for you. CAS should also be interested in his history and should be looking at the domestic violence issue as well as his history of sexually abusing a minor.

Don't lose hope, do whatever you can to keep your children safe. Try to remain calm even though I'm sure this an extremely emotional time. Read, get education, find resources to help you. You will need help/advice to get through this.

Wishing you well.
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Old 04-14-2011, 01:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mominneed View Post
Grace, I'm sorry about your situation and you do not need to be ashamed. Abusive relationships don't start out being abusive (or why would you enter that relationship). It's something that builds over time until your confidence is shot, you don't know which way is up, you are in survival mode, and you think it must be something you've done because it wasn't always like this. I'm glad that you've gotten up the courage to get out of that relationship as this is what's best for you and the kids.

I cannot believe that a court wouldn't be interested in the sexual abuse of his sister at such a young age. You should be able to get an affidavit from his sister regarding the abuse for the judge which would hopefully help you continue supervised access. This coupled with his criminal charges should help you. Continue to keep notes about what's going on, talk to the staff regarding his visits on how they are going.

Unfortunately, a judge will want to grant unsupervised access as soon as they believe it safe to do so. You've got a good battle on your hands to keep it with supervision but I think it's one worth fighting for.

Get in touch with a women's shelter, they have outreach workers versed in family law and may be able to help you strategize. I cannot believe anyone would want to put your daughter at risk and give him unsupervised but they may have better options for you. CAS should also be interested in his history and should be looking at the domestic violence issue as well as his history of sexually abusing a minor.

Don't lose hope, do whatever you can to keep your children safe. Try to remain calm even though I'm sure this an extremely emotional time. Read, get education, find resources to help you. You will need help/advice to get through this.

Wishing you well.
You said "coupled with his criminal charges" I did not see any reference to the criminal charges againt him.

Is this fact? Or what you wish to happen to him?

She said she was crying through the whole session with he children's lawyer...I would question her comprehension as to what was being said...or even knowing why the Ocl was advising her on anything.

I've been involed with an Ocl...many occasions for many hours. They're quite good at hiding any emotion as to what they're thinking and giving out advice or suggestions is something they're trying to avoid as well...until the final report is made. I find it interesting as to the amount of info the op has obtained about her Ocl.

Last edited by LostFather; 04-14-2011 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 04-14-2011, 03:14 PM
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thanks so much for responding to my post

It has been an emotional roller coaster for me. my ex did have criminal charges he had a sexual assault charge against him (he raped me). He was under the influence of alcohol No Excuse. he was on medication for anxiety and depression he was warned by his psychiatrist not to drink while on his meds. But he like his alcohol..he even told me that he was warned not to drink.He was having suicidal thoughts after i confronted him about the abuse because I was finally starting to see the abuse(how blind I was to it before) A close friend of mine after sharing things with her told me he was abusive how could I not know thats what it was?
The sexual assault charge got dropped because I was represented by the crown and he told me that a judge would most likely throw out my case..plus my ex would possibly do 3-5 yrs in prison. that would mean no support for me and my kids the crown said. I felt I was backed into a corner I had an advocate from the shelter with me and she helped me decide to have him serve time weekends so thats what he got he served 30 days for breaching his probation30 for assaulting me (physical assault ) when he broke into our home..I was not hurt. And he got another30 for assaulting my son. he hit my son and my son wanted to report it and he did.My son is now 13 at the time my ex hit him he was11.
So the charges are fact

I was the one crying during my session with the OCL she seen my ex before me and in some of her statements she seemed to be defending him. She did say before i left that she could tell it was very difficult for me..it was like reopening deep woulds that are still not healed and the memories just won't go away. I am in counseling. My anxiety level has escalated. I feel like no one believes me but i have the fact and well my ex's sister said she may sign an affidavit but Im not holding my breath on that. I really hope and pray she does.
I had a print off to share with the OCL from Face book of my ex posting he was committing suicide. he was counting down the pills he was taking this was after separation(to me it was manipulation to make me feel guilty ). he has threatened suicide before ..there was also a knife incident in our home where he had a knife in his hand he grabbed me and out the knife in my hand and told me to finish him off. I told him it wasn't funny and threw the knife to the side he started laughing.
i have been told that OCL is looking for reactions to their questions i hope she could read me well and see that i truly am fearful.

My children don't want to be alone with him. He was also abusive to our pet in front of the kids and would grab the dog by his collar and pound his fist into his head the dog would yelp. It was very upsetting for me and the kids.

I also found out because he told me that he himself was sexually abused by an aunt which explains. all I wanted was for him to get the help he needed but he does not seem to get it or does not want to do all the hard work to face all of this.

Thanks again
Grace.
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Old 04-14-2011, 04:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hmgrace1@gmail.com View Post
thanks so much for responding to my post

It has been an emotional roller coaster for me. my ex did have criminal charges he had a sexual assault charge against him (he raped me). He was under the influence of alcohol No Excuse. he was on medication for anxiety and depression he was warned by his psychiatrist not to drink while on his meds. But he like his alcohol..he even told me that he was warned not to drink.He was having suicidal thoughts after i confronted him about the abuse because I was finally starting to see the abuse(how blind I was to it before) A close friend of mine after sharing things with her told me he was abusive how could I not know thats what it was?
The sexual assault charge got dropped because I was represented by the crown and he told me that a judge would most likely throw out my case..plus my ex would possibly do 3-5 yrs in prison. that would mean no support for me and my kids the crown said. I felt I was backed into a corner I had an advocate from the shelter with me and she helped me decide to have him serve time weekends so thats what he got he served 30 days for breaching his probation30 for assaulting me (physical assault ) when he broke into our home..I was not hurt. And he got another30 for assaulting my son. he hit my son and my son wanted to report it and he did.My son is now 13 at the time my ex hit him he was11.
So the charges are fact

I was the one crying during my session with the OCL she seen my ex before me and in some of her statements she seemed to be defending him. She did say before i left that she could tell it was very difficult for me..it was like reopening deep woulds that are still not healed and the memories just won't go away. I am in counseling. My anxiety level has escalated. I feel like no one believes me but i have the fact and well my ex's sister said she may sign an affidavit but Im not holding my breath on that. I really hope and pray she does.
I had a print off to share with the OCL from Face book of my ex posting he was committing suicide. he was counting down the pills he was taking this was after separation(to me it was manipulation to make me feel guilty ). he has threatened suicide before ..there was also a knife incident in our home where he had a knife in his hand he grabbed me and out the knife in my hand and told me to finish him off. I told him it wasn't funny and threw the knife to the side he started laughing.
i have been told that OCL is looking for reactions to their questions i hope she could read me well and see that i truly am fearful.

My children don't want to be alone with him. He was also abusive to our pet in front of the kids and would grab the dog by his collar and pound his fist into his head the dog would yelp. It was very upsetting for me and the kids.

I also found out because he told me that he himself was sexually abused by an aunt which explains. all I wanted was for him to get the help he needed but he does not seem to get it or does not want to do all the hard work to face all of this.

Thanks again
Grace.
okay so you kept him out of jail to support you and your son? Do you have any reason you can not support your son and yourself? I mean if this guy is as bad ad as you say he is...money shouldn't be a consideration....it might be tough but there are lots of people who do it. Are you protecting your son this way?

As for the Ocl....sorry to says this but they're not there to hold your hand...or say....there...there! They're there to make an impartial decision for the sake of your child....not you! You are the grown up. If they were to start show emotion for you...it could be considered biased. I have personally heard of Ocl removing themselves because of conflicts and one actually removed herself with my case...which sucked because it turned into an 11 month ordeal.

Did you ever get the report?..I can honestly say they're a hard read...I thought I was pooched as all the evidence I was presenting was met with very little emotion...in the end the Ocl ruled in my favor...I hadn't a clue. Unfortunately it was all for nothing as the judge ignored the Ocl...and the childrens wishes....too young he said....who knew!
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:12 PM
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i have 2 kids daughter and son...I was told by the crown attorney that my case (sexual assault)most likely would be thrown out if court. I felt he thought I had a weak case. My lawyer also agreed with him.
I did not expect the children's lawyer to sympathize with me but she was very harsh in her comments to me.
I have just seen he 2 weeks ago and she has had only one visit with the kids so far.
They all show little emotion i expect that they have to be that way.
His charges have already been dealt with he finished his jail time in February. There is a restraining order so he can not have indirect or direct contact with me.
The children have lived with me for the past year or more since we separated. CAS has asked for him to do a sexual assessment which he continues to avoid. I told the OCL my wishes are for him to complete the sexual assessment and do a caring dads program. I hope the court will order him to do this but we will see.
His sister may sign an affidavit but Im not holding my breath on it.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hmgrace1@gmail.com View Post
i have 2 kids daughter and son...I was told by the crown attorney that my case (sexual assault)most likely would be thrown out if court. I felt he thought I had a weak case. My lawyer also agreed with him.
I did not expect the children's lawyer to sympathize with me but she was very harsh in her comments to me.
I have just seen he 2 weeks ago and she has had only one visit with the kids so far.
They all show little emotion i expect that they have to be that way.
His charges have already been dealt with he finished his jail time in February. There is a restraining order so he can not have indirect or direct contact with me.
The children have lived with me for the past year or more since we separated. CAS has asked for him to do a sexual assessment which he continues to avoid. I told the OCL my wishes are for him to complete the sexual assessment and do a caring dads program. I hope the court will order him to do this but we will see.
His sister may sign an affidavit but Im not holding my breath on it.
what is "caring dads program" ? Just curious
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Old 04-15-2011, 12:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iceberg View Post
Did you take parenting after divorce classes WD?
I took co-parenting online course. Court approved. Cost about $90 buks. I started evening finished 4 AM. Could not stop )

Pass final test with 91% if I remember properly...
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:30 AM
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here is a link to caring dads its for fathers that have been abusive . Domestic violence does effect the kids. a program like this will hopefully help him learn to be have a better relationship with his kids.

here is the link
CEBC Program Caring Dads Helping Fathers Value Their Children Detailed
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:38 AM
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Is there a Caring Mom's program too?
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