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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 12-23-2005, 09:44 AM
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Unhappy From bad to worse...

Well,
My ex calls me last night very angry, and has changed the plans for Christmas Eve, with the kids in a big way.
We were heading to meet her and the kids at a public place to eat, and open presents and then go have a play with the kids.
She called saying that she refused to even see me again, to never call her phone again, and that her parents would meet me with our kids and to not be late or they will leave, we had arranged this for almost the last month.
So my kids get to play with me in the snow for Christmas,and open presents in the car???? She was very angry, and it has been like this up and down....
There was lots more said, but I am too upset to go there right now.
My poor Mother had a breakdown when she heard as well, she`s backed me into a corner with this sudden change in plans.
We still have no aggreement in place either which is partly my fault for trying to be amicable in all of this and non-adversarial.
It was going to be a very tough holiday this year and now it has become only worse.
My little boy and I are very very close, and I knwo he mises me.
Does anyone know any support groups in the Ottawa area, at all??
There does not seem to be much around.
I need some support through this , I don`t have too much at all.
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2005, 10:38 AM
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Aden,

We all understand your pain Aden.

Lets look at this closely.

Fact: Your spouse is angry and has hurdled all kinds of NASTY remarks to you. You feel hurt. You miss your boy, he misses you. You have LOVE for your spouse and child. Your wife, being angry is thinking with emotions and not logic.

OK so ... here is a message that came to me yesterday that I would like to share with you ... it gave me hope.

When a spouse is enraged, remember ...

Ignore 100% of what is SAID during a conversation when one is ANGRY and believe only 50% of what is SEEN.

It's not her words and actions that are important, it's how you perceive and react to them.

Hubby
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Old 12-23-2005, 11:32 AM
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Default thanks

Thank you,
It is really upsetting, she knew that we had planned this out for the kids for Christmas, I mean it is Christmas!!!!
I am told that she is hurting herself by changing plans and restricting the interaction of myself or kids.
It was classic though, the anger that is.... I could tell as soon as I picked up the phone and bam... there it was.
I was still shocked, at her change in plans, and I am still going to meet at the park to see them.... since it is my only chance.
Her anger was intense.
I have been very understanding about her issues, and hurt since I am told that she is hurting over this mess as well, but I still find it hard to believe that she is not going to let me sit down and at least let the kids open some presents from me and my parents for their sake....
I am not calling at all today, I strongly feel that it was her hurt talking, but it dealt me a severe blow.
I am a bit surprised that she went that far with it all, she is normally very compassionate about things especiallly with the kids, and I just don`t know what she was thinking.
If it goes to court, which I thought that it would not have to, is this type mof thing going to make her look bad, there has never been any type of abuse at all in our family.
I have been very forthright about everything, but she is really backing me into a corner with this latest rage.
I left her everything in the house as well,so the kids would not suffer, I am still making the payments on the truck she is using since I want the kids to drive in a safe vehicle.
I have paid all my half of the bills since the separation as well, and now I am left with ...., I think i am going to have to toughen up.
I truly appreciate the advice, any suggestions at all, very much appreciated.
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Old 12-23-2005, 12:32 PM
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I feel for ya... my x is constantly like this. Days or sometimes hours before pre-arranged plans she'll change them or throw some sort of twist in them just to make it difficult for me and to show me that she has the control. This has been a repeating story for the last year. Now since last week she tells me she still loves me and this is her reasoning for being such a b with an itch and how she couldn't live with me so she was trying to push me away (and has succeeded) and now she thinks she wants me back but when I've rejected her ... now we'll see what happens as she got pretty upset at that too. I wanted nothing more then to be amicable and settling things between ourselfs without lawyers and courts etc... the longer it takes the more I think I'm forced to have the courts finalize this as one minute things are fine and everything is going as planned and then whamo.
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Old 12-23-2005, 01:20 PM
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Default Oh yes we are alike..

Hello,,,!!!!
Sounds like what I have done.
I tried several times at mediation attempts and she said that she cannot trust me, so that was a dead end...
She has been on a downward spiral over the last two weeks,and just left me another message stating that she is not going to ever bring the kids herself any longer, and that she has changed her cell phone number as well.
She said that her parents will bring the kids, although they have, I am told zero rights with regards, to both our kids, in Ontario.
All I wanted was for this to be amicable, thats it.... no mess no fussing, I have bent over backwards to try and do this....
She wants me to meet the kids each Sunday at 9:00am and if I cannot make it to e-mail her and let her know. I can only get in touch with her via e-mail as well now.......
I thought that she had to allow me contact with them more than this- and I will let my laywer know what has transpired now.
Any ideas, I feel as though I am being treated like a criminal and it sickens me to no end...
I truly felt that she had more compassion than this I truly did,, so much for non-adversarial, Ive been a pushover it is apparent.
thanks for the advice and I relate to your situation, what have you done to get around it??? do you see your kids as you like??
She is pushing for supervised access, and I feel that that is a bit too much at this point.
Any advice???? I have also been warned that she may come back in a few weeks and suggest more contact and to be wary of that.. do you see a pattern here?? she is really being set this time, and i am being told to guard myself, for anything.
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Old 12-23-2005, 01:30 PM
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I am very sorry to hear about your situation. That makes it so hard for everyone and especially for the kids. I hope your ex comes around and no longer lets her hurt cloud her judgement.
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2005, 01:44 PM
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Default Not likely

I doubt that she is going to go there anytime soon, she has really put me into a corner this time...
I am left with very little choice but to fight to see our kids more, I cannot explain how close my son and I are or were,,, he was so clingy with me last weekend.
I still have to try and get to know our daughter since she is so young....
Christmas is going to be very lonely this year....
I did not expect that it would have gotten this bad and that she would lose her compassion so quickly.... she must be in a very dark place for this to have happened , especially for Christmas.
I highly doubt she will come around, although I am warned that she may again, in the future and to be wary of that.
thanks....
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Old 12-23-2005, 01:48 PM
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Aden,

Toughen up and stand up for your rights as a parent. Sorry to be so blunt, but sounds like your been set-up. Remember status quo has set in. DO NOT (assuming no domestic violence has taken place) agree to supervised visits. I'd continue to communicate with your ex via e-mails, that way everything is documented in case this ends up in court. Keep your cool in your correspondence with her. She is going to be the one looking badly, by restricting your rights as a parent, should she continue to deny you access.

I'd make it clear to her that you want Joint Custody and equal time parenting.
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Old 12-23-2005, 01:55 PM
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Default you are right

Yes, I see that now, I have to stand up and fight back,
I have been very cool with all of this, and some are saying they are shocked that I am holding up, when I am not feeling like I am too much at all. the problem lies with her now and I am going to go for whatever I can get..I will not let my son and daughter down... You are right.
There has been no violence of any kind at all, I have some depression issues, but it never amounted to anything physical ever.
It is her trust issues and I really have to bear down, thanks , been taking a big beating emotionally, over this.
I am going to miss seeing his and her face on Christmas morning, I will miss her first Christmas, which is terrible but, hey they are safe and happy kids, for all of this, she has become very personal of late with all of this.
she is a great Mom but she is putting her feelings first with this mess now and I am just surprised at how selfish she has become, I thought it was about the kids.
A huge switch has occured.
Cheers.
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Old 12-25-2005, 09:45 AM
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I am so sorry to hear about your situation. That is a really aweful thing to do to children. Hopehully things will get better for you and them soon.
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