Bad talk in front of the kids....what can I do?

[inseperationhell]

Hi,

I am at my wits end and need some advice. Sorry if this is long winded but I desperately need advice to tackle this situation in the appropriate manner for the children.

We are recently seperated. A clause was put into the seperation agreement specifically stating that my ex was not to speak ill of me at all due to past situations. Yesterday, he was at the house moving the last of his stuff (it is legally my house now, I bought him out). Our 2 youngest came over with him so I could look after them for the afternoon during the process. When he was ready to leave for the day with the kids (his regular weekend), my son complained, not wanting to go with Dad. I told him that it was Dad's time with him and I would see him again on Monday. Knowing that I had plans for the evening (but not knowing what those plans were) Dad told our S7 that "he couldn't stay with Mom because Mom had a date and she didn't want him around, he would be a third wheel" (I did not have a date...). I immediately responded to my ex that the comment was completely unacceptable, and to please stop saying things like that. He then went into a complete rant in front of our D7 and S7 as well as a couple of adult witnesses, stating that I was a liar, I had an apparent affair on him, I was a bad wife, bad mother etc., etc. etc.

My only response was to ask him to please stop speaking like that in front of the children, it was not fair to the children. He just started laughing and laying in more. As my son got into his car, he yelled to me "don't worry mommy, I don't believe anything Dad says, you are a good Mom".

This is not the first time in the last 2 months this has happened in front of the children. A month ago, I had to threaten to call the cops if he continued because he was being verbally abusive towards me in front of the children. My response then was to not allow him to be in my presence by himself - only with other adults around. The presence of witnesses is obviously not stopping his behavior.

I have contacted the kid's social worker to report the situation. I know he will flip when he finds out but I am worried about the impact on them. Do I have any other avenues to make this stop? It is in black and white in the seperation agreement - how can I have that clause enforced? It is abusive towards me and damaging to the kids however I do have a minimum of 11 more years of contact with him because of the kids....

[May_May]

Stop all personal face-to-face communication (only via emailO, get a 3rd party if needed to exchange-drop off children, wear a recorder...

[singlemom]

We have a long cluase for ill talking infront of kids. My ex had been warned by judge, OCL and lawyers but he still does. I ignore, and do communicate only through emails (only issues regards to children). You can not change someone's nature. Best advice is to avoid face to face conversation. Kids will find out when they grow. Mine are teenage now and do not pay attention what he says. They tell me that it is all trash.
His objective is to hurt you one way or other. Just ignore.

Good luck

[inseperationhell]

Singlemom....were your kids young? Did it confuse them or cause them issues? I am used to his abusive behaviour towards me, I am now concerned about the effect on the kids. I know he is just trying to hurt me. Email only communication is what I strive for....it is those odd times that a switch is done face to face, at sporting events, school that I cannot avoid seeing him... Other than warnings, nothing concrete was done to make your ex stop? What did the judge and OCL say about the negative effects towards the children?

[inseperationhell]

And if there is a clause in the seperation agreement but it gets ignored and is unenforceable...no consequences for breaking it, what is a seperation agreement worth other than thousands of dollars down the drain to lawyers?

[singlemom]

Hi:
Yes,my kids were very young when he started this (4 and 8). Kids were very confused as they used to see me struggling all the time. However, in the court, he was refused almost everything he was asking, and we kept on and on, waste of money. Finally, I agreed on some more access with some conditions outside the court . He did join some training and paid for kids counselling as well. I do not talk to him at all. I put in agreement that only communication through email as I had enough for 18 years. He satartrd violating many court order clauses right after the final order. What can you do? I have to raise kids, provide them everything as he decided to quit his highly paid job, and wanted to teach me a lesson because I seprated from him after giving him many option.. Now, when I need to pay bills and raise the kids , I do not care what he says as kids are teens. They understand him very well and tell me same things what I used hear from him. He does less bad talk now as kids told him they will not come to see him if he continue talking bad about me. I am happy that I am no longer with an abusive personality. I wasted my whole youth life with a hope that he may change. I do go to kids school activity, and he comes as well. I do not pay attention.
Just keep a record of your ex abusive language but do not waste money on these things as he may change for time being to show in the court.

Good luck!

[Teenwolf]

Originally Posted by inseperationhell

And if there is a clause in the seperation agreement but it gets ignored and is unenforceable...no consequences for breaking it, what is a seperation agreement worth other than thousands of dollars down the drain to lawyers?

This seems to be the case for a lot of stuff in a consent order. My GF's ex disregards instructions in their consent order all the time. What have been the consequences? ZIP!

[inseperationhell]

It just makes me feel so frustrated and powerless. I left to get away from the abuse. Now..it is continuing and the kids are now in the middle. I had a long chat with the kids last night - my son spent 2 nights with Dad thinking that Mom didn't want him to be around. There is nothing further from the truth and I told him that. Is there not a line that gets crossed in which someone can step in and stop it???? Maybe I am thinking of an ideal world....

[Teenwolf]

Originally Posted by inseperationhell

Maybe I am thinking of an ideal world....

Unfortunately, this may hold true.

[billiechic]

Anyone in a high conflict situation can sympathize with you (and has the same type of clause in their agreement).

There really is nothing you can do but avoid situations where you can be cornered, wear a recorder when you can (best $70 I ever spent!) and stay on the high road.

Eventually your kids will figure it out that he is just spewing and has no basis for his lies. Until then reassure them that you are their mother and will always be there doing your best for them. My daughter has been listening to him say that kind of stuff for almost 3 years (shes 5.5) and is already starting to question what he tells her.