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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2012, 01:15 AM
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Default Christmas coming - daughter/haircut?

I know...why would one even have to post about this...

"Joint custody" of D4.

Holidays are coming, and I would like to get some family pictures again, before the kids get too old.

But... for some reason, "haircuts" for my D4 are an absolute issue with Mom. I ask Mom to look into it if she's particular about it, and if she can't, then I can pay and look into it. But someone needs to do it. It doesn't matter if you bring up to her, that you want to book pictures, or a special family event is coming up. She outright refuses - not just refuses, but threatens as well.

My daughter has asked about getting her hair cut. (she's at the age, 4, where she is very "dress-up", and play-princess, etc - her friends show up, etc...) I mean, this is a normal "little girl" thing.

When I got my daughters bangs trimmed out of her eyes before, when this first came up, I didn't see her for the next 2 weeks. (it's always documented). Mom made an issue of how daughter looked after, which was ridiculous, since we got pictures of her at the time (reason for trimming) and she looked so much better. Mom's threats when you mention this include "You touch her hair again...I'll take you to court." "I'll ask for a non-molestation order" "she doesn't need a cute haircut!" "Try me!" etc.

So, I don't do anything for her hair anymore...and I have dropped bringing it up in the interim, with Mom, to avoid the 'crazy', but...I don't think this is unreasonable. And here is Christmas coming yet again.

Is this a "leave it be" situation, or am I "walking on eggshells" in a ridiculous way?
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:23 AM
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Meh ... wait until the lice come along :-)

How about practicing your Up-Do skills?

You know what the outcome will be ... so your choice.
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:32 AM
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They had... See prior thread(s) by me.
Apparently, my household was cause for it...(sigh)...according to her. I never did see any of it.
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:38 AM
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Yeah, I guess. Sometimes it's just hard to know if you're avoiding conflict or setting up to be a doormat for future conflict with a HCP.
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:42 AM
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She's 4, how bad can it be that she 'needs' a haircut to have a good pic?

I'm sure she's adorable, perhaps take the kidlet shopping for some pretty hair clips, a christmas hairband or tiara or something. Is a bit of a trim really worth the shitstorm you'll be on the receiving end of?
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:46 AM
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Personally I would say get her hair trimmed if it needs trimmed... Why should mom be the only parent allowed to do this? We went through this exact thing with D4 a year or so ago... Her bangs were always in her eyes and she was chewing on her hair. My cousin happens to be a hair dresser and was over cutting my hair. D asked if she could get her's cut so dad said go ahead and trim. Mom freaked out and told him he had no right to do such a thing. He politely asked mom to show him in their agreement where it stated he couldn't get her hair cut... We always get the kids hair trimmed now because she says she can't afford it. Even at 4 now, my step daughter requires her hair cut as often as I do because it grows so fast.

Just last week my step daughter showed up and half her hair was blue... Apparently Mommy went to the hair dresser and got a hair cut and D4 wanted her hair dyed... It was a little extreme in my opinion (I don't mind kids with coloured streaks in their hair, but half of D4's head was blue)... Can you imagine the backlash we would have gotten had we done that and sent her home?

If the kid needs her hair trimmed, get her hair trimmed... Its not like you are shaving her head.
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Old 12-05-2012, 09:34 AM
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Yeah, I have plenty of hair-clips and such, for my D4. I do make use of them, but one can only do so much with them. And then if one wants to put out money, to have some family pictures done, or to have her hair done for the holidays, then you obviously want to have them turn out good, and not "make do".

I've been called "lazy" and "useless", because "obviously" I'm not making use of them. Those have also been Mom's comments, in response to bringing up "hair", or asking if we can get her hair done.

I guess that is my point. Does one keep trying to avoid the constant "$hitstorm" as "blink" put it, for what is simply normal stuff here?

I'm of Berner_Faith's thinking, though I have been holding off. But yes, my D4 has the same. Bangs in her eyes, chewing on her hair. Last time I got it done (a trim), was simply to trim the bangs out of her eyes, and also they cut out split-ends. She looked good after.

I guess that is the other thing about it too. Now D4 is getting older, so the question comes up, about why she can't have her hair done, but then, my son will get one, or of course, I get them. Hard to explain, that "Mommy has serious control issues". (No, that is not what is explained to her obviously - but that is the answer).
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Old 12-05-2012, 09:37 AM
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And yes, I wondered if "cost" was an issue for Mom, for some reason, so that is why I have mentioned to her, that I can pay for it, or look into it, if she doesn't have the time, but it doesn't seem like that is the reason either.

It just seems to be a "she's mine...don't touch her" attitude, from Mom.
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Old 12-05-2012, 09:59 AM
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Get her hair cut. I agree with Faith-Berner. When first reading your post it seemed to me that your wife has rather serious control issues. You already know this.
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:00 AM
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If you have joint custody you have every right to cut her hair.

If you have a strong stomach, I'd act as your daughter's parent and have it done. Your intentions are good, you can notify the ex that she will be getting a haircut. If she's that controlling she might go out and have it done before you see the daughter which is fine, mission accomplished. Otherwise I'd do it myself.

If she has threatened you with false allegations of sexual abuse if you dare cut "her" daughter's hair then you have reasonable protection, but only if they are in writing. What's she going to ask for from a judge?

My new partner's son has beautiful curly red hair. Doesn't stop his Dad from shaving him bald all year long whenever he feels like it.
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