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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 03-05-2017, 10:36 AM
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Default Advice Re: Child's decision of where to live

Hi Guys,

I don't know if this should be here or in the Support forum but here it is.

I have 3 children, s16, d14, d10. We started out 50/50.

My s16 came to live with me full time 3 and half years ago because his mother and him were in constant conflict.
This caused a lot of problems, police involvement and general stress and anxiety.
We had OCL involved.

For the past year, my d14 has been saying that she is moving in with me full time. I have been saying no. Well yesterday on exchange day she showed up with a bag full of clothes hidden in her sports equipment and said she is not going back.

I know her mother and her fight a lot, and my daughter (and her mother, and her father for that matter lol) can be stubborn. She has told me some stories of being locked out of the house in the winter. Recently she has told me stories of being slapped across the face and thrown over a couch.

I can't call CAS because I have been through this. Children downplay the problem to CAS because they don't want to get their parents in trouble.

This is going to cause a whirlwind of problems, and we are so close to settling out of court.

So I could use some advice.

I want my children to feel secure at either parents home. There is definite benefits to having a relationship with both parents and 50/50 provides that time equally, but I don't want my daughter thinking she is not welcome here or that I don't want her here.

I will contact the OCL lawyer but my daughter is due to return to mom's before OCL will have time for a meeting.

I know this sounds like a no brainer but I would like to here some opinions.

How should I proceed? I was planning on speaking with her mother and asking her to let it go for a couple of weeks and see if things calm down but I don't anticipate that will go well. It is not in my ex's nature. She is more of a; call the police, snatch and go from the side of the road, argue with the children for hours on end, make threats, type of person.

I have forced my daughter to go back to her mothers before, she has never shown up here with all of her clothes and prized possessions packed.
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Old 03-05-2017, 11:22 AM
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Without knowing details I don't think it would be unreasonable to assume that the daughter and mother disagree over household rules. Age 13-14 (as you are aware) is a difficult age. Children at this age play parents against each other and that is was is appearing to be happening here.

If at all possible I would speak to your ex and ask her for some ideas how the two of you can be unified in your parenting. If she is belligerent and uncooperative perhaps ask her to consider family counselling. I think it would be important to emphasize to your ex that you do not want to get into a situation where you are making judgement on each other's respective house rules but rather you want to try to figure out a way whereby the two of you can agree on some basic things.

Your daughter saw her older brother move away from mom's home and is merely copying the precedent which you set with your son.
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Old 03-05-2017, 04:55 PM
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is OCL presently involved?

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Old 05-19-2017, 06:25 PM
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Sorry for abandoning this post.

A lot has happened.

d14, now 15 has moved in with me. She left after receiving a bloody nose from her mother. CAS was involved and their recommendation was for daughter to stay with me. OCL still needs to meet but court motions are looming.

CAS was fine with d10 staying 50/50. No immediate danger. I can see that and I don't think there is an immediate danger, but there is a definite pattern. It is only a matter of time before d10 experiences the same.

Just updating and venting I guess. So frustrated.
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Old 05-20-2017, 03:01 PM
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hang in there
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Old 05-21-2017, 02:22 PM
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i'm aghast....
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