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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 12-02-2013, 01:22 PM
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Default Background check on Ex's boyfriend

With 9/10 child sex offenders being male, has anyone ever done a background check on their Ex's b/f to make sure they aren't a criminal or sex offender?

My ex announced she wants to go down south on vacation with her b/f his son and my 4yr old daughter.

She tells me he holds the most senior position in his company, has been checked out due to his role, and blah blah blah....but she hasnt told me the guys full name, what he does or anything. I just know his first name and never met him. Thoughts?
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:49 PM
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My thoughts are that you should mind your own business.

She's the child's mother, and as such, is responsible for determining the eligibility of those people in the child's life. If the tables were turned, would you want her running background checks on someone you dated or would you be thoroughly capable of figuring that out on your own?

That being said, I think its reasonable for you to politely request to meet the person and introduce yourself and vice versa if they're agreeable to it.
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:59 PM
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Breath in, breath out...

you're not going to like this response.

There's not much you can do, even if you had his name. Your ex is allowed to make decisions for her and your child while the child in her care. Unless she's been proven unfit to make decisions, then even if he had something on his record (unless it was child related) you'd be very hard pressed to get a judge to order anything that you'd be happy about. You can refuse to sign the travel letter, and possibly end up in court about it to force disclosure.

You could ask for his information, but she's not obligated to provide it - in any case, she could have told you it was just her and your child, and "OMG what a weird coincidence that my BF and his son are at the very same resort as us for the exact sametime"...

I know its not right, and your ex should say - "hey ex, here's his info, let me set up a meeting at a Tim Horton's so we can all meet and then everyone will be happy" but doesn't look like that's in the cards...

Also I don't know where "down south" is but you should be aware that the US has restrictions on allowing certain criminals, even those that have served their time, into the US. So if "down south" is Florida, or they are travelling through the US then you can be reassured that he's not a criminal or on a sex offenders list.
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:59 PM
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I differ. I think that if this bf is a serious prospect (enough that your child is going on vacation with him), you should at least know who he is. That's due diligence as a parent, and your ex ought to recognize it. When things got serious with my bf, before I introduced him to D8, I gave the ex the bf's full name and details of where he worked, and said he could meet the bf if he wanted to (he didn't). I really hope my ex googled the bf and ran his name through whatever registries he could find - that's just responsible parenting, in my view.

I think it is reasonable to ask for the bf's full name. If anything should happen to your ex while she and the kid are with him, you'd want an emergency contact, at the very least. You're not about to stalk the guy.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
I differ. I think that if this bf is a serious prospect (enough that your child is going on vacation with him), you should at least know who he is. That's due diligence as a parent, and your ex ought to recognize it. When things got serious with my bf, before I introduced him to D8, I gave the ex the bf's full name and details of where he worked, and said he could meet the bf if he wanted to (he didn't). I really hope my ex googled the bf and ran his name through whatever registries he could find - that's just responsible parenting, in my view.

I think it is reasonable to ask for the bf's full name. If anything should happen to your ex while she and the kid are with him, you'd want an emergency contact, at the very least. You're not about to stalk the guy.
I agree completely - but she's not obligated in anyway to provide this information. I don't know the OP at all - who's to say they are not a stalker?

Being right, and doing the right thing can be two very different things. Being right is not having to provide the name, doing the right thing is providing the name and giving the other parent some comfort and confidence in the person the child will spend time with.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadthatshadenough View Post
With 9/10 child sex offenders being male, has anyone ever done a background check on their Ex's b/f to make sure they aren't a criminal or sex offender?...
No.

You have to look at how paranoid this thinking is. If he does hold a senior position with a company, and has access to his own son, do you think he's a sex offender? Do you think your child's mother, will cohort with criminals?

I suppose, if he was, the border crossing should cover that as well, and save you the work of checking yourself?
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:22 PM
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Wanting a background check would be seen as invasive and controlling.

Knowing the guys name would be nice, but is in no way a necessity. I didn't tell my ex my wife's name for about 1/2 a year when we were just dating. You live your life, she gets to live hers. Who your ex is banging is of no concern to you. Should you push this, the only person who will look bad is you.

You don't get a say in who your ex is with.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:30 PM
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Quote:
I differ. I think that if this bf is a serious prospect (enough that your child is going on vacation with him), you should at least know who he is.
Again, she's responsible to provide none of this information. If the OP politely asks them, they might be agreeable to a meeting but if they tell the OP to go pound sand...there's nothing he can do about it.

This is the child's mother we're talking about. If she has access to the child, its assumed until proven otherwise that she has some basic parental qualifications. Parents have the right to determine who is fit to be in their children's presence.

Again, what if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you want her doing background checks on any dates you have or maybe your family members and friends (a lot of potential molesters happen within families), etc?

Quote:
I think it is reasonable to ask for the bf's full name. If anything should happen to your ex while she and the kid are with him, you'd want an emergency contact, at the very least. You're not about to stalk the guy.
Sorry but I consider running a background check on your ex's new partner extreme. And there's nothing wrong with the OP asking to meet the guy or have his name...just understand that she and/or he can say "eff you" and there's nothing the OP can do about it.

And by the way, even if he did find a criminal background in the guy's past...there's nothing he can do about that either. If his ex wants to date people who've committed crimes, she's allowed to do so.

The only thing he can do is if and when he suspects some crime against his own child, he can call CAS.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:42 PM
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Good points.

My ex gave me the 3rd degree about introducing my g/f to our daughter, so to set her at ease I told my ex the rundown on my g/f to cool her jets. My g/f was an elementary school teacher, has two young kids, and gave her name, tel & email and invited her to reach out and say "hi" so she had nothing to be concerned with.

All I got from my ex was a first name, but hey, thats par for the course with my ex.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadthatshadenough View Post
Good points.

My ex gave me the 3rd degree about introducing my g/f to our daughter, so to set her at ease I told my ex the rundown on my g/f to cool her jets. My g/f was an elementary school teacher, has two young kids, and gave her name, tel & email and invited her to reach out and say "hi" so she had nothing to be concerned with.

All I got from my ex was a first name, but hey, thats par for the course with my ex.
My kids are older, so less of an issue, but my ex didn't tell me she was dating, in fact told the kids not to tell me. My kids told me she was engaged about a month after I found out they were dating.

But you know what. It just doesn't matter. It is truely none of my business, until they get married, then it is only my business with regards to SS. Similarly my ex has mentioned things to me when my previous relationships haven't worked out, but I refuse to engage her on these things. I had a "valentine" from her last year that was in essensense a big pile of salt to rub in an open wound.
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